An amazing God we serve, who always knows best for us. I was marveling this morning at how God isn't answering our prayers for Jason's salvation when Jason would make such a neat man of God if only he would get saved. His worldly friends and life style are making him happy and while I know, as a Christian, it's only going to make him happy for a "season" I can't help but wonder why his season hasn't come to an end, yet. We all seem so ready for him to get saved. It seems like a good time. (It's always a good time to get saved.)
This morning I prayed and asked God to help me with my emotions though out the day. I've been struggling with the bi-polar feelings of love and hate for Jason. No sooner did I have those thoughts of frustration for Jason's salvation it was like God started to speak to me and show me how He's taking care of things.
I'd probably be divorced right now with or with out having had kids. Because our children were no more a part of making our marriage fail as they are a part of keeping us together. And, yet, with out Emma here to be my constant joy and in her own way, supporting me, I don't know how well I would have dealt with this divorce. Having her here has kept me stronger for her sake. Having Jacey on the way has kept me having a loving spirit as I look forward to her arrival. I realized that God had a plan for us all along. I often wondered why God allowed us to have children knowing that our marriage would fail; but now I see I needed them in this time. With out them I very well could have slumped into depression or worse yet gone back to my old ways out of desperation for companionship. Being a mother of two young kids has really helped me keep myself in order.
If I had stayed in the Navy like I wanted to, I wouldn't be here in Tucson with a great supportive church; and I wouldn't be on my way to starting school and getting a degree in a field that is going to really help me and my family the rest of our lives. Though I was bitter about leaving the Navy for several months, I can see, looking back, how it was meant to be to get me to where I am now.
God has shown me in other small ways that He looks out for His own. Yesterday, He proved how much He loves all his creatures, as I saw how he took care of a situation with a dog being able to stay with his family. It's the little things in life that God does that really makes me see how amazing He really is and how He really does have everything under control. Even watching out for the sparrows and the lilies.
I and my family pray fervently for Jason to get saved. But, if he got saved, if he wanted to come back to his family; is this even a good time? I know God has a the master and great plan. Honestly, I'm loving being in Arizona. I'm growing in the Lord, loving church and the things of God, and I'm excited about starting a job and running my own life again. I have to remember to be thankful for these things and know that God will soften Jason's heart at just the right time. After all, if I never prayed for Jason again, God is still going to do the work that needs to be done. He knows the desires of our hearts.
So, today I go on happily just knowing that I don't have to do anything. God is taking care of everything and that's a big relief.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
The Trial
My last few posts have indicated that I'm going through something really serious, lately. For a while, I needed time to organize my train of thought and get a grasp on my emotions. Now that I've done that, it's time to reveal what I've been struggling with.
After five years of ups and downs, good times and bad, sickness and health, love and hate; Jason and I are splitting up. This is a very frustrating time for me because for three of the five years it has been I, who struggled to love Jason properly. In the last year God was really working on my heart and showing me how to be a better Christian and therefore a better wife. But, it was almost like it was too late. Jason became frustrated over the years with my actions and not being sound in his own faith (by his admittance) he fell away from God and therefore fell away from his family. I only wish Jason could see that our marriage WOULD survive if he just gave it another chance. Yes, our marriage has had plenty of chances. But aren't we supposed to forgive 70X7 times? Our flesh sometimes seems so strong that you think, in your flesh, you are making the right decision to handle things on your own. But, if I've learned anything through all of this, it is that we can do NOTHING with out Christ. But, in Christ, anything is possible. And with that is where I have to lay my faith. Jason is ready to move on. He's given up on his wife, kids and God. There is a selfishness and stubbornness in him that only God can remove. The cries of a pained, forgiving and loving family begging him not to leave, is like a fly buzzing in his ear; an irritation to be swatted away so he can live the so-called desired life he thinks he wants.
I finally had to come to the point of realization that I can do nothing to save my marriage. And, I have tried. I love Jason more now than I ever did before and not because of what we are going through, but because God was planting that love in my heart for him a year ago when I was asking God to help me change my heart. And He did. I thought I had given Jason what he always wanted (a loving wife) but it's impossible to please a man who isn't straight forward with you about his own spiritual state of being.
I worry for the kids more than anything. I can move on. Not emotionally from Jason, but physically in my life. I've actually rather enjoyed the freedom I've had to get a job, go back to school, make future traveling plans for my family and getting involved in the church with out being bogged down by Jason's military career or lack of money. I'm not going to let what's happening stop me from living my life to the fullest and spending as much quality time with the kids as possible. My desire is to have a very deep and bonded relationship with my girls. They need a father and they need a good disciplining hand. I can not give them either of those things. But God will be their Father and I pray, daily, that God gives me the wisdom and knowledge to know how to raise these girls on my own.
