They keep saying I'm normal

Rough ride these last few months. Jason is on deployment. Emma and I are waiting it out with family in Arizona. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I'm really depressed or not. Take my medicine some weeks, other weeks I don't. I've had the worse lack of patience with Emma, making me feel like a horrible mother. I can't help but compare myself to the successful mothers all around me: my own mom, who raised 5 kids with seeming ease, and my older sister, who's in the process of raising 5 kids and always with a good attitude. I'm often feeling doubtful, mental, and very very distressed because I have ONE child and can barely make it through the day. Doctors, friends, some family, and support groups say to embrace the medicine, it's ok to deal with depression. But there's a part of me deep, deep with in that can not grasp that concept. I can't help but think that's not who I am. I wasn't raised to give up and give in to my feelings. After several weeks of struggling with this, I'm often told that what I go through on a daily basis is really no different than any other mother, but somehow I still feel like one of a kind.
I was very thankful to be able to go to New Mexico to visit my Grandmother Anderson, Uncle Mark, Cousin April, Nick and Lynsey. I wanted to make sure I had a really good time there so I took my medicine on Tuesday (the day we left). We had dinner with the gang Tuesday night. I was a little nervous to have dinner with Lynsey. We were pretty close friends last time I lived in New Mexico and I hadn't spoken to her in years. But, she hadn't changed a bit and I really enjoyed my time with her. I was reminded of how fun she is and hope to stay in better touch with her.
Most importantly, I was ecstatic to be spending quality time with my Grandma. We were there because she was going to be having open heart surgery on Wednesday. Grandma never changes. I still imagine her as the 50 year old Grandma we left in Idaho many years ago. She's just as bubbly, happy, ornery, lovely, and funny as she always was. For as long as I can remember, I was told I was just like my Grandma Anderson. I'm loud like her, I'm built like her, I have a lot of the same ideas and thoughts as she did. We have most of the same mannerisms. As I watched her and spent time with her Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning before her surgery I felt really silly for the way I had been treating my depression. I have to remember that for an Anderson, I'm normal. I don't have a problem. (Said in the voice and tone of David) I'm an Anderson. My kid drives me crazy, so I yell. It's what I do. It's what I'll always do. Emma will grow up to hopefully be just like me because being like me is being like my Grandma and being like my Grandma is the best earthly person you could be like.
On the way home last night it dawned on me that in the craziness of the last few days I had forgotten to take my medicine the entire time I was in New Mexico. Thinking back I realized I had been patient with Emma, I wasn't exhausted all the time, I was happy and care free. I just had a great time. Depression didn't cross my mind one time.
I learned several things from this trip. One: I'm not depressed, I'm bored. As soon as I was able, I've always had a job and often times more than one. When I left the Navy to raise Emma my life suddenly because very mundane and "boring" (if I may use that word to describe raising Emma). I relish in the time I get to train dogs, but it's not a steady entertainment. My business is small and it's hard to find people willing to pay for dog training these days. I would love to go back to work or back to school, but those things just aren't in my cards right now. My focus at this point needs to be finding daily activities with Emma or other personal projects that will keep me entertained through out my days.
Two: Emma doesn't bug me near as much when she has someone to play with. It's time she had a sibling. There are those who might say I'm not ready for another kid, and yes, the first year might be tough as the new child grows and I have to have ANOTHER kid in diapers (no, Emma's still not potty trained). But, Emma is extremely helpful around the house and already shows signs of being a great big sister. I think if she just had someone to help entertain her through out the day I could be more sane. Until that time, though I will be getting her another pet. Jason and I want to get a couple dogs, anyway, and Emma really loves playing with dogs. Shelby, my parents dog, keeps her entertained for hours.
Three: It's important for me to remember who I am and where I came from. I need to make sure I'm not falling into the liberal, feel-good trap the society likes to drag you into. I need to stop seeking doctors about my "mental" problems. They just don't help. They give me medicine and tell me to find a support group and that it's ok to feel depressed sometimes. But the fact of the matter is, it's not ok. I do not and will not believe it. If my Grandma can raise 3 rowdy boys and a daughter with out depression looming over her and if my mom can raise 5 kids with out depression looming over her, then I can raise one. I just need to stay focused and remember to lean on God for support and not some other group of people who really have no idea what I'm going through or feeling at all.
And lastly: I love my family. I really want to just concentrate on spending quality time with my family. I want to spend more holidays with my family instead of always feeling like we have to go on this big vacation and visit a bunch of people. I want to spend more vacations seeing the family I miss the most and not worrying so much about whose turn it is. The Lee family can only be spread out so far and we need to make sure our immediate family is strong first. If there's anything I want to succeed in, it's having a good relationship with Emma. If I can just gain her trust the older she gets, then hopefully she'll always talk to me and Jason and hopefully we will always be seen as someone who can help her through life's biggest teenage problems. I'm working on a fun surprise for my family which I'll be presenting to them this Christmas. I'm really looking forward to their reaction and putting it into action.