Something has just been different

Earlier I posted about Emma's morning. I said it was not really any different than any other morning and it wasn't in the fact that Emma is always doing something silly and spontaneous. (I wonder where she gets that from?) But, it was different in so many ways. I woke up happier than usual and more energetic. It was weird because I had a headache which normally really puts me in the slumps. It was 1400 (2PM) when I thought it was 1100. (Weird thing #1) I did not eat anything except for crackers in the morning with my water. (Weird thing #2) I was extremely energetic all day. (Weird thing #3) In fact, it is after 0300 now and I have not slept. (Weird thing #4) We ordered pizza tonight for dinner which had been on my mind. (Not so weird) I had to go take care of some dogs. The whole family went. When we came back from doing the dogs, Jason was tired. He had watch so I suggested he go to bed. I'm trying to get together a huge garage sale for this weekend so I stayed up. (Relatively normal) I let Emma stay up too.(More weird than normal) She thought she was so cool. I left her watching a movie while I tucked Jason in. When I came back she told me I could go back and sleep with Dad.(Predictable) I wondered what she would do if we ever just left her on her own one night with out putting her to bed. I'm sure she would eventually just end up in our bed.(Random thought)

The guinea pigs cages were severely over due on a cage cleaning so nearing 1030 PM I started cleaning them out.(Weird thing #5) I couldn't help but notice the bunny just sitting still in his cage. I jiggled his cage and still he seemed lifeless.(Weird thing #6) I was afraid to touch him. Too often in my years I've reached to snuggle with a bunny only to find a cold, firm body instead. So, as horrible as I felt, I woke Jason to inspect the situation. (Bad decision) Of course, the bunny was just fine and I felt even more horrible for having woken Jason up. (Embarrassing) Thirty minutes later Jason had to go to watch. I didn't stay up too much later. I got in bed and watched some instant play. My body was not feeling tired at all and I honestly did not want to go to sleep. (Weird thing #7) It was like a mixture of being really excited for something going on the next day and not being able to sleep; and, yet also fearful that something was going to go wrong and I couldn't let myself fall asleep.

Emma had decided she wanted to sleep with the bunny. (Weird, but not surprised) She had to sleep in her room tonight since Jason had watch. I thought, "What harm could come from it? She would probably sleep with out night mares and worse case scenario she would get peed on." She went to bed with out a single fuss(Weird thing #8) and was just happy as a clam when I told her she could keep the bunny. Around 0230 I thought I might as well go out and walk on the treadmill.(Weird thing #9) Jason would be home soon. As I was getting up Emma suddenly started crying out, "Where's the bunny?"(not what I was expecting) He had hopped down while she was asleep. I put him back in the bed and explained while he might jump down onto the rug he wouldn't leave her room. She seemed satisfied with that answer, hugged him close to her and laid back down. God has really blessed us with the most patient rabbit EVER! Earlier when I thought he had been dead I held him in my arms like a baby, on his back, for several minutes and he just laid there content. Didn't try to get away and closed his eyes as if he was really enjoying the attention. It is a sad thought for me to not have him when we move into our camper (as we are pretty serious about doing).

Anyway, (it's late, and I know I'm rambling....sorry) I got up to walk. I walked for 20 minutes which is how long it should have taken Jason to get home. But he never came home.(Not weird if you keep reading) My mind wondered as I thought the worse. But I shook away the feelings. Admiral and I stood outside for a while trying to decipher what kind of animal was making this weird barking noise.(Weird thing #10) It couldn't have been a dog. If it was a dog, that is the weirdest bark I've ever heard. My best guess was some kind of raccoon or bird. But do raccoons bark? I suppose I should know the answer to that.

I felt hungry so I came in and had some Kix that the Craigs had just given us earlier that night. They were good. It was like my dinner since dinner was like my lunch. I'm actually still hungry, though. Cereal never did fill me up very good. Except grain nuts. They are filling. (Rambling again. Now you all know what it's like to be my diary ha ha)

It is almost 40 after 3 now and Jason still isn't home. It just dawned on me that his watch actually probably went until 4.(Duh) That would make more sense having a 4 hour watch instead of a 3 hour watch. I'm starting to think I really should go to sleep.(ha ha) But, then, in a few minutes Jason would come home and I would wake up again. So, I might as well just stick it out until he does get home.

I don't know. Today was just a weird day for me. Ten weird things in fact. Jason is home now. He laughed at my ridiculous evening. I still don't feel like sleeping but suppose I must.