Emma struggles with the break up in her own four-year old way. She doesn't quite understand the emotions she's feeling and acts out in other ways. When she sees Jason or gets to talk to him on the phone her demeanor really changes. She becomes more loving towards me, giving me lots of hugs and tells me a hundred times in a minute that she loves me. We spend the rest of the day talking about how we aren't going to see daddy again for a long time and that we aren't going back to Washington. She says she loves Washington because that's where her dad is at. She's become more sensitive to arguing whether it be actual arguing between to people or just mom and I bantering back and forth. She'll often times say something like, "Stop fighting, guys." I have to be careful what I say around her because she's very sensitive to the topic of Jason and I splitting up. She acts up in disobedience a lot more, now too since this has all happened.
And poor Jacey will not even know her father on the level Emma does. There is no bonding there for her at all. She hasn't even heard his voice yet because she was too young, in the womb, when he was still around for her ears to have been working. My biggest fear is that in order for God to get Jason's attention, the children might have to go through something traumatic. It brings tears to my eyes knowing what these innocent children have to go through because of their parent's mistakes. I beg God to protect the kids and keep them safe at all costs. And most importantly I ask Him to let them find their own personal and very real relationship with God at a young age and to cling to that for dear life. Having God in your life sooner rather than later is SO important and I see that now. I want so badly to be the proper mother to my children because I'm all they have on this earth. I don't want to mess up and yet I mess up daily allowing my own stresses and frustrations of what's going on affect the way I handle Emma. I hope Emma and Jacey will be patient with me and I hope I can give them the most normal childhood possible. I don't want money to be an issue, but at the same time I don't want to work so hard that we never spend time together.
These are my worries, fears and trials. All of which, I leave in God's hands. Most days I'm simply numb to emotion all together. I think that's the way it should be. In my previous blog I talked about how the emotions of the heart cuz you to act foolishly. I'm happy to not feel guided by emotions. But, it's not just a daily struggle to keep all these things in mind. I must HOURLY be seeking God's help. God is really the one who leads me through each day. With out him living my life through me, I'd be curled up in the closet crying all day. I'm extremely amazed and thankful for the strength God has given me that I could only have experienced had all this happened. Which is, again, why it's good to rejoice in tribulation.
It's up to the prayers and pleads of every Christian family member and friend who are praying with us on this. Only God can fix our marriage now. I know what God is doing in my life to make me a better wife. I talked in my last post about learning to submit. I'm also learning to give up control. I truly believe that when God knows that I'm ready and worthy, I can get my husband back. But, I don't think I've arrived and Jason's heart is as hard as a Pharaoh willing to drown himself in the Red Sea. I know how important it is to give up control on an HOURLY basis. If I do not let God take control, I will never see the victory. And I SO badly want to see my family put back together. I also know that it may not be God's will, and I'm trusting in Him whatever path He takes us down.
After five years of ups and downs, good times and bad, sickness and health, love and hate; Jason and I are splitting up. This is a very frustrating time for me because for three of the five years it has been I, who struggled to love Jason properly. In the last year God was really working on my heart and showing me how to be a better Christian and therefore a better wife. But, it was almost like it was too late. Jason became frustrated over the years with my actions and not being sound in his own faith (by his admittance) he fell away from God and therefore fell away from his family. I only wish Jason could see that our marriage WOULD survive if he just gave it another chance. Yes, our marriage has had plenty of chances. But aren't we supposed to forgive 70X7 times? Our flesh sometimes seems so strong that you think, in your flesh, you are making the right decision to handle things on your own. But, if I've learned anything through all of this, it is that we can do NOTHING with out Christ. But, in Christ, anything is possible. And with that is where I have to lay my faith. Jason is ready to move on. He's given up on his wife, kids and God. There is a selfishness and stubbornness in him that only God can remove. The cries of a pained, forgiving and loving family begging him not to leave, is like a fly buzzing in his ear; an irritation to be swatted away so he can live the so-called desired life he thinks he wants.
I finally had to come to the point of realization that I can do nothing to save my marriage. And, I have tried. I love Jason more now than I ever did before and not because of what we are going through, but because God was planting that love in my heart for him a year ago when I was asking God to help me change my heart. And He did. I thought I had given Jason what he always wanted (a loving wife) but it's impossible to please a man who isn't straight forward with you about his own spiritual state of being.
I worry for the kids more than anything. I can move on. Not emotionally from Jason, but physically in my life. I've actually rather enjoyed the freedom I've had to get a job, go back to school, make future traveling plans for my family and getting involved in the church with out being bogged down by Jason's military career or lack of money. I'm not going to let what's happening stop me from living my life to the fullest and spending as much quality time with the kids as possible. My desire is to have a very deep and bonded relationship with my girls. They need a father and they need a good disciplining hand. I can not give them either of those things. But God will be their Father and I pray, daily, that God gives me the wisdom and knowledge to know how to raise these girls on my own.
Emma struggles with the break up in her own four-year old way. She doesn't quite understand the emotions she's feeling and acts out in other ways. When she sees Jason or gets to talk to him on the phone her demeanor really changes. She becomes more loving towards me, giving me lots of hugs and tells me a hundred times in a minute that she loves me. We spend the rest of the day talking about how we aren't going to see daddy again for a long time and that we aren't going back to Washington. She says she loves Washington because that's where her dad is at. She's become more sensitive to arguing whether it be actual arguing between to people or just mom and I bantering back and forth. She'll often times say something like, "Stop fighting, guys." I have to be careful what I say around her because she's very sensitive to the topic of Jason and I splitting up. She acts up in disobedience a lot more, now too since this has all happened.
