I'm wide awake at 0428 in the morning

The rain coming down in not so rhythmic force on the roof of the camper is more soothing than anything else. It's the snow melting off the trees and hitting the roof with a bang and an echo, it's the stray we picked up two nights ago to re-home scratching his ear continually through out the night, it's Pida shaking in fright when the snow hits the roof and jingling her collar, its the many many thoughts running through my head that are keeping me awake.

I was wide awake when we turned the lights off to go to sleep at 11 last night. I'm not sure if I drifted to sleep at all since that time. I made my eyes tired by playing solitaire on my phone. I might have drifted for a couple hours then. Jason tossed and turned next to me. I'm sure he'll get up for work in the morning with complaints of not sleeping well, too.

I grabbed my robe and Sniff and headed to the bathroom. When I entered I saw a blob of white on the blob of purple with my blinded eye sight. Upon leaning closer to see what it was, it was my daughter's diaper (on the purple bathroom rug). I laughed half-heartedly to myself as I realized that though Emma refuses to use the bathroom and continues to wear diapers, when she DOES use the potty she can do it all on her own. Last night, she told me she had to use the potty so I told her to go do it. She took her diaper off, got up on the toilet with out a stool, and wiped when she was done. The only thing she left out was flushing. Yet, during the day, even when I put her in panties she'll refuse to use the potty, soil her panties and continue playing like nothing had happened. I'm at a loss here. What stubbornness.

The thought keeping me awake the most this morning was "How on earth can I bathe the stray?" Jason seems very unsettled with that fact that he smells although I barely notice the smell myself. He's an older lab mix with seemingly hip problems as we have to carry him up the stairs to our camper. With who knows what medical issues behind him, I find we'll be lucky to find him a home quickly on craigslist. His catfood diet can not be healthy for him either. We can not keep him, though it was considered. He's a great dog for inside the camper. He just lays around, is patient when he needs to go out, and is proving to be easily trainable. But with most definite medical needs for his age, the fact that he can't climb the stairs, and because my parents would simply lose their mind if I tried to bring a dog to Arizona this March, we have decided not to keep him. Oh, if only Jason and I both didn't have bleeding hearts for an animal in need. Many posts and inquiries later, we have had no luck tracking down an owner. And back to my original issue, how can I bathe him and make it more pleasant for Jason? I really don't think I should let all that hair go down our shower drain, although we have that tank always open for draining. Jason has already forbidden the shower option. He's a good sized dog so I'm not sure that I could fill enough small bowls I have laying around the house with warm water to do a thorough job outside. If I had a water girl to fill the bowl and bring it back as I washed, maybe. But, alas, Emma is not quite big enough for that task. So, the sleepless night continues.

I was busily writing away in my screenplay while Jason read last night before we went to bed and I still have thoughts on the matter so I suppose I will continue writing until I get tired of squinting and leaning forward to see what I'm writing. (I was reprimanded for wearing a very very old glasses perscription. The doctor told me not to wear them anymore or else my eyes will continue to get worse. I have yet to purchase a new pair and my contacts have to sit 6 hours before I can put them back in. So, I go blind) Then, I'll probably make Jason a lunch so I don't have to get up again when his alarm goes off. Providing I am back in bed, tired and/or sleeping by that time. He's leaving an hour earlier due to snow.

Killing Time

I have mixed feelings about busy days. Jason is working in the evenings this week so Emma and I have spent a lot of time at the convergence zone (indoor play ground) waiting for him to get off of work. Yesterday we were here for 4 hours. I got a lot of writing done in my screen play. Today, we have another four hours here until I have to go to a dog training class. I'm trying to fiddle around on the computer before getting started with my writing, but there just are not many more websites I can fiddle around on for 8 hours.

Emma is struggling with being spoiled after being sick. She could get away with murder when she's sick and even though she's only sick for a day, it takes her a week to realize she's not going to get spoiled anymore. So far we've had crying fits about needing mac n cheese, her shoe falling off in the car, wanting Dad to put her blanket over her legs even though it was in perfect reach of her, and losing the cat's fish toy. It's kind of cute and funny but certainly unacceptable for the not-so-sickly. Jason, is trying very hard to fight off the same thing Emma got. A weekend isn't long enough for his body to allow itself to get sick.

