My Little Crocodile

Jacey Kara Lee was born April 25th at 0545 weighing 7 lbs 11 oz and 20 inches long.

I won't go into all the details of labor (26 hours worth including non-active) and birth, but I will say that I was glad to experience a "natural" birth. It was actually somewhat of a horrifying experience, ha ha. There were moments I thought I would never have the baby and thank God for contractions or she definitely wouldn't have been here. I remember being so exhausted and I veered from my birth plan by taking the epidural because I just wasn't enjoying myself, ha ha. I know it isn't meant to be a party, but I so badly wanted to enjoy the first moments Jacey came into the world and I was very out of sorts with the pains of the contractions. I knew I couldn't enjoy her birth otherwise.

To be honest, though, even with the epidural I still felt out of sorts. I didn't know how to push or breathe. I felt like not all the nurses were very personable and I'm just thankful for my mom and sister, Liz, who were there from beginning to end and helped me though it. My doctor was able to show up, as well, and that was surprisingly comforting for me even though I had only been seen by her a handful of times.

Looking back, there are certainly things I would do different. I found that I longed for Jason to be there even though I was so mad at him. He was deployed either way and I think that's the only reason why I wasn't more frustrated with his absence. I didn't feel any different when Jacey was born than when Emma was born and I had really hoped for more of a connection since I had done it naturally. So, the emotions of the birth were very different than I anticipated and in a way that was disappointing. I may plan things last minute, but I am a planner non-the-less so when the birth didn't go according to plan, I felt discombobulated. I also felt very "blurry" because technically I was blurry. I didn't have my glasses or contacts on and I regretted that I couldn't make out Jacey's little features right away. I guess mom had suggested I got my glasses, but that moment is vague in my memory and I don't think I was thinking clearly enough to respond to her question properly, since apparently I said, "No." I think I was afraid they would bother me if they were on my face.

The first several hours after the birth I didn't talk to Jacey. She had different features than I expected including a head of hair. She wasn't the face that I had put with the belly. And that threw me off, as well. I was so in love with her when she was in my belly and I couldn't wait to see her, but when she had finally arrived I felt like I was holding a different baby. As I always do, I beat myself up for having those feelings; but it doesn't matter now because I love her so much now! I think overall I wasn't prepared for the things I should have been prepared for and way too overly prepared in areas that I didn't need to be prepared in, such as trying to think what she would be like. I couldn't have ever imagined what she would be like and I'm very, very happy with the Jacey that I have. So happy with her, in fact, that I cry every time I think about leaving her.

I tried to take her to the nursery once and I just stood in there staring at all the kids and workers and I couldn't bring myself to let them take her. When she was first born I swore that I never wanted to be pregnant again, but already I find myself missing the feeling of carrying my precious baby so close to me and often think about what it would be like to try for a boy some day.

Even now, I hold Jacey and just stare at her and sometimes wonder what it's all about. Why did I get pregnant only to have my husband leave? Why did my birth experience go the way it did when it was so important to me to feel more connected? Why is it SO very hard to think of leaving my new baby in order to support my family now when before I was begging for a part time job?

But, none of that matters. Quandaries of a single mother that will never be answered and that's ok. I'm so very thankful to God for my two girls, my support group and my future which I'm actually really excited about.

Emma and Jacey

Soon, I will not be the mother of just one daughter. In fact, there will be two. Emma is so excited. She really grasps the concept of the new baby quite easily. She seems to fully understand that there is a living child within my belly who will be coming out "some time after her birthday." I told her that in February. Yesterday, I told her we were having a party for Jacey and Emma thought Jacey was coming out of my belly for it. I explained that she couldn't be there yet and Emma said, "But, you said she was coming out after my birthday." I was impressed she remembered that.

Because I had a C-Section with Emma it has been easier for me to explain how Jacey is going to come out. I'm going to try a natural birth with Jacey, but to save Emma's innocence a little longer, I just showed her my scar and told her Jacey would be coming out from there.