And poor Jacey will not even know her father on the level Emma does. There is no bonding there for her at all. She hasn't even heard his voice yet because she was too young, in the womb, when he was still around for her ears to have been working. My biggest fear is that in order for God to get Jason's attention, the children might have to go through something traumatic. It brings tears to my eyes knowing what these innocent children have to go through because of their parent's mistakes. I beg God to protect the kids and keep them safe at all costs. And most importantly I ask Him to let them find their own personal and very real relationship with God at a young age and to cling to that for dear life. Having God in your life sooner rather than later is SO important and I see that now. I want so badly to be the proper mother to my children because I'm all they have on this earth. I don't want to mess up and yet I mess up daily allowing my own stresses and frustrations of what's going on affect the way I handle Emma. I hope Emma and Jacey will be patient with me and I hope I can give them the most normal childhood possible. I don't want money to be an issue, but at the same time I don't want to work so hard that we never spend time together.
These are my worries, fears and trials. All of which, I leave in God's hands. Most days I'm simply numb to emotion all together. I think that's the way it should be. In my previous blog I talked about how the emotions of the heart cuz you to act foolishly. I'm happy to not feel guided by emotions. But, it's not just a daily struggle to keep all these things in mind. I must HOURLY be seeking God's help. God is really the one who leads me through each day. With out him living my life through me, I'd be curled up in the closet crying all day. I'm extremely amazed and thankful for the strength God has given me that I could only have experienced had all this happened. Which is, again, why it's good to rejoice in tribulation.
It's up to the prayers and pleads of every Christian family member and friend who are praying with us on this. Only God can fix our marriage now. I know what God is doing in my life to make me a better wife. I talked in my last post about learning to submit. I'm also learning to give up control. I truly believe that when God knows that I'm ready and worthy, I can get my husband back. But, I don't think I've arrived and Jason's heart is as hard as a Pharaoh willing to drown himself in the Red Sea. I know how important it is to give up control on an HOURLY basis. If I do not let God take control, I will never see the victory. And I SO badly want to see my family put back together. I also know that it may not be God's will, and I'm trusting in Him whatever path He takes us down.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
The heart really is a fool
Proverbs 28:26 He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool...
This verse got me to thinking. How many of my emotions have to do with the heart and when I let my emotions guide me, am I following my heart like a fool?
Check this out: And I'm quoting from Today's Health.
The experience of an emotion results from the brain, heart and body acting in concert...The Institute of HeartMath, a research center dedicated to the study of the heart and the physiology of emotions, has conducted numerous studies identifying the relationship between emotions and the heart....The heart is in a constant two-way dialogue with the brain — our emotions change the signals the brain sends to the heart and the heart responds in complex ways....And the brain responds to the heart in many important ways....As we experience feelings like anger, frustration, anxiety and insecurity, our heart rhythm patterns become more erratic. These erratic patterns are sent to the emotional centers in the brain, which it recognizes as negative or stressful feelings. These signals create the actual feelings we experience in the heart area and the body. The erratic heart rhythms also block our ability to think clearly.
That's what I was looking for: The erratic heart rhythms also block our ability to think clearly. What an interesting study! And even more fascinating that it coincides with what the Bible tells us.
James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves therefore unto God.....draw night to God and he shall draw nigh to you....
I've been praying that God teach me how to submit and this verse reminds me that one must submit to God first. Often times I feel distant from God, even in this trial and even when I feel I'm being faithful in prayer and Bible. But, am I really drawing nigh to him? If I was, than He would be nigh to me.
2 Peter 3:9 God is not slack concerning his promises......
James 4:7-8 is one of God's promises. So I KNOW it will be kept. I will submit to God and when an emotion of perhaps anger, bitterness, sadness ect. creeps up and tries to get me to think unclearly, I'll remember that following my own heart (and therefore emotions) is foolish. My emotions tell me NOTHING about how I should act. But walking wisely in God and drawing nigh to Him and remembering His promises; that's when I'll know what to do and can be assured I'm feeling the right emotions.
This verse got me to thinking. How many of my emotions have to do with the heart and when I let my emotions guide me, am I following my heart like a fool?
Check this out: And I'm quoting from Today's Health.
The experience of an emotion results from the brain, heart and body acting in concert...The Institute of HeartMath, a research center dedicated to the study of the heart and the physiology of emotions, has conducted numerous studies identifying the relationship between emotions and the heart....The heart is in a constant two-way dialogue with the brain — our emotions change the signals the brain sends to the heart and the heart responds in complex ways....And the brain responds to the heart in many important ways....As we experience feelings like anger, frustration, anxiety and insecurity, our heart rhythm patterns become more erratic. These erratic patterns are sent to the emotional centers in the brain, which it recognizes as negative or stressful feelings. These signals create the actual feelings we experience in the heart area and the body. The erratic heart rhythms also block our ability to think clearly.