(DNP: Did not Proofread)

Emma's day so far

Emma has been sleeping at the foot of our bed on her mattress because it keeps her from having nightmares. This morning I was blessed to wake up two hours later than usual to Emma singing away. I tried to act like I was asleep because I wanted to just enjoy her song. But Emma pokes her little head up from time to time to see if I'm awake. She saw my eyes were open and she got the biggest glowing smile on her face and said "Oh momma! You woke up." She's so sweet to patiently let me sleep. I thank Jason for teaching her to respect mommy's sleep. Then, as she always does, she asked "Where's Dad?" I told her he was at work as I do every morning and then Emma started playing her little game that she likes to play. She said, "He's on the couch." I laugh and say, "No, he's at work." She says, "Daddy's in the bed." I laugh and tickle her and say "No, silly, he's at work." She says "Daddy's at the counter." Then I tickle tickle tickle and give her a hug and say "Daddy's at work." The tickle, tickle, hug seems to be the end of her game.

I was further surprised when I wanted to get up and get around and Emma said, "Don't get up." Usually I try to lay around in bed and Emma is egging me to get up. She bring me my clothes and tries to pull me out of bed. I was thankful she wanted to let me rest, but I needed to get up and take care of my headache.

Emma and I went into the bathroom where I did my morning routine (which this morning mainly just consisted of putting my contacts in). My headache was worse and I was waiting for a phone call from my mother-in-law so I decided (since I had Emma's permission) I would just get back in bed. As I lay waiting there for my phone call, I watched Emma through a mirror that viewed the bathroom. She was putting her finger on my contact case and then touching her eye lid (as if to put on her contacts). She did that to both eyes. Then she started filling the case with water, dumping it out, and filling it again. She then realized the case was very similar to a small cup and she decided to start drinking water from the contact case. This really tickled her as a really fun activity so she filled up the case and brought it out to ask me if I wanted some. I said "No, thank you." She said "No?" I said, "No, thank you." She said, "Ok." And set the case down on the bedside table. Then she stepped back looked at it and said, "Oh" and then picked it up and moved it to the coaster. (YES! My training is paying off!)

Karen called so I got up to pace the house as I always do. Emma followed me with her contact case drinking and playing around with the water. Then she got the bright idea that she wanted to put juice in it. I told her to wait until I was off the phone. So she put the case down and started eating chips. She took a handful of chips and then told me she was done with the chips. So, while still talking on the phone, I rolled up the bag, put a clip on it and put them away. As soon as Emma was done eating her handful she said, "More chips?" I whispered "I thought you were done eating chips?" She said, "More chips." So I got them back out and set them on the table. She took another handful and said, "Done with chips." I just rolled my eyes and whispered back "If you want more then they'll be there, if you don't want more you don't have to have any." She was satisfied with that answer.

I was pacing the living room talking with Karen about our camper living idea. Emma suddenly rushed up to me very concerned. "Mowgli threw up. Mowgli threw up." I told her it was ok and that I would clean it up in a minute. But, as I went back to my phone conversation Emma couldn't get over the throw up. She kept running past it and talking about how it was there. (Too much Mr. Monk, I think for her) Then she leaned on the couch and lifted her foot and asked me to clean the throw up off her foot. I just laughed and said, "Emma, if you don't want it to get on your foot, then don't run on top of it. I'm talking to Nana, I'll clean it in a minute." She ran around on the side of her foot for the rest of my conversation. As soon as I hung up she ran back to the couch, lifted her foot and said, "Clean throw up?" (I wonder if Karen had any idea all this was going on as we talked.)

I cleaned everything up. Then as Emma's memory served, she remembered I had promised to fill the contact case with juice. I had hoped she had forgotten but it was the first thing she asked after cleaning up the throw up. I filled it with juice and then proceeded to take care of my head ache. Emma wanted a fruit snack only because she happened to see them in the drawer when I grabbed for the crackers. So, I gave her a packet. She climbed up on the counter to eat them (as she usually does) I got my fiber water prepared. Emma helped me stir my fiber and of course ate some of my crackers. I turned around to get my medicine and when I came back she was dipping her cracker in my water. I got her a cup of her own for dipping. She watched me take my pills and mimicked my nasty face I made. Then asked "Was the medicine good?" I said, yes because she was smiling but really I hate taking pills. I gave her one of her gummy vitamins which she calls her medicine. Then she proceeded to continue dipping crackers in her water.