I got a couple new stretch marks with this pregnancy on my belly. Emma likes to look for Jacey's kicks and talk to her. She always sees a kick that I never felt. ha ha I think she sees my breathing as Jacey kicking and I let her believe that. I tell her Jacey is saying hello. Emma saw my stretch marks the other day and said, "Oh, no! Jacey scratched you!"

Emma is super excited to be a big sister. Between her teachers, Karen (Jason's mom), and us here at home; she is getting a lot of insight as to what it means to be a big sister. Karen visited over Easter and was a big help in getting Emma prepared for the new baby. She talked to her about the things Emma could do to help out. I've been doing a lot of nesting lately and Emma has been helping me. When we put some of Jacey's clothes in a drawer she talked about how she would help get her dressed. When we folded some bath towels, she talked about how she would give Jacey a bath. Emma said once, "Oh, no!  I don't know how to hold Jacey." I told her not to worry and that we would practice with her doll. Since then, she has named her doll Jacey and often times puts her doll in her little grocery cart and tells me she's taking her daughter to the grocery store.

Karen bought Jacey a play pen (which I'm using as a crib) and a couple tummy time toys. Emma gets so excited for all the things that have been arriving for Jacey. First, it was all the clothes from Kim. Emma couldn't stand it that I didn't open the boxes for several days. One morning while I was eating breakfast, Emma came in carrying the un-opened box (bigger than she was) and I couldn't resist. I had to finally open it for her. My worst fears about opening the box came to life as Emma took EVERY last piece of clothing out (showed them to her dad who was webcamming with her at the time) and even tried to put on the little shoes. It was pretty cute and I didn't have too much trouble organizing the outfits again. Emma wasn't around when Karen's gifts arrived. After calling on my friend Christin (the play pen expert), I was able to figure out how to set that up. Emma came in my room that night with a bad dream. In the morning she saw the play pen and started choking on tears as she said, "But, I wanted Jacey to sleep in my room." I know that's probably not a great idea, but I couldn't help telling her that it wasn't a permanent set up and that we could move it into her room later. Emma hopped out of bed after that, got her doll and put her doll in the play pen with some toys. Couple days later she wanted to open the other toys Karen had sent and she laid them on the floor next to the play pen. She tried them out for a while, but I think the infant level bored her. Now she talks about how she is leaving them there for Jacey. However, they are right in the middle of the floor so I'm going to have to do some rearranging.

I'm very excited for Jacey to come into our lives and I know Emma is too. I hate the thought of having to work again. I'm ok with going back to school as that still leaves me some time at home with the kids. But, if I have to get a job I'll never see my precious children, the joys of my life! I'm praying that the money I get from the GI Bill and child care from Jason will be enough to keep me from having to work. I can't imagine not watching Jacey grow up. I remember hating that when I was working while Emma was a baby. I can't imagine leaving it up to someone else to be with my kids through out the day, raising them up and teaching them right from wrong. God intended the man to work and the woman to stay at home. But, unfortunately, I don't get that privilege now. I'm not complaining. I'm just praying and trusting that God's perfect plan will be shown to me and I know he'll take care of my daughters.

Emma's 4th Birthday

Sorry it took me so long to get her birthday posted. I'm lazy about doing posts that require pictures. She had a great turn out of all her girl-friends and teachers from school. To this day, she still thinks the pink unicorn can be seen at Pantano Stables. I still have the horn so maybe someday I'll take her back to see "Miss Kitty" - the horse actress.

 I felt a little sorry for Miss Kitty. She looked a little clownish. But all the kids loved her!

 Was a hot and sunny afternoon. We had colored sprite and you can see her cake on the table. The food didn't go over too well in the heat.

 Bubbles and balls while we waited for Miss Kitty to come out.