That's what I was looking for: The erratic heart rhythms also block our ability to think clearly. What an interesting study! And even more fascinating that it coincides with what the Bible tells us.
James 4:7-8 Submit yourselves therefore unto God.....draw night to God and he shall draw nigh to you....
I've been praying that God teach me how to submit and this verse reminds me that one must submit to God first. Often times I feel distant from God, even in this trial and even when I feel I'm being faithful in prayer and Bible. But, am I really drawing nigh to him? If I was, than He would be nigh to me.
2 Peter 3:9 God is not slack concerning his promises......
James 4:7-8 is one of God's promises. So I KNOW it will be kept. I will submit to God and when an emotion of perhaps anger, bitterness, sadness ect. creeps up and tries to get me to think unclearly, I'll remember that following my own heart (and therefore emotions) is foolish. My emotions tell me NOTHING about how I should act. But walking wisely in God and drawing nigh to Him and remembering His promises; that's when I'll know what to do and can be assured I'm feeling the right emotions.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Rejoicing in Tribulation
I'm a second generation Christian. My parents taught me so much about God, the Bible, staying in church, tithing, having a relationship with God, good morals, good character.....the list goes on. But, being a second generation Christian certainly came with it's own set of issues. I was saved FROM sin, not necessarily OUT of sin. I really never experienced what the world could be like or how it can destroy your life. My parents told me of it's dangers and did everything they could to protect me from it; but it was one of those things I had to find out for myself. Though I was already saved, I went into the world and lived like a lost person for several years making mountains upon mountains of the same mistakes my parent's warned me about.
I'm a hands-on learner. To simply be told (no matter how many times over again) that you will reap what you sow and that sin is only fun for a season was not enough for me. I had to go out and get my own "hands-on" experience only to learn that, yep, they were right. You DO reap what you sow and sin was only fun for a season.
I learned in Sunday School, yesterday, that we are supposed to rejoice in tribulation. At first I did not understand why that was so important. Why should I rejoice and be happy that I'm going through a trial? However, with the trial that was brought upon me due to my own sowing of bad seeds, I'm realizing what it means to rejoice in tribulation. My trial has shown me the true meaning of Christ's love, given me a true and meaningful relationship with God, forced me to stay in God's word and prayer (as it's the only way I would get through each day), allowed me to practice the fruits of the spirit and become a better Christian for it. I would have known non of these things if it wasn't for the trial that God put in my life.
Looking back over the years leading up to today's tribulation, it's interesting to see how God worked everything out in His own timing, making sure that I was fully ready for my lesson. Yes, MUCH has be sacrificed so that I could grow closer to God. I'd give anything to go back in time and force myself to take heed to my upbringing so that today, others were not suffering from my poor decisions. I'm not even completely at the place I should be, either. I struggle daily to find God's meaning in my trial and I'm sure often times letting my own selfishness and emotions guide the way. But, I DO rejoice in this tribulation. I find the things I'm learning through it all to be some of the best gifts I could have ever received. I'm valuing my relationship with God for the first time in possibly ever, I'm appreciating my parent's love for me through all of this more than I could have imagined and I'm finally understanding the amazing blessings that God bestows on His children on a daily basis.
I'm a hands-on learner. To simply be told (no matter how many times over again) that you will reap what you sow and that sin is only fun for a season was not enough for me. I had to go out and get my own "hands-on" experience only to learn that, yep, they were right. You DO reap what you sow and sin was only fun for a season.
I learned in Sunday School, yesterday, that we are supposed to rejoice in tribulation. At first I did not understand why that was so important. Why should I rejoice and be happy that I'm going through a trial? However, with the trial that was brought upon me due to my own sowing of bad seeds, I'm realizing what it means to rejoice in tribulation. My trial has shown me the true meaning of Christ's love, given me a true and meaningful relationship with God, forced me to stay in God's word and prayer (as it's the only way I would get through each day), allowed me to practice the fruits of the spirit and become a better Christian for it. I would have known non of these things if it wasn't for the trial that God put in my life.
Looking back over the years leading up to today's tribulation, it's interesting to see how God worked everything out in His own timing, making sure that I was fully ready for my lesson. Yes, MUCH has be sacrificed so that I could grow closer to God. I'd give anything to go back in time and force myself to take heed to my upbringing so that today, others were not suffering from my poor decisions. I'm not even completely at the place I should be, either. I struggle daily to find God's meaning in my trial and I'm sure often times letting my own selfishness and emotions guide the way. But, I DO rejoice in this tribulation. I find the things I'm learning through it all to be some of the best gifts I could have ever received. I'm valuing my relationship with God for the first time in possibly ever, I'm appreciating my parent's love for me through all of this more than I could have imagined and I'm finally understanding the amazing blessings that God bestows on His children on a daily basis.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Prodigal Cat Returns
This morning had a real curveball thrown into it. I was just waking up, getting Emma (also just waking up) around for school. Just before Dad was about to leave for work, he came in the room and casually mentioned that Sher Khan didn't come running for his breakfast this morning. This was certainly out of character for Sher Khan, but I didn't think anything of it. I was almost certain he wouldn't have darted out of the garage in one of the rare moments the garage door is open.
