There's a lot going on in the month of July

Emma and I just got back from our two week vacation to Pennsylvania. We were very entertained while we were there. Went to an amusement park, the beach, the board walk, Jason's Pappy's house in Maryland, Jason's Dad's house out in the woods, the "ice cream park" (as Emma calls it) which is really a tasty freeze with a kids play area, and other wise just hung out with Nana and Jeff. Nana had a kiddie pool for Emma to play in, I got a few runs in during the cool of the evening, and we saw some relatives we hadn't seen in a while. It was fun, but it's good to be back in Tucson. There is so much going on here. I often felt, while I was away, that I was missing out on all the wedding planning. But, I'm here now and there is PLENTY to do. Between starting a new, strict weight loss program of running 3 miles morning and night and eating 1200 calories a day, putting together the bridal shower with mom, putting together the bachlorette party with the girls, organizing the wedding budget, planning Jason's home coming, and of course playing scrabble; Emma and I are going to be busy bees the rest of this summer.
As I sit here and ponder all that I have going on and delving pretty deeply in the lives and activities of those around me, I find it hard not to think back on my own past experiences. Past weddings, past home comings, past vacations. Life has not always been a bed of roses and it would be easy to let bitterness take it's place in my heart again, a home it's felt so safe at for many, many years. But, life does go on and I try very hard not to dwell in the past. Instead, I'm trying to make sure my family's future is better.
I am determined to nip Emma's discipline in the bud before Jason gets back. I have to become more consistent and Emma needs less distraction while she's learning new life lessons.I've gotten pretty behind on the pre-preschool that I had hoped to do with her when she turned 2. I was hoping Emma would be a wealth of knowledge by now and while I wish I had worked harder with her, I am proud to say she knows quite a number of letters from the alphabet, holds a pencil correctly, and is learning how to draw letters and spell words. I jest, of course, about her being a wealth of knowledge at this age. However, I do expect her to know her alphabet by the age of 4 and she really should be able to count to 10 by now. This falls on me and I have neglected her educational upbringing while concentrating a lot on spiritual and social which is important as well. It will be nice when the other parents of the home is here so I don't have to do all this on my own.
My mind spirals as I think about all that July will hold. I'm anxious to find out when Jason's going to officially coming home. I'm nervous about moving back to Washington as I've been doing so well here with my depression and involvement in the church. At this point, I think it's important to just take one day at a time. Though, I have to give my mom the credit for that thought because it is she who will tell me that often times when I'm stressing about things that are too far in the future to worry about.

Rather fond of my daughter

Disclosure: I'm writing this on my phone so i appologise for any obvious mistakes.)It all started when Emma found a bug on her perfectly comfortable mattress, bought especially for her visit at my parents house. She refused to sleep on the mattress that lays on the floor next to my bed. For several nights, Emma slept on the floor just off her mattress or half on, half Off her mattress. I guess she eventually found that uncomfortable and she began getting up in the middle of the night and squeezing in on the twin sized bed that I slept on. Most nights I tried to fight it. I would tell her to get back into her bed which resulted in a lot of crying and soothing. I tried a few methods to make the nights easier for her, including rearranging the whole room so her mattress could be right next to mine and we could hold hands at night. (I did this at midnight, moving quite heavy furniture all by my self.) But, alas, after a week or so of this, Emma continued to crawl in my bed at night and I was fighting it less and less. (Mainly because often times I had been sleepin so deeply I didn't notice until morning.) Recently, Emma and I randomly decided to visit Jason's family in PA for a couple weeks. The first night of our vacation Emma and I shared a queen bed. That is, after Emma bed hopped between Karen's bed and mine for quite a while, she finally decided to stay with me. Later, at Karen's house we shared a full sized bed and another queen when at Jason's dad's house. Though out these vacation nights Emma was more and more clingy at night. Half the time she insisted on sleeping right on top of me. If I was playing around on my phone, she had to be watching. Strangely, I found it wasn't bothering me. At times I would tell her to stop wallowing on me but when I was turning over to go to sleep I got used to having my arm around her. In fact, her preciously angelic sleeping body next to mine comforted me quite a bit as most of my nights lately were spent lying awake sometimes until after four am. The morning. I watched Emma sleep, her funny positions, the conversations she had with someone in her dreams, how often she turned over or re-adjusted her pillow. (I couldn't help but notice how similar her sleeping patterns are to Jason's.) We were most recently in a king sized bed while visiting Jason's Grnadpa, Pappy. You would think two people would have plenty of room on a king mattress bed. But, not with my toddler. I lay there trying to sleep and all of a sudden WHAP! Right accross my face goes Emma's little arm. I kindly fold it back over her chest and relax again after the startle. WHAP! Not two seconds later. I was startled again, moving her arm and FOUR more times she whapped me. She was extremely unconsciously insistent that her arm lay exactly on my face. So I did the logical thing and scooter her over to the far side of the bed. The next night she got revenge by sleeping completely perpendicular to me all night. On a king size bed I still had her feet in my ribs. (and I wonder why I don't sleep at night.) However, it never fails. Each night no matter whether I've been whapped or stabbed or sleep talked too, I roll over each night, put my arm around her and dread having to change our style. Tonight, Emma wanted to sleep with Nana. I honestly missed her and was feeling really lonely when an hour later she came waltzing back in stating that Nana was asleep. She got back in bed and much like a grown adult relayed how the rest of her night was going to play out. I currently lay on the edge of the bed while Emma sleeps comfortably in the middle. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