Blessings from tribulation

An amazing God we serve, who always knows best for us. I was marveling this morning at how God isn't answering our prayers for Jason's salvation when Jason would make such a neat man of God if only he would get saved. His worldly friends and life style are making him happy and while I know, as a Christian, it's only going to make him happy for a "season" I can't help but wonder why his season hasn't come to an end, yet. We all seem so ready for him to get saved. It seems like a good time. (It's always a good time to get saved.)

This morning I prayed and asked God to help me with my emotions though out the day. I've been struggling with the bi-polar feelings of love and hate for Jason. No sooner did I have those thoughts of frustration for Jason's salvation it was like God started to speak to me and show me how He's taking care of things.

I'd probably be divorced right now with or with out having had kids. Because our children were no more a part of making our marriage fail as they are a part of keeping us together. And, yet, with out Emma here to be my constant joy and in her own way, supporting me, I don't know how well I would have dealt with this divorce. Having her here has kept me stronger for her sake. Having Jacey on the way has kept me having a loving spirit as I look forward to her arrival. I realized that God had a plan for us all along. I often wondered why God allowed us to have children knowing that our marriage would fail; but now I see I needed them in this time. With out them I very well could have slumped into depression or worse yet gone back to my old ways out of desperation for companionship. Being a mother of two young kids has really helped me keep myself in order.

If I had stayed in the Navy like I wanted to, I wouldn't be here in Tucson with a great supportive church; and I wouldn't be on my way to starting school and getting a degree in a field that is going to really help me and my family the rest of our lives. Though I was bitter about leaving the Navy for several months, I can see, looking back, how it was meant to be to get me to where I am now.

God has shown me in other small ways that He looks out for His own. Yesterday, He proved how much He loves all his creatures, as I saw how he took care of a situation with a dog being able to stay with his family. It's the little things in life that God does that really makes me see how amazing He really is and how He really does have everything under control. Even watching out for the sparrows and the lilies.

I and my family pray fervently for Jason to get saved. But, if he got saved, if he wanted to come back to his family; is this even a good time? I know God has a the master and great plan. Honestly, I'm loving being in Arizona. I'm growing in the Lord, loving church and the things of God, and I'm excited about starting a job and running my own life again. I have to remember to be thankful for these things and know that God will soften Jason's heart at just the right time. After all, if I never prayed for Jason again, God is still going to do the work that needs to be done. He knows the desires of our hearts.

So, today I go on happily just knowing that I don't have to do anything. God is taking care of everything and that's a big relief.

The Trial

My last few posts have indicated that I'm going through something really serious, lately. For a while, I needed time to organize my train of thought and get a grasp on my emotions. Now that I've done that, it's time to reveal what I've been struggling with.

After five years of ups and downs, good times and bad, sickness and health, love and hate; Jason and I are splitting up. This is a very frustrating time for me because for three of the five years it has been I, who struggled to love Jason properly. In the last year God was really working on my heart and showing me how to be a better Christian and therefore a better wife. But, it was almost like it was too late. Jason became frustrated over the years with my actions and not being sound in his own faith (by his admittance) he fell away from God and therefore fell away from his family. I only wish Jason could see that our marriage WOULD survive if he just gave it another chance. Yes, our marriage has had plenty of chances. But aren't we supposed to forgive 70X7 times? Our flesh sometimes seems so strong that you think, in your flesh, you are making the right decision to handle things on your own. But, if I've learned anything through all of this, it is that we can do NOTHING with out Christ. But, in Christ, anything is possible. And with that is where I have to lay my faith. Jason is ready to move on. He's given up on his wife, kids and God. There is a selfishness and stubbornness in him that only God can remove. The cries of a pained, forgiving and loving family begging him not to leave, is like a fly buzzing in his ear; an irritation to be swatted away so he can live the so-called desired life he thinks he wants.