My dog training class this morning did not go over great. I often feel like I do not have a clue what I'm doing. I look forward to the day I feel completely confident in my skills. I would sure feel better if I didn't have to train with treats. Oh, well.

This week I'm working on Psalms 31:24 "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."

I asked the Lord to help me feel unafraid and this morning he showed me this verse. I have a lot of worries in this time in my life and it is a good time for me to practice leaving it up to God and letting him take control. Because I certainly don't have a clue what to do!

A Leap of Faith

This evening I was feeling heavy hearted. My sickies were in bed resting. I had a deep desire to just go out in the crisp air and walk. As usual on a lone walk at night, here amongst the trees, I felt the urge to Pray to the Maker of it all.

Sunday service was so good this morning as it has been every week we have gone. I went to church by myself since Jason and Emma were sick. Pastor Parr is so knowledgable of the Bible, I am swimming in new information and more revelation than I can handle. Today he talked about how to grow in good ground. One of his points was that remembering what you learn about God will help you to grow in the good soil. I had to stop and really think about that because so often I go home after church, consider the message maybe through lunch and then forget all about it even though it might have been one that spoke to me deeply. It was really bothering me that I could so easily forget about the amazing things of God that I learned in church.

I was thinking about this on my walk. I felt as if I could not continue walking until I took some time to just concentrate on praying to God. I found an empty RV lot towards the back of the park and sat down at a picnic table that graces each lot. I had ever greens behind me, empty lots to either side, the path I had just taken in front of me and tall, tall pine trees in between it all. The sky was clouded over, but the full moon still shown through. I was overwhelmed with God's greatness and I began singing hymns. I sang It is Well with My Soul and Count your Blessings and then started in on a song I wrote as a child years ago that talked about being thankful to God for everything he made.

Suddenly, new lyrics starting coming to my mind and I ended up finishing the song right then and there. I was so happily singing that I didn't want to stop and I decided to continue my prayer in psalm. I felt a certain closeness to King David as I started singing out a prayer to God. As I sang and prayed I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. This night felt different. I somehow felt that if I didn't make a major change in my life before going back to the camper I would never have another chance to do so again. I admitted to God that I had many fears when it came to giving my life completely over to Him and little faith. But, I knew that it was time. I had felt the burden in my heart for several weeks now. I was often afraid of losing my family or even my own life and I knew it was God trying to get me to a point of no return. I asked Him to help me grow a mustard plant so that I could gather mustard seeds. I told him that I would stop taking my depression medicine and I would let him heal me. I fearfully agreed to doing whatever it took to give my life completely over to Him, even if it meant trouble with my family not being on board with my decision. I have little faith, but I DO know that God is bigger than my lack of faith and certainly bigger than all my problems. I DO know that God will not give me a trial I can not handle. So, I took a leap of faith and I promised to let God lead my life fully from here on out.

Upon this decision I felt a sudden feeling of anxiety rush through my body. I was back at the camper by this time. I knew I needed to immediately read in my Bible and write in my diary and have some alone time with God before I could do anything else. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I knew I had given up control of my life. It was a very scary notion for me as a very controlling person. I couldn't help but start crying as I imagined the future trials I would face with not being able to control what happens in my life anymore, but having faith that God will lead me where I need to go and show me what I need to be shown.

In a small camper, I couldn't hide my emotions from my family. They joined me in the dark room at the back end of the camper. I told Jason my decision to give my life completely to God and I told him how scared I was to do so. Jason lectured me on the goodness and greatness of God and faith. He reassured me that I had his support. He told me to take it one step at a time.

About this time little Emma piped up. She said, "It's not big steps. It's little steps. Sometimes I go to bed and I sleep and I wake up scared. But I pray to God. God lives in the sky and He keeps us safe." (This is near verbatim)

I started balling with joy as my little daughter was telling me about the safety of the Lord, sharing her own personal story, and suggesting that my next steps are just little steps. Oh, Lord, give me the faith of my precious child.

Jason and I laughed and hugged and Jason said, "I think you can see you have the full support of the whole family."