But, after a thorough search of the garage and the immediate areas outside, I felt a sudden doom wash over me as I realized my cat really was missing. All I could think about was Mowgli all over again. Plus, this was a cat that Jason truly loved with all his heart and I knew he would be devastated to find out.
I cried for a while in bed until it was light enough to do a better search. Shelby and I went out in the brush at first light. Shelby was of absolutely no use. She found a lot of piles of coyote poop and some rabbits. When every rock and bush and rabbit was starting to look like an orange cat, I realized there was no use going on. I was home alone by this point and just went in my room and cried and cried. I prayed that God would bring him back but was feeling skeptical. I mean, how often does a house cat from Washington survive the harsh, coyote desert? Other family members texted me to tell me they were praying ceaselessly and suggested ways to help in the search.
Dad had some work he could do from home so he came back and helped me look while his programs were running. I hung flyers on the surrounding mailboxes and we went on a "cat hunt" with food to try and lure him out. We followed coyote tracks hoping to at least find remnants of his remains should that be his fate. Eventually we had to agree that surely he hadn't gone as far as we were searching. We headed back and walked up and down the street. Little did we know, the poor little guy was hunkered under the stucco of someone's front porch, too scared to come out to our calls.
Dad had to go back to work and my belly was not feeling well from all the hiking around and emotional stress. I called some shelters and then decided to just try and stay busy so I didn't cry all day. I honestly felt in my heart that we would never see Sher Khan again.
I was all worked up in a sewing project, rather enjoying how it was coming together, when my phone rang. I saw it was a Tucson number and I tried not to feel too hopeful. But, sure enough, a man said he saw my flyer on the mailbox and believed my cat was on his front porch. I hoofed it to the top of the hill as fast as I could.
The poor little guy was hunkered in a small corner, squished as low the ground as he could get. I could tell he was happy to see me, but he was so scared he didn't know how to express himself yet. The man was a quiet helper and responded little to my big story about him getting lost and how happy I was to have him back.
Sher Khan pressed against my chest as we walked back to the house and the more steps I took the more Sher Khan began to purr. Little spurts at first with tiny little meows as if he was sputtering out his relief to be in familiar arms. When he saw the garage door was slightly cracked open he tried leaping out of hands. But, I took him in through the house instead and put him in front of his food. Even Bagheera left her bed to say hello. By now Sher Khan is purring loud and long. He meows and meows so happy to be on his own turf.
He actually didn't eat first. He went straight for the litter box. Silly little house cat doesn't even know how to go potty outside. He had some burs in his fur, but spent several moments licking my feet and rubbing on my leg and jumping in my lap for pets before settling down in the middle of the garage to clean himself. Bagheera wondered around the garage sniffing at things trying to figure out what the fuss was all about and probably wondering why he ever thought he should leave his condo. He is, after all, the "happiest he's ever been" there.
Praise the Lord for answered prayers even when I had little faith. The whole adventure would make a fun kid's book sometime. The house cat who thought he wanted to be a tiger. Let's hope he learned a valuable lesson.
But, after a thorough search of the garage and the immediate areas outside, I felt a sudden doom wash over me as I realized my cat really was missing. All I could think about was Mowgli all over again. Plus, this was a cat that Jason truly loved with all his heart and I knew he would be devastated to find out.
I cried for a while in bed until it was light enough to do a better search. Shelby and I went out in the brush at first light. Shelby was of absolutely no use. She found a lot of piles of coyote poop and some rabbits. When every rock and bush and rabbit was starting to look like an orange cat, I realized there was no use going on. I was home alone by this point and just went in my room and cried and cried. I prayed that God would bring him back but was feeling skeptical. I mean, how often does a house cat from Washington survive the harsh, coyote desert? Other family members texted me to tell me they were praying ceaselessly and suggested ways to help in the search.
Dad had some work he could do from home so he came back and helped me look while his programs were running. I hung flyers on the surrounding mailboxes and we went on a "cat hunt" with food to try and lure him out. We followed coyote tracks hoping to at least find remnants of his remains should that be his fate. Eventually we had to agree that surely he hadn't gone as far as we were searching. We headed back and walked up and down the street. Little did we know, the poor little guy was hunkered under the stucco of someone's front porch, too scared to come out to our calls.
Dad had to go back to work and my belly was not feeling well from all the hiking around and emotional stress. I called some shelters and then decided to just try and stay busy so I didn't cry all day. I honestly felt in my heart that we would never see Sher Khan again.
I was all worked up in a sewing project, rather enjoying how it was coming together, when my phone rang. I saw it was a Tucson number and I tried not to feel too hopeful. But, sure enough, a man said he saw my flyer on the mailbox and believed my cat was on his front porch. I hoofed it to the top of the hill as fast as I could.
The poor little guy was hunkered in a small corner, squished as low the ground as he could get. I could tell he was happy to see me, but he was so scared he didn't know how to express himself yet. The man was a quiet helper and responded little to my big story about him getting lost and how happy I was to have him back.