They keep saying I'm normal

Rough ride these last few months. Jason is on deployment. Emma and I are waiting it out with family in Arizona. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I'm really depressed or not. Take my medicine some weeks, other weeks I don't. I've had the worse lack of patience with Emma, making me feel like a horrible mother. I can't help but compare myself to the successful mothers all around me: my own mom, who raised 5 kids with seeming ease, and my older sister, who's in the process of raising 5 kids and always with a good attitude. I'm often feeling doubtful, mental, and very very distressed because I have ONE child and can barely make it through the day. Doctors, friends, some family, and support groups say to embrace the medicine, it's ok to deal with depression. But there's a part of me deep, deep with in that can not grasp that concept. I can't help but think that's not who I am. I wasn't raised to give up and give in to my feelings. After several weeks of struggling with this, I'm often told that what I go through on a daily basis is really no different than any other mother, but somehow I still feel like one of a kind.
I was very thankful to be able to go to New Mexico to visit my Grandmother Anderson, Uncle Mark, Cousin April, Nick and Lynsey. I wanted to make sure I had a really good time there so I took my medicine on Tuesday (the day we left). We had dinner with the gang Tuesday night. I was a little nervous to have dinner with Lynsey. We were pretty close friends last time I lived in New Mexico and I hadn't spoken to her in years. But, she hadn't changed a bit and I really enjoyed my time with her. I was reminded of how fun she is and hope to stay in better touch with her.
Most importantly, I was ecstatic to be spending quality time with my Grandma. We were there because she was going to be having open heart surgery on Wednesday. Grandma never changes. I still imagine her as the 50 year old Grandma we left in Idaho many years ago. She's just as bubbly, happy, ornery, lovely, and funny as she always was. For as long as I can remember, I was told I was just like my Grandma Anderson. I'm loud like her, I'm built like her, I have a lot of the same ideas and thoughts as she did. We have most of the same mannerisms. As I watched her and spent time with her Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning before her surgery I felt really silly for the way I had been treating my depression. I have to remember that for an Anderson, I'm normal. I don't have a problem. (Said in the voice and tone of David) I'm an Anderson. My kid drives me crazy, so I yell. It's what I do. It's what I'll always do. Emma will grow up to hopefully be just like me because being like me is being like my Grandma and being like my Grandma is the best earthly person you could be like.
On the way home last night it dawned on me that in the craziness of the last few days I had forgotten to take my medicine the entire time I was in New Mexico. Thinking back I realized I had been patient with Emma, I wasn't exhausted all the time, I was happy and care free. I just had a great time. Depression didn't cross my mind one time.
I learned several things from this trip. One: I'm not depressed, I'm bored. As soon as I was able, I've always had a job and often times more than one. When I left the Navy to raise Emma my life suddenly because very mundane and "boring" (if I may use that word to describe raising Emma). I relish in the time I get to train dogs, but it's not a steady entertainment. My business is small and it's hard to find people willing to pay for dog training these days. I would love to go back to work or back to school, but those things just aren't in my cards right now. My focus at this point needs to be finding daily activities with Emma or other personal projects that will keep me entertained through out my days.
Two: Emma doesn't bug me near as much when she has someone to play with. It's time she had a sibling. There are those who might say I'm not ready for another kid, and yes, the first year might be tough as the new child grows and I have to have ANOTHER kid in diapers (no, Emma's still not potty trained). But, Emma is extremely helpful around the house and already shows signs of being a great big sister. I think if she just had someone to help entertain her through out the day I could be more sane. Until that time, though I will be getting her another pet. Jason and I want to get a couple dogs, anyway, and Emma really loves playing with dogs. Shelby, my parents dog, keeps her entertained for hours.
Three: It's important for me to remember who I am and where I came from. I need to make sure I'm not falling into the liberal, feel-good trap the society likes to drag you into. I need to stop seeking doctors about my "mental" problems. They just don't help. They give me medicine and tell me to find a support group and that it's ok to feel depressed sometimes. But the fact of the matter is, it's not ok. I do not and will not believe it. If my Grandma can raise 3 rowdy boys and a daughter with out depression looming over her and if my mom can raise 5 kids with out depression looming over her, then I can raise one. I just need to stay focused and remember to lean on God for support and not some other group of people who really have no idea what I'm going through or feeling at all.
And lastly: I love my family. I really want to just concentrate on spending quality time with my family. I want to spend more holidays with my family instead of always feeling like we have to go on this big vacation and visit a bunch of people. I want to spend more vacations seeing the family I miss the most and not worrying so much about whose turn it is. The Lee family can only be spread out so far and we need to make sure our immediate family is strong first. If there's anything I want to succeed in, it's having a good relationship with Emma. If I can just gain her trust the older she gets, then hopefully she'll always talk to me and Jason and hopefully we will always be seen as someone who can help her through life's biggest teenage problems. I'm working on a fun surprise for my family which I'll be presenting to them this Christmas. I'm really looking forward to their reaction and putting it into action.