I finally had to come to the point of realization that I can do nothing to save my marriage. And, I have tried. I love Jason more now than I ever did before and not because of what we are going through, but because God was planting that love in my heart for him a year ago when I was asking God to help me change my heart. And He did. I thought I had given Jason what he always wanted (a loving wife) but it's impossible to please a man who isn't straight forward with you about his own spiritual state of being.

I worry for the kids more than anything. I can move on. Not emotionally from Jason, but physically in my life. I've actually rather enjoyed the freedom I've had to get a job, go back to school, make future traveling plans for my family and getting involved in the church with out being bogged down by Jason's military career or lack of money. I'm not going to let what's happening stop me from living my life to the fullest and spending as much quality time with the kids as possible. My desire is to have a very deep and bonded relationship with my girls. They need a father and they need a good disciplining hand. I can not give them either of those things. But God will be their Father and I pray, daily, that God gives me the wisdom and knowledge to know how to raise these girls on my own.

Emma struggles with the break up in her own four-year old way. She doesn't quite understand the emotions she's feeling and acts out in other ways. When she sees Jason or gets to talk to him on the phone her demeanor really changes. She becomes more loving towards me, giving me lots of hugs and tells me a hundred times in a minute that she loves me. We spend the rest of the day talking about how we aren't going to see daddy again for a long time and that we aren't going back to Washington. She says she loves Washington because that's where her dad is at. She's become more sensitive to arguing whether it be actual arguing between to people or just mom and I bantering back and forth. She'll often times say something like, "Stop fighting, guys." I have to be careful what I say around her because she's very sensitive to the topic of Jason and I splitting up. She acts up in disobedience a lot more, now too since this has all happened.

And poor Jacey will not even know her father on the level Emma does. There is no bonding there for her at all. She hasn't even heard his voice yet because she was too young, in the womb, when he was still around for her ears to have been working. My biggest fear is that in order for God to get Jason's attention, the children might have to go through something traumatic. It brings tears to my eyes knowing what these innocent children have to go through because of their parent's mistakes. I beg God to protect the kids and keep them safe at all costs. And most importantly I ask Him to let them find their own personal and very real relationship with God at a young age and to cling to that for dear life. Having God in your life sooner rather than later is SO important and I see that now. I want so badly to be the proper mother to my children because I'm all they have on this earth. I don't want to mess up and yet I mess up daily allowing my own stresses and frustrations of what's going on affect the way I handle Emma. I hope Emma and Jacey will be patient with me and I hope I can give them the most normal childhood possible. I don't want money to be an issue, but at the same time I don't want to work so hard that we never spend time together.

These are my worries, fears and trials. All of which, I leave in God's hands. Most days I'm simply numb to emotion all together. I think that's the way it should be. In my previous blog I talked about how the emotions of the heart cuz you to act foolishly. I'm happy to not feel guided by emotions. But, it's not just a daily struggle to keep all these things in mind. I must HOURLY be seeking God's help. God is really the one who leads me through each day. With out him living my life through me, I'd be curled up in the closet crying all day. I'm extremely amazed and thankful for the strength God has given me that I could only have experienced had all this happened. Which is, again, why it's good to rejoice in tribulation.


It's up to the prayers and pleads of every Christian family member and friend who are praying with us on this. Only God can fix our marriage now. I know what God is doing in my life to make me a better wife. I talked in my last post about learning to submit. I'm also learning to give up control. I truly believe that when God knows that I'm ready and worthy, I can get my husband back. But, I don't think I've arrived and Jason's heart is as hard as a Pharaoh willing to drown himself in the Red Sea. I know how important it is to give up control on an HOURLY basis. If I do not let God take control, I will never see the victory. And I SO badly want to see my family put back together. I also know that it may not be God's will, and I'm trusting in Him whatever path He takes us down.

The heart really is a fool

Proverbs 28:26 He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool...
This verse got me to thinking. How many of my emotions have to do with the heart and when I let my emotions guide me, am I following my heart like a fool?