Sher Khan pressed against my chest as we walked back to the house and the more steps I took the more Sher Khan began to purr. Little spurts at first with tiny little meows as if he was sputtering out his relief to be in familiar arms. When he saw the garage door was slightly cracked open he tried leaping out of hands. But, I took him in through the house instead and put him in front of his food. Even Bagheera left her bed to say hello. By now Sher Khan is purring loud and long. He meows and meows so happy to be on his own turf.
He actually didn't eat first. He went straight for the litter box. Silly little house cat doesn't even know how to go potty outside. He had some burs in his fur, but spent several moments licking my feet and rubbing on my leg and jumping in my lap for pets before settling down in the middle of the garage to clean himself. Bagheera wondered around the garage sniffing at things trying to figure out what the fuss was all about and probably wondering why he ever thought he should leave his condo. He is, after all, the "happiest he's ever been" there.
Praise the Lord for answered prayers even when I had little faith. The whole adventure would make a fun kid's book sometime. The house cat who thought he wanted to be a tiger. Let's hope he learned a valuable lesson.
Bringing him home.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Baby Revealing
"I am my daughter's mother" now has an apostrophe out of place. Friday, the 28th, mom and I went to find out what the sex of the baby was. I was pretty excited to find out, which is always a strange emotion for me. I rarely feel actual excitement about anything. And, when I was pregnant for Emma I never felt excited about the pregnancy until the day she was born. So, this was all new feelings for me. Mom and I were both hoping for a boy. When the lady told us I was having a girl I was embarrassed to actually feel upset. Fortunately, mom was disappointed too. I thought since it was the baby growing inside of me I would love it either way. But, I felt a wave of disappointing emotions swell over me when I first found out. My first thought was that Jason would be disappointed as well. He wanted a boy so badly. Mom and I exchanged glances of "oh-no" and my second thought was that I would have to do this again. I know Jason wanted to stop even if it was a girl, but I had really hoped for a boy to carry on the family name. Mom and I were both so thankful, however, that the baby was healthy and we were so impressed with the intricacy of God's creation.
As we left the doctor's office, I think we were still feeling stunned by the news. I was excited to know, though, and acting completely out of character, was telling everyone. Even when I got engaged, I showed my ring to no stranger and told no one that I was getting married besides family and friends. But, the news of the baby excited me enough that I told a stranger in the elevator. I even showed him the pictures. And later that day I told a cashier at Motherhood. And before we were even out of the doctor's office parking lot, I knew I was satisfied with a girl. I started thinking about how much Emma would love the news, how much easier having two girls would be and how we could stay in the RV with out having to upgrade to two separate sleeping areas for the kids. I realized this was truly God's plan for us at this time in our life and I was starting to happily except it. I knew in the back of my mind that as soon as we were settled down somewhere I would be more than happy to push out a couple more kids and try for a boy. In the meantime, Emma would really enjoy her sister.
We decided to have a revealing party for the family on Sunday so I had to spend a couple days not telling anyone. Sunday, after church, everyone else thought we were having a boy, too. We had a pink balloon and a blue balloon for each person. They popped the balloon that did not correspond to what they thought we were having. After the popping of the balloons, Emma and I came out from a back room. Emma held a sign that was decorated in pink and read "It's a girl." She wore a sparkly pink dress. I came behind her holding a pink giraffe balloon and wearing a shirt that said "Princess in Progress." As we turned the corner, ALL, but one balloon were blue. Josh was the only one who had predicted a girl. It was such a great surprise to everyone find out. I didn't get to see their faces, but we all agreed that a sister for Emma was such a perfect idea. The whole day felt kind of like a birthday party. We had strawberry waffles and strawberry milk for lunch. It was a relief to get the secret out. Now it's all fun and games talking to Emma about her new baby sister. She already seems very willing to want to help out. Knowing the sex of the baby has actually made me feel more excited about this pregnancy. I feel a little more connected to the baby inside of me and am looking forward to the birth. God has been so good to our family and I'm so thankful he watches over us.
I'll be registering at Target. PLEASE, if you are choosing to get us a baby gift, stick to the registry or keep in mind that we live in a camper and have VERY limited space.
As we left the doctor's office, I think we were still feeling stunned by the news. I was excited to know, though, and acting completely out of character, was telling everyone. Even when I got engaged, I showed my ring to no stranger and told no one that I was getting married besides family and friends. But, the news of the baby excited me enough that I told a stranger in the elevator. I even showed him the pictures. And later that day I told a cashier at Motherhood. And before we were even out of the doctor's office parking lot, I knew I was satisfied with a girl. I started thinking about how much Emma would love the news, how much easier having two girls would be and how we could stay in the RV with out having to upgrade to two separate sleeping areas for the kids. I realized this was truly God's plan for us at this time in our life and I was starting to happily except it. I knew in the back of my mind that as soon as we were settled down somewhere I would be more than happy to push out a couple more kids and try for a boy. In the meantime, Emma would really enjoy her sister.