This mornings activities are really not too different from any other day, but Emma just seemed so cute and grown up today I really wanted to record it. So I went to get the computer. No sooner had I sat down and logged in, Emma started complaining about having spilled something. I didn't jump up right away. I figured it was just a couple drips. But she wouldn't stop talking about it so I looked up and sure enough she had completely dumped her entire cup of cracker water all over the counter and was dancing in the puddle making it splash. I went over to clean it up. Emma tried to help by using her fruit snack packet as a wipe. I put some paper towels over the water and I said, "Emma, could you try not making a mess at least one time a day?" She didn't have a response. She stepped on the paper towels to try and dry her feet. It was not productive AT all. I picked her up, dried her feet on a towel, took her wet diaper off, and told her to go get some panties. (She's been doing extremely well with potty training.)

I sat down to begin writing this post to tell you of these amazing Emma Accomplishments. Emma came running back, happy as could be, holding up the bottoms to her swimsuit and said, "I got these." I just laughed and said, "Ok, sure." Then she took Admiral back to the room to play.

Now I'm finally done writing this post.

Emma's Cheese Sandwich

If there is a blessing in being depressed

One thing I've noticed about depression is that on a good day, the littlest things can make me happy. This morning I couldn't help feeling so proud that I vacuumed two rooms. I dressed in jeans and a nice shirt unlike my usual sweat pants and grundgy look. I'm looking forward to training Henry this morning. He's learning so quickly. And, I found a new take on my screenplay that makes it play out a lot better than before. I'm excited to keep working on it. It's a great hobby for me. I don't have a lot of energy today. I probably won't get a whole lot done. I'll probably do a lot of laundry since that entails sitting on the couch watching Monk while I fold clothes. But these small accomplishments today are enough to encourage me. Last couple days I have been feeling a lot more down than usual. I don't even know why. So, when I woke up and felt like vacuuming today it made me very happy.

Something my Grandpa taught me

I'm writing this post sitting on the rug in Emma's room. She is sitting next to me reading a book. Admiral is literally laying on my feet as he can never be close enough. Amadeus is hoping around chewing on Emma's blocks. Emma doesn't seem bothered. I'm having the most fun I've had in the last couple days with my little Tyke and two of my favorite pets and we are only on an 8X10 space. The only thing that would make this moment better is if on the bed next to me laid my two cats and somewhere Jason was sitting. It would also be fun if even the chinchilla was running around or at least in his cage next to us. This is my family. It doesn't matter what we are doing as long as we are all together.

About a month or two ago Jason and I joked around about selling all and living in our tent on a campground somewhere to save money. That led to the conversation of how it would be great to be a single 1st class in the Navy. You could buy a camper and just live out of it and the Navy would still give you Basic Allowance for Housing which would cover the monthly cost of the camper and then some.

Two days ago Jason shared the camper idea with a 1st class in his division. The guy loved the idea and by lunch he was searching for a camper to buy. Jason came home and told me what had happened. The next day I couldn't help but think of all the advantages living in a camper could bring even our family. This morning sitting on this rug and enjoying life made me think it really could be a reality. Admiral is a huge dog, but his breed is actually PERFECT for small space living. Great Danes lay around most of the day and hardly need any exercise. We searched campers just for fun last night and found one with a garage on the back meant for a motorcycle or 4-wheeler. But, I thought it would be the perfect place for our other animals. Seeing that there was something out there that would work for our entire family, animals and all, I suggested to Jason that we live in a camper. We could save a boat load of money on monthly bills, Veterans (which I am) can stay at state parks for free, and at any given moment we could get bored with where we are at and move. If I'm missing my mommy we drive to Arizona. If Jason's feeling homesick, we drive out east. People can visit us if they want to go camping and I don't know any of my family members who wouldn't want to go camping. I could have sold all and bought the camper last night. Now, that's the first part of this story.

Second, and much shorter is that as a dog trainer, I have been craving a small dog of my own that can be my constant buddy. One that isn't gigantic so I can take him in the car with me when I go to my training jobs. We went and looked at a border collie last night for possible purchase for this reason. I liked the dog well enough. I had wanted a border collie when I was thinking about breeds I would enjoy. The people were asking somewhat of a high price, but still affordable. If I had brought cash I could have taken him right then and there. (End of 2nd half of story)

Now for the moral. When I was living with my grandparents a few years back I remember my Grandpa telling me that he always slept on an idea. If in the morning he still felt good about it then he would follow through. Really important decisions sometimes needed more nights to sleep on it. I was a young adult with my own ideas at the time that he told me so I didn't understand how helpful of an idea it was until I was older and more mature. I've been trying to incorporate his advice in my daily decisions ever since I spontaneously bought a car that was WAY to expensive.