We read Ephesians 1-3 as suggested by our Pastor and I wrote out my new song in my diary so I won't forget it. I feel much better now that my family is on board. I'm still afraid and tomorrow scares me the most because tomorrow is a new day full of new opportunities to mess up. Tomorrow is a test of not having my medicine for the first time. I expect there to be trials, but I look forward to the challenge. I know where to read in my Bible and I know how to pray. Tomorrow is the start of a new walk for me.

Thoughts of the day

Emma always touches my heart, but this morning she really touched it good. She asked me to come out and give her breakfast. When I came into the kitchen, her little tiny body was sitting at the table. Her legs were out straight and she looked like a tiny little adult. I got her some cereal, but she didn't really eat it. She kept laying down on the bench. I asked her if she didn't feel good but she didn't say. Eventually she went up to her bed to watch a movie. I would normally start school but I'm not feeling great, emotionally, myself this morning so I'll let her rest up there for a while as I pull myself together. I don't know what's going on with me this morning. Last few days I've just felt like crying for no reason. I'm switching to a different type of medicine that is safe for babies should Jason and I decide to have another child which is definitely on our minds.

Lately, I have been thinking that I would buy gifts for people through out the year and then just send out cards and family update letters or pictures for Christmas. I do my Christmas shopping all year round. I already have a gift for my Dad and the next gift giving holiday for him isn't until June. I used to have a chest for gifts, but since we moved into the RV I don't have that space anymore. At the same time, I can see myself coming up on Christmas and still buying people things. Plus, there's always that one family member that I just don't find anything for at all the entire year and if I don't purposely go out looking for a gift they probably wouldn't get one.

Jason and I have both been missing our old dog, Admiral, a lot. He was such a great pup! We wanted to get out of that old house so badly that we didn't think very far into the future and we acted pretty selfishly. We are both wishing we would have kept him. With those thoughts in mind we've been talking about getting another dog. We did an extensive search of dog breeds the other day and found our favorites. We can't get another Great Dane if we want to stay in this camp ground. They don't allow big dogs because of insurance issues, but don't EVEN get me started on how ridiculous that is. I will try to remain pleasant in this blog.

With out any encouragement from me, Jason decided we each needed our own dog. The Lee family can be quite the resource hogs. We like to each have our own pets to cuddle with at night and play with during the day. I can not get my dog until we have a truck because we can not pay for pet care during Jason's deployments when I travel and I don't have any intention of staying in WA so I'll have to wait until we can pull our camper to and fro. Jason is thinking of getting his dog when he transfers to shore duty so that he has more time bonding with it. I'm very thankful for a husband who has a love of animals and is willing to let the family be over flowing with pets. If I had my way I'd already have this RV full of more pets. I've been missing having a rabbit too. It's hard to be an animal lover "on the go."

I have a new dog training client. I start work with her 8 month old Boer Boel (A south American dog that looks part pit bull, part mastiff, has a great personality and beautiful coat!) tomorrow. We are meeting two times a week for socialization and obeying on first command. She has purchased my off leash training program. I'm very nervous about this as it's my first real client to do the off leash training. I often feel like I don't really know what I'm doing and I wish I had a dog of my own to practice on. I like to go practice on the shelter dogs, but there's only so much a dog can learn in a few hours. I am excited my website is getting noticed on google, though and happy to have more dog training business. It's an odd feeling being busy with my own business. For such a long time it was just the Daschounds and they were starting to feel more like family. Their owner was very laid back with the training. The busier I get with my own business, the harder it is for Jason and I to realize that we won't always have as much time together. Especially when he starts school and working at the same time, it's going to be tough to have time together.

My eyes are tired. Shere Khan is sleeping next to me. The camper is warm and cozy. We cleaned up yesterday so today will most likely be a lazy day until Jason gets home. When he gets home I am meeting an artist to see some prototype pictures he's drawn for my screen play. I'm excited for this!

It's been good talking to you all and sharing my thoughts of the day. Hope you are all having wonderful Tuesdays.

Christmas Eve

How does that poem go? Something about stockings hung and chestnuts? In my household it would go something like this:

Jason is de-cluttering the house and fixing loose ends.

Emma watches the Land Before Time with stuffed animal friends.

While Mommy lingers behind to write,

Not forgetting the house needs to be clean and bright.

For visiters of the Grandmother type

Join us for Christmas tomorrow night.