We decided to have a revealing party for the family on Sunday so I had to spend a couple days not telling anyone. Sunday, after church, everyone else thought we were having a boy, too. We had a pink balloon and a blue balloon for each person. They popped the balloon that did not correspond to what they thought we were having. After the popping of the balloons, Emma and I came out from a back room. Emma held a sign that was decorated in pink and read "It's a girl." She wore a sparkly pink dress. I came behind her holding a pink giraffe balloon and wearing a shirt that said "Princess in Progress." As we turned the corner, ALL, but one balloon were blue. Josh was the only one who had predicted a girl. It was such a great surprise to everyone find out. I didn't get to see their faces, but we all agreed that a sister for Emma was such a perfect idea. The whole day felt kind of like a birthday party. We had strawberry waffles and strawberry milk for lunch. It was a relief to get the secret out. Now it's all fun and games talking to Emma about her new baby sister. She already seems very willing to want to help out. Knowing the sex of the baby has actually made me feel more excited about this pregnancy. I feel a little more connected to the baby inside of me and am looking forward to the birth. God has been so good to our family and I'm so thankful he watches over us.
I'll be registering at Target. PLEASE, if you are choosing to get us a baby gift, stick to the registry or keep in mind that we live in a camper and have VERY limited space.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Desert Christmas
Emma and I arrived at my parent's house in Vail, Arizona the beginning of December. People, I can not fully express how overjoyed I felt as I immediately started in helping my mom with her busy schedule and going outside with out jackets. I knew I despised Washington, or to be more specific, Oak Harbor; but what I realized was that my love for Arizona is as strong or stronger than my hatred for Washington. All I can say is Emma and I are both extremely happy to be here. And, yes, I know Emma is happy too. I can not express enough how amazed I am at the difference in her nature since we have been here. In the camper, there was always a lot of whining and clinging and complaining and disobedience (from me too, I might add); but here Emma has been an angel. I had no idea she even had it in her. She has been going to bed, including naps, with out a fuss. She has been happy and playful with all members of the family. She has been polite and complimented by others about her politeness at church. She really is a whole new side to my daughter that I did not know she had. I can guarantee you this behavior has come out of her because she now has room to run and play. She's not cooped up for months on end due to rainy days, playing in 37 feet of space. She has friends here at church and school (I put her in a child development center at church two days a week) that she is really enjoying and learning with. I couldn't get her to be interested in her ABC's to save my life, but now that all her friends are doing it....well, she didn't want to be left out. (Should I be concerned?) I'm certainly not concerned that she is doing so well learning. Her teachers at the CDC have been great. A day has yet to go by where I'm not shocked at the way Emma and I are feeling here. I've felt an actual Joy in my heart since I've arrived. My Sunday school teacher has been going over the fruits of the spirit. He talked about joy last week and how joy was happiness outside of circumstances. When he explained it like that I realized I haven't experienced true joy in months, maybe even years. To feel my heart so uplifted in joy as I started getting back into church, Bible, prayer, activities, warm weather....it's just more than I can be thankful for in one day.
I've also enjoyed watching Emma prepare for Christmas. Her school class hosted a Christmas party for the parents last Friday. I have to admit it was kind of fun getting all the little gifts Emma had made for me at school. The CDC has been so great for Emma. I don't feel guilty not being the teacher when she's there. I feel like she's learning such great things and because it's at the church she is also getting in lessons about God. It's exactly the kind of school I would have hoped for Emma if she were ever not to be home schooled. She also did such a great job decorating the tree, wrapping gifts, and helping with the baking. I love this age where they actually want to help out and really enjoy it. She's so excited for Christmas. Jampa had a birthday with gifts, Liz had a birthday with gifts and Emma can barely stand it. She so badly wanted it to be her birthday yesterday when we celebrated Liz's birth. She went to our Christmas countdown and put the count on the 25th and then ran into the living room saying, "It's Christmas!"
Perhaps due to pregnancy emotions or just for once not feeling so selfish and depressed, I've started thinking a lot about if I didn't have Emma in my life. The slightest things put me in a scare and I worry that I won't see her again. It also could be partly sending her off to school for the first time. Even Jason felt it out at sea. Our little girl growing up. It brings tears to my eyes even now as I think about the innocence that will soon be ruined by this wicked world, the dealings with bullies and insecurities she's likely to face and the teen years which I can only assume will be awful as punishment to me for my own teen years. But God is so, so good and gracious and I know he'll watch over my newly acquired little angel :) I'm not really the type to worry, but I can't help but want to be so cautious with my special Tiny Tyke, especially after the recent school shootings, ect.
The last couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I don't hear from Jason often and while I do ok with that for the most part, I think deep down it affects me. It would be nice to hear from him out side of "work talk" and to know he's thinking of us. The ships usually try to pull in for Christmas and so far we have not been able to webcam, but hopefully he'll have better service if they do pull in. Today I read in a devotional about how your focus leads your thoughts and essentially your actions. I find that to be true with how I think about Jason. If I focus on the negative things in our current situation or relationship, I will start thinking poorly of him, us and our circumstances. But, if I can remain focused on the good things in all of that then I can have pleasant thoughts and in turn not be grumpy.
