Why did I think I would be a good mother? Why didn't anyone else warn me about parenthood? It's not like my husband or my parents didn't know my personality. Why was I allowed to bare a child? In their defense, my parents would never presume to tell me how to live my married life and Jason and I chose to have a child for selfish reasons. But I'M FREAKING OUT NOW!!
I can't be a single mom. That I know for sure. Jason and I will always be together legally and in spirit; but physically he is not always going to be with me. I'm stuck making the decisions for our family and I haven't a clue what I'm doing.
I have a nervous laugh. I'm a jolly person anyway, but even when I'm nervous or scared I will laugh things off to appear like I have control of the situation or that I'm not afraid of what's going on in my life. Well, some might think that's a good thing and I was fine with it until it rubbed off on Emma. Now, she laughs at me when I'm punishing her or when she tries to get away with something. Because in the heat of the moment, I also laugh. I don't know how to control it.
And to top it off, though I thought I was learning better to say "no" to people, the fact of the matter is...it's still near impossible for me to do. Emma isn't even two and she already has learned that a goofy smile, a funny face, a sad sounding reason for why she did it, or trying to give me a kiss in the heat of the moment, will make me change my no to a yes like nothing else.
An observant friend told me I don't give enough attention to Emma. I don't talk to her enough. And that she whines to get my attention because I don't notice her when she tries to talk to me. The horrible thing is, it is all true. I started trying to take notice of when she talks to me. It's so hard because I really tend to get focused in what I'm doing (especially if I'm on the computer) but now that I listen for her I notice she talks to me a lot and I hadn't even heard her before.
Emma's immediate future is doomed basically until Jason gets back. And when Jason does get back I need to make sure I trust his judgment. I'm so embarrassed to go out in public or to go to a friend's house. It's obvious my friends are annoyed with Emma's loud behavior that I can't seem to control it. They can't see her for the adorable, sweet Angel that I see here at home (not that I blame them).
I feel lost, alone, deserted, and full of failure. How can I ask family and friends to give her a proper upbringing if I can't even do it myself?
And now, Emma has brought all her clothes from her dresser out and put them on the couch. So I will go tend to that.
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This post is something that I have written many times in my journey as a mother. We Anderson women are very hard on ourselves and feel we must be in control 24/7. Praise the Lord for the men in our lives to keep us from taking over in areas we weren't meant to take over in. You are not alone first off. Secondly, You have so many qualities as a mother that I envy. You make so many memories with Emma even at this young age whereas I tend to just blaze through a day with rules and regulations. That is only one of the many things I admire about you. I love you and will be praying for you. As you put God first in your life he will guide you in these areas. I many times wonder how on earth "single/military" mom survive and send up a prayer for them all.
ReplyDeleteDon't let it get you down.
ReplyDeleteTime and attention are important. Kids need that connection... it's says 'I love you' in a language that they speak.
Every one struggles with the 'smile thing'. I hear myself telling the kids that just because they make me laugh doesn't save them from the consequences... at least once a day.
And the 'loud thing'? At her age? As long as it's not a tantrum I wouldn't worry about it. Kids ARE loud.
For what it's worth, I think you seem like a great mom :)
I don't know, Tiff. I really wish you would open up a little more and share your true feelings with us. ha ha First of all, you are coming here so you do not have to be alone until Jason gets home. Dad will help you with this problem the same way he helped me. By his example, I learned that children will obey and that they are much more fun to be with when they do. I was very tenderhearted towards Kim when she was a baby, and I was afraid to discipline her because I thought she wouldn't like me anymore, but Dad showed me that is simply not true. Kim is absolutely right. You have qualities that we all envy, and your kids will think you are a blast. The best part is you are not afraid to admit you have areas of weakness and seek help. Emma has two loud parents. She is going to be loud, but like Dana said, she can learn that tantrums are not okay. Hang in there. I pray for you all of the time. Mom
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