I'm a lot more excited this Christmas than I have been other Christmases since I've been married. Jason was deployed last Christmas so I was out of sorts. I think being in the new camper where we're all feeling the "camper love" and celebrating our first Christmas alone as a family is really helping this year feel merry and bright. I'm very excited this year because Emma is old enough to have some awareness of what is going on. We've been keeping up with our 25 days til Christmas count down tree that tells the story of the real meaning of Christmas. Emma keeps asking me "Do you remember Jesus?" We often talk about God and where he lives and how he watches over us. Sometimes she even sings Jesus' name. I'm sure that puts a smile on God's face as I know it does on her parents. We'll be bringing in her big present this evening which is so big it's in storage right now. Hopefully we have enough wrapping paper to wrap it all. And we'll be stuffing the stockings. I'm going to put her stocking on the top stair to her loft so hopefully when she gets up she'll know she can open it. I'm still deciding if I'm going to wrap them since I'm not sure that she'll know she can open them. She already found one of her stocking gifts by accident and we told her she couldn't play with it so I hope that doesn't deter her from getting into them tomorrow. Jason and I have already said we're getting up early for our Christmas gifts too. I think he's as excited as I am this year. Although, he cheated and got me more gifts than he was allowed to this year, using up all the extra spending money so I couldn't even go out and match him. He already got other gifts early this year too so I hope he enjoys the smaller amount that he's getting on Christmas day. I'm learning that there were a few toys he missed out on having as a kid and I can pretty much get those for him now as a win win for Emma and I. He wants to play with them with Emma and I get to see the two of them bonding. Jason's trying to talk me into letting him get a PS3 so he can "bond" with Emma with some fun, kids educational games (which was my stipulation - they had to be educational.) I actually don't think it's a horrible idea as Emma does seem to favor me over Dad and I want her to be a daddy's girl. Jason has a hard time playing with Barbies and stuffed animals, though and giving them a gift they can both enjoy together would be great for the whole family. Plus, I wouldn't feel guilty about going off and writing if they were playing games. (Educational games) I'm sure a PS3 is in our near future as Jason's side of the family is generous with monotary gifts. (My computer is not showing me how to spell that word, sorry.)

I already spent some of my Christmas money from Pappy Maloney on a carpet cleaner which Jason took over as his own project for today. So, that is fine with me. I will concentrate on cleaning up the rest of the house. Jason is missing his mommy, glad that she's coming into town, and excited to have the camper sparkling for her arrival. I'm just glad I'm feeling much better (I had the flu) so that I can help him get things around with out feeling awful!

Our Christmas goodies and listening to the scrooge tape around the Christmas tree went over well. I'm so thankful for Cheryl Kayser who opened up her kitchen for us to do our cookie baking and decorating. She also introduced me to biscotti which was actually rather tasty. It was great having someone to bake with who was also alone for the holidays and needed to get in the Christmas spirit herself. She is a great friend! We have really appreciated getting to know her, Stan and the dogs. I made the Thanksgiving drink since we had Thanksgiving at a restaurant this year. I'm enjoying more of that now along with no-bake cookies, sugar cookies, fudge enough to come out my ears, my obligatory cheese ball, and Jason's Hickory Farm traditional meat and cheeses.

Emma was funny this morning. We had the goodies still out from last night. She came into the kitchen before we did as usual. She said, "oo, cookies." And then there was silence for a while. Jason wanted to tease her so he said, "Hey, you better not be eating those cookies." More silence. And then, "I don't want a time out." ha ha I wonder what her face was like. So we got up and ate cookies with her. It was a breakfast of champions and she was thankful we weren't really mad.

The thing that annoys me

A doctor told me I was chronically depressed. At first, I thought, "Well, that makes sense." Looking back over my life even since a senior in highschool I have had "symptoms" of being depressed. When I started taking medicine for my depression I noticed that I did, in fact, make me feel better. I was able to get out of bed in the morning, do my chores, and greet Jason with a smile which was not my norm for the last couple years. However, over time I can't help but think my "depression" was more of a situational anxiety of sorts. Jason comes home from work and often talks of just wanting to go to bed. He complains about not wanting to go to work the next day and while it seemed his attitude paralleled that of my depressed mood, he is not seen as depressed. I sometimes can't help but think I've been misdiagnosed because I've been going to the wrong physician. The Anderson's (as it were) don't believe in depression and this is why: We are Christians. We have the Lord on our side. Should He not always be able to intervene when we are feeling down? I certainly do not read my Bible or pray near as often as I should and I'm only recently getting back into church. Does the medicine still help? There are those who would say, yes. Without it, by the end of the day, I can be a real monster. But, isn't it normal to feel tired at the end of the day and isn't it my Christian duty to not be perceived as a monster when I am feeling grumpy?