I can't believe that it's the 23rd already. I'm so excited to put Emma's stocking out tomorrow night. I wonder if Emma will be old enough this year to comprehend getting up and opening her stocking in the wee hours. I want to watch her open her stocking, but I'm going to tell her she can go open it when she wakes up and hopefully I'll hear her get up. Of course, tonight is our traditional Scrooge tape night with all the traditional Christmas snacks. Mom might finally let me eat the sugar cookies. Apparently, I was banned from eating them until tonight. The tree is full of presents. A good majority of them are for Emma and I can't wait to watch her open them. I feel awful that Jason has to miss out. This is such a fun age for Emma and she is so cute as she does things consciously for the first time. I will send him videos and pictures, though. This morning I was able to send him a picture of the baby kicking. It was just one kick and hopefully he'll be able to see it. I think he'll enjoy that. I am 22 weeks along right now and starting to feel a LOT of movement. This one is a kicker.
Every day I have to remember to just enjoy each day as they come. These days will not last and, though I have two more months here, I feel like it's not enough. Time is flying so quickly already. I hate that Jason coming home means so many "negative" things for us; but I am just going to enjoy every moment we have here. I know if I pray about it, God will help strengthen me and give me more love for my husband than hatred for Washington. The good news is, Jason got approved to transfer, so we only HAVE to spend one more year there. Many future events could change just how long we have to stay there, but we are hopeful for a speedy departure.
Until then, I pray God will continue to work in my life, making me the wife and mother I need to be for my family. And I'm going to take these Arizona blessings as they come my way!
I've also enjoyed watching Emma prepare for Christmas. Her school class hosted a Christmas party for the parents last Friday. I have to admit it was kind of fun getting all the little gifts Emma had made for me at school. The CDC has been so great for Emma. I don't feel guilty not being the teacher when she's there. I feel like she's learning such great things and because it's at the church she is also getting in lessons about God. It's exactly the kind of school I would have hoped for Emma if she were ever not to be home schooled. She also did such a great job decorating the tree, wrapping gifts, and helping with the baking. I love this age where they actually want to help out and really enjoy it. She's so excited for Christmas. Jampa had a birthday with gifts, Liz had a birthday with gifts and Emma can barely stand it. She so badly wanted it to be her birthday yesterday when we celebrated Liz's birth. She went to our Christmas countdown and put the count on the 25th and then ran into the living room saying, "It's Christmas!"
Perhaps due to pregnancy emotions or just for once not feeling so selfish and depressed, I've started thinking a lot about if I didn't have Emma in my life. The slightest things put me in a scare and I worry that I won't see her again. It also could be partly sending her off to school for the first time. Even Jason felt it out at sea. Our little girl growing up. It brings tears to my eyes even now as I think about the innocence that will soon be ruined by this wicked world, the dealings with bullies and insecurities she's likely to face and the teen years which I can only assume will be awful as punishment to me for my own teen years. But God is so, so good and gracious and I know he'll watch over my newly acquired little angel :) I'm not really the type to worry, but I can't help but want to be so cautious with my special Tiny Tyke, especially after the recent school shootings, ect.
The last couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I don't hear from Jason often and while I do ok with that for the most part, I think deep down it affects me. It would be nice to hear from him out side of "work talk" and to know he's thinking of us. The ships usually try to pull in for Christmas and so far we have not been able to webcam, but hopefully he'll have better service if they do pull in. Today I read in a devotional about how your focus leads your thoughts and essentially your actions. I find that to be true with how I think about Jason. If I focus on the negative things in our current situation or relationship, I will start thinking poorly of him, us and our circumstances. But, if I can remain focused on the good things in all of that then I can have pleasant thoughts and in turn not be grumpy.
I can't believe that it's the 23rd already. I'm so excited to put Emma's stocking out tomorrow night. I wonder if Emma will be old enough this year to comprehend getting up and opening her stocking in the wee hours. I want to watch her open her stocking, but I'm going to tell her she can go open it when she wakes up and hopefully I'll hear her get up. Of course, tonight is our traditional Scrooge tape night with all the traditional Christmas snacks. Mom might finally let me eat the sugar cookies. Apparently, I was banned from eating them until tonight. The tree is full of presents. A good majority of them are for Emma and I can't wait to watch her open them. I feel awful that Jason has to miss out. This is such a fun age for Emma and she is so cute as she does things consciously for the first time. I will send him videos and pictures, though. This morning I was able to send him a picture of the baby kicking. It was just one kick and hopefully he'll be able to see it. I think he'll enjoy that. I am 22 weeks along right now and starting to feel a LOT of movement. This one is a kicker.
Every day I have to remember to just enjoy each day as they come. These days will not last and, though I have two more months here, I feel like it's not enough. Time is flying so quickly already. I hate that Jason coming home means so many "negative" things for us; but I am just going to enjoy every moment we have here. I know if I pray about it, God will help strengthen me and give me more love for my husband than hatred for Washington. The good news is, Jason got approved to transfer, so we only HAVE to spend one more year there. Many future events could change just how long we have to stay there, but we are hopeful for a speedy departure.
Until then, I pray God will continue to work in my life, making me the wife and mother I need to be for my family. And I'm going to take these Arizona blessings as they come my way!
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