Check this out: And I'm quoting from Today's Health.
The experience of an emotion results from the brain, heart and body acting in concert...The Institute of HeartMath, a research center dedicated to the study of the heart and the physiology of emotions, has conducted numerous studies identifying the relationship between emotions and the heart....The heart is in a constant two-way dialogue with the brain — our emotions change the signals the brain sends to the heart and the heart responds in complex ways....And the brain responds to the heart in many important ways....As we experience feelings like anger, frustration, anxiety and insecurity, our heart rhythm patterns become more erratic. These erratic patterns are sent to the emotional centers in the brain, which it recognizes as negative or stressful feelings. These signals create the actual feelings we experience in the heart area and the body. The erratic heart rhythms also block our ability to think clearly.

That's what I was looking for: The erratic heart rhythms also block our ability to think clearly. What an interesting study! And even more fascinating that it coincides with what the Bible tells us.

James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves therefore unto God.....draw night to God and he shall draw nigh to you....

I've been praying that God teach me how to submit and this verse reminds me that one must submit to God first. Often times I feel distant from God, even in this trial and even when I feel I'm being faithful in prayer and Bible. But, am I really drawing nigh to him? If I was, than He would be nigh to me.

2 Peter 3:9 God is not slack concerning his promises......
James 4:7-8 is one of God's promises. So I KNOW it will be kept. I will submit to God and when an emotion of perhaps anger, bitterness, sadness ect. creeps up and tries to get me to think unclearly, I'll remember that following my own heart (and therefore emotions) is foolish. My emotions tell me NOTHING about how I should act. But walking wisely in God and drawing nigh to Him and remembering His promises; that's when I'll know what to do and can be assured I'm feeling the right emotions.

Rejoicing in Tribulation

I'm a second generation Christian. My parents taught me so much about God, the Bible, staying in church, tithing, having a relationship with God, good morals, good character.....the list goes on. But, being a second generation Christian certainly came with it's own set of issues. I was saved FROM sin, not necessarily OUT of sin. I really never experienced what the world could be like or how it can destroy your life. My parents told me of it's dangers and did everything they could to protect me from it; but it was one of those things I had to find out for myself. Though I was already saved, I went into the world and lived like a lost person for several years making mountains upon mountains of the same mistakes my parent's warned me about.
I'm a hands-on learner. To simply be told (no matter how many times over again) that you will reap what you sow and that sin is only fun for a season was not enough for me. I had to go out and get my own "hands-on" experience only to learn that, yep, they were right. You DO reap what you sow and sin was only fun for a season.
I learned in Sunday School, yesterday, that we are supposed to rejoice in tribulation. At first I did not understand why that was so important. Why should I rejoice and be happy that I'm going through a trial? However, with the trial that was brought upon me due to my own sowing of bad seeds, I'm realizing what it means to rejoice in tribulation. My trial has shown me the true meaning of Christ's love, given me a true and meaningful relationship with God, forced me to stay in God's word and prayer (as it's the only way I would get through each day), allowed me to practice the fruits of the spirit and become a better Christian for it. I would have known non of these things if it wasn't for the trial that God put in my life.
Looking back over the years leading up to today's tribulation, it's interesting to see how God worked everything out in His own timing, making sure that I was fully ready for my lesson. Yes, MUCH has be sacrificed so that I could grow closer to God. I'd give anything to go back in time and force myself to take heed to my upbringing so that today, others were not suffering from my poor decisions. I'm not even completely at the place I should be, either. I struggle daily to find God's meaning in my trial and I'm sure often times letting my own selfishness and emotions guide the way. But, I DO rejoice in this tribulation. I find the things I'm learning through it all to be some of the best gifts I could have ever received. I'm valuing my relationship with God for the first time in possibly ever, I'm appreciating my parent's love for me through all of this more than I could have imagined and I'm finally understanding the amazing blessings that God bestows on His children on a daily basis.