I won't go into all the details of labor (26 hours worth including non-active) and birth, but I will say that I was glad to experience a "natural" birth. It was actually somewhat of a horrifying experience, ha ha. There were moments I thought I would never have the baby and thank God for contractions or she definitely wouldn't have been here. I remember being so exhausted and I veered from my birth plan by taking the epidural because I just wasn't enjoying myself, ha ha. I know it isn't meant to be a party, but I so badly wanted to enjoy the first moments Jacey came into the world and I was very out of sorts with the pains of the contractions. I knew I couldn't enjoy her birth otherwise.
To be honest, though, even with the epidural I still felt out of sorts. I didn't know how to push or breathe. I felt like not all the nurses were very personable and I'm just thankful for my mom and sister, Liz, who were there from beginning to end and helped me though it. My doctor was able to show up, as well, and that was surprisingly comforting for me even though I had only been seen by her a handful of times.
Looking back, there are certainly things I would do different. I found that I longed for Jason to be there even though I was so mad at him. He was deployed either way and I think that's the only reason why I wasn't more frustrated with his absence. I didn't feel any different when Jacey was born than when Emma was born and I had really hoped for more of a connection since I had done it naturally. So, the emotions of the birth were very different than I anticipated and in a way that was disappointing. I may plan things last minute, but I am a planner non-the-less so when the birth didn't go according to plan, I felt discombobulated. I also felt very "blurry" because technically I was blurry. I didn't have my glasses or contacts on and I regretted that I couldn't make out Jacey's little features right away. I guess mom had suggested I got my glasses, but that moment is vague in my memory and I don't think I was thinking clearly enough to respond to her question properly, since apparently I said, "No." I think I was afraid they would bother me if they were on my face.
The first several hours after the birth I didn't talk to Jacey. She had different features than I expected including a head of hair. She wasn't the face that I had put with the belly. And that threw me off, as well. I was so in love with her when she was in my belly and I couldn't wait to see her, but when she had finally arrived I felt like I was holding a different baby. As I always do, I beat myself up for having those feelings; but it doesn't matter now because I love her so much now! I think overall I wasn't prepared for the things I should have been prepared for and way too overly prepared in areas that I didn't need to be prepared in, such as trying to think what she would be like. I couldn't have ever imagined what she would be like and I'm very, very happy with the Jacey that I have. So happy with her, in fact, that I cry every time I think about leaving her.
I tried to take her to the nursery once and I just stood in there staring at all the kids and workers and I couldn't bring myself to let them take her. When she was first born I swore that I never wanted to be pregnant again, but already I find myself missing the feeling of carrying my precious baby so close to me and often think about what it would be like to try for a boy some day.
Even now, I hold Jacey and just stare at her and sometimes wonder what it's all about. Why did I get pregnant only to have my husband leave? Why did my birth experience go the way it did when it was so important to me to feel more connected? Why is it SO very hard to think of leaving my new baby in order to support my family now when before I was begging for a part time job?
But, none of that matters. Quandaries of a single mother that will never be answered and that's ok. I'm so very thankful to God for my two girls, my support group and my future which I'm actually really excited about.