Jason wants me to continue taking the medicine because he thinks it keeps me from being grumpy. And, hey, if I'm constantly "fake" happy while on the medicine I guess I might as well take it for my family's sake. But I certainly do not think I should lose sight of the fact that I need God in my life a LOT more often than I've been letting Him in. I'm quite certain if I can get back on track spiritually, I will no longer be depressed.

Therefore, as of Christmas Eve 2011 I think I'm going back to the Anderson way and no longer believing in Depression. Is it a worldly diagnosis that many non-Christians deal with on a daily basis? Yes. Is is something Christians deal with from time to time? Yes, I think so. King David and others in the Bible seems to feel down. But who did they turn to? God. And did it take them long to come through it? I don't really know. But I do know by the end of Psalms, there's only praising God to be heard. I also know King David didn't have depression medicine. He relied on God to get him through and that's what I need to do if I ever want to feel that blissful happiness that has been a long time gone from me.

Camper Livin'

New camper, new life, new love. It amazes me how poorly our family was doing at the old Sidney House. The very instant we moved into this camper everyone has been better off. I've been much happier and less depressed. Jason and I have a new kind of "camper love". I feel like we're finally getting that "first year" of marriage now in our 4th year. Even Emma can't stand the thought of going back. We went to the old house the other day to pack up the rest of our things and officially move out. Emma said she was glad we didn't live there anymore because now she didn't have to be scared. When we say we're going home, Emma says "Not home! We're going to the camper!" We do not miss the old house. We can't place what about it made it so dreadful, but whatever it was we are glad to be out of there. We are financially stable now which takes a lot of stress off of the family. We are cozy here in the camper. I don't feel overwhelmed with too much house work. Emma loves her loft and play room. We are all feeling very happy and blessed here. We are all looking forward to our first Christmas here. Our little tree is filled to the brim with presents, but of course we are not forgetting the real reason for the season. Emma has been so adorable lately talking about Jesus and having an honest interest in God.

We always said once we moved into the camper we would start looking in Anacortes for a new church. The very first church we tried is called Cornerstone Baptist Church. Pastor Parr is extremely knowledgable and wise. He knows so much about the Bible and has devoted his entire life to studying the word and preaching. It's his hobby as much as his job. We have not even looked into other churches. We knew from one Sunday there that it was the church for our family.

The first week we went to Corner stone I felt alive again for the first time in a while. When Sunday was over I found myself wishing the next Sunday would come quickly as I was getting very excited to be in church again. Though Jason and I certainly do not give God all we should on a daily basis, God is still choosing to bless us tremendously.

The church is small, but seems to be growing. It's quieter than I'm used to but I don't know that I'll ever be in as vocal of a church as TVBC was. Jason wants to become the Mr. Thomas of Corner stone Baptist Church. Sometimes he just feels like shouting and I tell him there's absolutely no reason why he shouldn't. It's great to feel so happy about God and being in his house that you just want to shout.

To be honest, I'm already feeling like when we move from here I will really miss the church and have even considered a thought I promised myself I would never entertain. I wondered if we should STAY in Washington so we could always go to this great church. It would take God's full leading to actually get me to stay here and we will have to leave in a couple years due to military anyway. But, I already feel like we are becoming a part of a great church family and I know I will miss it when we're gone. I hope I can find other churches through out our travels with equally wise Pastors.

Camper living has a few negatives, but certainly nothing for me to even get worked up over. Laundry is not easy to accomplish with having to go to the laundry mat. And it's definitely not easy always cleaning up dirty dishes since I can't put any food down the drain. But the positives always out way the negatives. I have no complaints. Jason and I could see ourselves living in this life style for quite a while. I feel cool learning about all the things I have to do in the camper like the septic. It's all actually very easy.

Here's to our newest adventure (raises a glass)