Happy Change in Plans

I haven't posted since my birthday although I lay awake at night thinking of so many things I could blog about. I know full well if I don't do it right that minute, it won't get done. So, as expected, here I am months later, finally updating. Normally this time of the year, I would be writing about feeling nervous, lonely and yet slightly relived because the girls are going to Washington. But, this year their trip actually got canceled. I was so happy for Emma because she would get to spend Thanksgiving with her cousins; but then her cousins' trip got canceled as well. It's hard being a 6 year old, just learning about the concept of time and how it passes. When Emma gets the news that she won't see her dad or her cousins, you can see her trying to accept it in her mind. She tries to think of alternative solutions; but doesn't realize the canceling of the trips is completely out of everyone's control. She doesn't understand about personal and/or financial hardships. She's too young to know that it's ok to cry and thankfully she's too young to recognize that her dad canceling his trip is painful.  She thinks if she sends her piggy bank to her cousins that will be enough to get them here. It's just so hard on a mother to watch such a little, beautiful face take it all in. And she does it so lovingly and thoughtfully. I can actually learn something from her innocence about accepting disappointment and change in my life.

I, myself, have to accept that my quarterly "break" from parenting is going to be put on hold. Yes, there was a part of me (a big part) that was kind of glad their trip to Washington got canceled. I felt somewhat like I had won. I had "called it," and I was right. But, the selfishness and pride of those thoughts went away shortly after seeing how hard it was for Emma. Then I spent several weeks struggling with heavy depression due to life struggles and just as I was coming out of that, I got sick for a week; I thought, "Good grief, I sure could use a break!" I started to think about how much easier it would be to come home and go to bed early with out feeling guilty, or to go out with a friend on a Friday night and not feel guilty or rushed to get home before I owed more than I could afford to a babysitter. The more I realized what I was missing in getting my break, the more I started to feel grumpy and it seemed every feeling I had for a while was exaggerated because I was seeing the week for what it could have been rather than what it was or had to be.

But, I'm over that now. If the girls never went away again, I would be thankful that they were mine and that I had the privilege of watching them grow and loving them every day. There are little moments each one of them has that are so hilarious or special and I can't imagine missing that look on their face or that comment or that conversation or that special moment in their life.

It won't always be this way. It's just that I'm living in an annoying phase of life right now. Depression came back, I'm fighting temptations that I thought I had conquered two years ago, I'm floundering to know what to do with school and work; and I find I can't give up control to let God lead in my life. I'm ready to throw in the towel. It seems easiest to just come home and go to bed. My house is always a mess and unorganized anyway no matter how hard I try to keep up with it. At least when I'm sleeping I don't notice all that. However, with all of this going on, I find I'm able to take one day at a time. I tend to not even think about the next day. Every night I go to bed thinking I'll take a day off work and then I wake up and decide I'll go to work after all. I just keep telling myself, "This too shall pass." Right now, I'm happy if I sleep through the night and make it through an evening with out being grumpy.

Tomorrow Nick and his new bride, Lulu come into town for Thanksgiving. Emma is very excited to see them. She is laying beside me now, having put her self to bed and just closed her eyes and fell asleep. So easy for her to do. She's wearing bright pink lipstick which she begged me to let her leave on through the night. Jacey is sitting at the foot of the bed, wide awake coloring and talking to herself and insisting that I respond to everything she says. I've gotten pretty good and saying "mmhmm" in various tones depending on the tone of her comment or question. She was funny earlier, I wouldn't listen to what she was saying so she started counting "1, 2, 3..." she got all the way to 6 before I realized she was counting at me because I wasn't listening to her as I do with her for not doing what she is told. She's much more lenient than me counting all the way to 6. I never let her disobey past the count of 3, ha ha. I have much to be thankful for even when it's harder to see.