2 days!

Today, it dawned on me that Jason was deploying in TWO days! How could I have lost track of time? How could I have put off all those things I wanted to do with him before he left? I never have any energy. I never feel like doing anything but laying around. Absolute worst time to feel lifeless. I'm not ready for this deployment. It's going to be really hard on me, emotionally; and I'm not going to be handling my loneliness very well.

There's so much to do! We just have not had any time before he leaves! I don't feel like we have made that special "I'm leaving soon" bond that we usually make. Must be because of how busy we've been and we haven't been on a date at all that didn't involve Emma.

Friday morning Jason is going to go to work and not come home and I'm not going to be ready for that.

Born Sinners

How do you know when your child has reached the age of accountability? It's so sad watching my 3 year old plot and execute a deceitful plan. And I would have been non the wiser except the outcome of her plan lacked in perceived obedience.

More than anything I want to teach my daughter about The Christ and I want her to know her Bible. I want her to understand her Bible. I want her to know, at a young age, about God, His Son, and what He did for us. But, there's that part of me (the evil part, I'm sure) that thinks, "What if I don't tell her? Can I hold off on her being accountable?"

When I have to give Emma a punishment for being bad I try to have her fully understand what she's being punished for. I have her say Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." And if I know other verses off the top of my head then I have her say those too. Is it horrible to admit that I almost wish I wasn't teaching her those verses because I know that means she's becoming accountable?

What keeps me going in my goal to teach her about the Bible and God is the fact that I know I am displeasing God by not telling her. But, how fervently I pray that Emma will find God on her own sooner rather than later.

I found God when I was 8, but my entire Christian life was lived with doubt of my salvation and never really living a proper Christian life. I knew everything there was to live a Christian life because I grew up in a great church that taught all the truths of the Bible. But, although I asked The Christ into my heart at a young age, I honestly don't think I fully understood what that even meant.

I fervently pray for Emma that she will not only KNOW about Jesus, but that she UNDERSTANDS Him too.

Dog training

I felt like a kid waiting to be picked up at school, but his ride never comes as I waited on a park bench trying to will cars to turn into the park and come out of their vehicle with a dog. I held a dog training class at a park in Anacortes last Friday and Saturday but only one person showed up. She was a friend and client whom I had already been working with but I appreciated her support. The weather was awful that weekend, too. There was a very cold wind. So, I'm not surprised that it wasn't a good turn out. Jason, as always, is very supportive and started thinking of ways to better advertise. I did not get any hits from the flyers I put out at vet clinics and pet shops. I only got one call from craigslist. I will blame the weather because my class was awesome! Any dog owner would have wanted to go! If the weather is better before I leave Washington I'll try it again at a park in Oak Harbor. And I think I might have better luck in Tucson. I do enjoy dog training so much and my prices are affordable. I wish people wanted more training for their pets. I would do it for free as much as I enjoy doing it.

Update

It's been a trying last few weeks as I figure out what to do with future events that will unfold with in the next month. The family is uneasy as we come into the final days before Jason leaves for a 4 month deployment. Previous deployments have not gone over so well and we are trying very hard to have trust and faith in God for this deployment to run smoothly. I have so many issues that I have to keep under control while Jason is gone and finding the right support group while he's gone was frustrating. There were so many loving, willing people that I didn't know who would be the right one. I prayed for God to lead me to where he wanted me to go and he led me back to my parent's house in Arizona. I'm trusting that God knows what he is doing. There was a part of me that wanted to stay in Washington because I'm loving our new church and my dog training business is actually doing things. But after prayer and much consideration, Jason and I both agreed that Arizona will be the best place for me this deployment. I do very much enjoy going to Arizona and am excited for the trip! My family is making preparations for Emma and I (and hopefully Bagheera) to arrive March 21st. I can't say I'm not nervous. The last couple weeks here in Washington have not made me feel comfortable with Jason leaving. Jason says I've been very indifferent. I've been trying different things to handle my depression and while it is helping me feel more like myself, it does put me in an indifferent state of mind. I think it is better to be melancholy than grouchy. I'm trying to remember and be reminded that my goal is to be courageous and to gain a new, stronger faith in the Lord.

I absolutely LOVE dog training! I have a couple new clients who I'll be working with up until I leave. I'm feeling very confident in my skills. I'm so thankful for my colleges and mentors who have helped me over the last several weeks. Every time I go to observe a class with my mentor, Joy, I'm given a new found joy for dog training and can't wait until I can start up a real business in a building of my own with a steady flow of clients and using all my ideas to make it fun and interesting. I hope that I will be able to keep up a decent amount of work load in Arizona. My family is being very helpful to spread the word.