So, last night after Jason and I stayed up late talking about what we wanted out of life, I slept on the two decisions of selling all and buying a camper and getting another companion dog.

This morning I was thoroughly surprised when I woke up wanting to start right away with a garage sale and feeling less comfortable with getting the dog. I couldn't help but think of what my Grandpa taught me. Is it really a good idea to give up everything and live the camper life for the next 5-6 years? Could we really handle it? I currently have no doubts other than I'm not sure where I will take a shower. (Do they come with campers?) The only other doubt I have is which kind of camper we would get. If we get a pull behind we would have to sell the car and get a truck. If we got the kind of camper that drives itself we could keep the car. I can also comfortably say that I don't think I should get the companion dog right now. I woke up with doubts and I need to trust that. I feel like if we are meant to get the camper than we definitely can't get another dog. So either God is leading us down a certain path guiding me by my gut, or I'm just more keen on the idea of a camper right now.

I have to honestly say, as lovely as our house is, I hate living here. It's been nothing but bad experiences emotionally in this house. It is not the sanctuary I was hoping for. Six months later I still feel like I'm living in someone else's home. I suppose the thought of leaving this house is enough to make even a camper sound appealing. But whatever the reason I woke up feeling great about the camper idea, all I know is I did feel comfortable with it and so I will continue looking into the idea.

Pre-Pre School

Well, after a fun fill last couple months of lovely visitors, Emma and I buckled down and started what I like to call "pre-pre school." I feel extra special as mothers all around me are talking about how heart broken they are that their little ones were being sent off to their first day of school and I get to stay home with mine while still having all the feelings of starting school.

I knew having a strict routine would really help me feel better with the "blues" I've been feeling and my lack of energy. So, early on I made a school chart for Emma and I to follow. The chart includes reading a story, letters and sounds, animal sounds, ABC's, shapes, activity, dot to dot, counting, read or watch something educational, vowels, Bible time, music and science. The last memories I had of myself being in school as a young kid were starting school at 0900, working until 1200, lunch break, back to school at 1:15 and I was done when my work assignments were complete for the day. I really thought Emma's schedule would go basically the same.

I was very energetic and enthusiastic Monday morning of our first day of school. I felt prepared. My chart was hung on the wall, stickers were organized in my roll away table with easy access to Emma's little fingers. School subjects were placed in separate organized piles and placed neatly in a tub on top of the roll away table. Educational kids books were in the drawers of the table that Emma could get to when it was time. I rolled the table up to the bar and Emma and I sat down for our first subject: Read a story.

I decided we could read through Aesop's fables because they teach good morals. But the book did not have pictures and I think Emma was too young to care why the dog wasn't letting the ox eat it's hay. I tried not to get discouraged as the first subject was not going over well. I decided to move onto a different subject and the next story would have pictures and be more interesting for her. Next was letter and sounds. This was better because I already had flash cards that Kim had sent me. And, boy, were they helpful! We did letters A-E. I felt like Emma cared more about the picture on the flash card than what sound the letter was making but I tried not to let that discourage me either. I knew from previous experiences that Emma listens even when you think she's not and especially when you wish she wasn't (ha ha) so I knew what I was saying was sinking in somewhere to be used at a later time when her brain thought it was necessary.

Emma was starting to get antsy so I decided it was time to move on to animal sounds. Mom had given us some "sounds animals make" flash cards so that was very helpful and fun for Emma. We were only 3 subjects in and Emma was having fun but she was not acting like she wanted to do anymore. I could tell she wanted to get down. I tried to get her settled down for her ABC's, but I was starting to get stressed from her wanting to play and goof off rather than listen to what I was saying. I finally realized I could not expect her to sit down for several hours. I asked her if she wanted to take a break. She said no, but after I explained what taking a break meant she said yes.

She helped me make dinner which I felt was just as educational. After preparing dinner Emma wanted to put more stickers on her chart. She gets to put a sticker next to each subject that she completes. I told her she had to do more school before she could have more stickers. So, that encouraged her to sit back down for 30 more minutes. We worked on shapes, counting and reading an educational book. We read about what to do when you're scared of the dark. Emma loves completing a subject and getting star stickers, courtesy of Jammy, for her completion.

The next day I woke with a head ache so school did not go according to plan at all. I had to understand that I can not always stay on schedule. I'm mostly excited because Emma loves learning at this age. I'm also excited to learn with her. Of course, I already know these easy subjects but as she gets into the harder stuff it will be fun for me to learn again with her.