07 May 10 0924

On Wednesday, 28 April, I learned some very disturbing news that the baby I had carried for 12 weeks died at 8 weeks . I was alone as Jason was underway with his ship. The news hit me hard. I had only recently spoke of feeling great and I had no concerns for my pregnancy what so ever. Everything ran through my head all at once, "Was it those suit cases I lifted in San Diego, did Mowgli (one of my cats) jump on my stomach one too many times? Maybe the baby isn't really dead. I wish Jason was here! How will I get a hold of him? Who will comfort me? How can I go back to my command in this condition?" As I was thinking all of this, a few tears fell and my doctor re-assured me that it was nothing Jason, Emma, the cats, or I did to cause the baby to die. But non-the-less, as a believer in "everything happens for a reason" I couldn't help but question God, though still faithful to his promises.
Back home, picking up my daughter from the neighbors, I had this wave of appreciation for my daughter, Emma. She ran to me as she always does (regardless of whether I'm gone for 10 min or 8 hours) happy to see me not knowing that I was or why I was sad. I said to her, "At least I still have you." And in that moment I cried like a baby, having only my innocent 1 year old daughter to physically comfort me in my time of great need. And somehow, to my surprise, my squiggly, wiggly worm transformed into a calm, innocence of understanding, angel of comfort. She laid her head on my shoulder and I hugged her and cuddled her. She some how new that I needed her.
In the days to follow, even after Jason was finally able to come home, Emma continued to realize my emotional pain. She seemed to recognize every time I was crying and came to me babbling her baby talk and looking at Daddy trying to figure out why I was laying on the floor crying.
I guess babies just know sometimes. Emma is so smart and doesn't miss a thing. But, her innocent comfort was worth a million comforting words from someone who knew it all.

For M.C. (Mystery Child)
You were my heart beat, you were my every breath.
You were my every feeling, you were my thoughts revealing.
I barely even new you, but I already started to love you.
My heart is broken, because you're gone.

You were my fears, my random laughs, and all my many tears.
You were a new adventure, a very short lived past, and you were my future.
I was ready to see you, I was ready to hold and know you.
My heart is broken because you're gone.

I don't know why you were not strong.
I felt so helpless like I did you wrong.
I tried to care for you, though you were not ready.
My heart is broken because you're gone

I know you're up in Heaven and I know it is your haven.
God must have wanted you early, I know he loves you dearly.
So in Him I trust and I know I can adjust.
It's just my heart is broken because you're gone.