It's like the day after Thanksgiving

We are out of groceries and the Commissary, where we shop, is closed on Mondays for restocking. So, we got KFC last night even though it wasn't in our budget. :S  This morning I felt like I was serving Emma left overs from Thanksgiving dinner. The way I would cook it anyway. I was still in bed when I heard Emma tell her imaginary friends that she wanted mac and cheese and corn and white and feevy. (Which is to mean potatoes and gravy lol) 

This year we are having Thanksgiving dinner at The Farmhouse again. It's a restaurant kind of like Country Cupboard or Cracker barrel. Jason's getting everything he wants for Thanksgiving and Christmas at Thanksgiving because he'll be deployed over Christmas. That includes a very early Christmas with his mom and, of course, us. Other family members will be and will need to send his gifts by that time as well. He chose the Farmhouse because neither of us want to deal with cooking Thanksgiving dinner in the camper. I might still make my own green bean casserole, though because as I recall, last year theirs wasn't good.

Sleepless nights and a constant uncomfortable pregnant feeling makes for late mornings sleeping in. I've accepted this by now, though at first it was not easy as I'm usually an earlier riser. Last night I went to bed with a headache and an upset stomach. This morning when I got up to make Jason's lunch it had not gone away. I'm so thankful for a very patient daughter who can entertain herself for very long periods of time. 

Last night was so windy. We crack a window during stormy weather because I love listening to it at night. I was starting to fear for my plants and things outside, though. Everything is still in tact this morning. The sun is even starting to come out now, which is the first time in several days. I should take advantage by getting some more paint on the dog house.

Well, we tackled counting yesterday again to no avail. I've decided my daughter is just too smart for simple things like counting. If you show her a picture with a certain number of items on it and ask her how many it is, she answers correctly up to 3 items. But asking her to count individually is near impossible for her to do. I can only liken it to a mathematician who can not solve simple problems with out extravagant equations. I do desire an Einstein child :)

Emma's and my future is very uncertain for the next few months. Jason deploys in early December and time seems to be going way too quickly. I do so much look forward to being in Arizona, but I wish time didn't go so fast. I always feel rushed to do something romantic with him before he goes, but we either don't have the money or a babysitter or something keeps us from "dating." Then he goes and I have no memories to miss. We still have big purchases pending, too so I doubt we'll get to do anything special. It's also up in the air whether we will actually take the RV to Arizona. That has been the plan, but not taking it will save us so much money because we can stay at my mom's house. So we've started thinking about that option again. My holidays are all going to be messed up too. But, thankfully, my mom has the same traditions as me and I will really look forward to being in Arizona for Christmas for the first time. I can't believe I've never been there for the holidays. 

I have two pots with half cooked things in them sitting on the stove because I didn't realize I didn't have the ingredients to finish them. We got a few things last night from safeway so I need to finish making that stuff. I'm also going to try and make "rice" crispy treats with some other types of cereal because I have a bunch that isn't getting eaten. 

Three Year Olds....So Silly

I love this age for Emma. Was thankful to be over the baby stage, two was fun watching her grow, but three is hilarious. Emma has so many funny things to say all the time. It's so silly how her mind works. She is so smart. Will outsmart Jason and I for sure if we aren't on our toes. Sometimes her smarts don't out weigh reality, though.
The other day she wanted me to do something and was telling me in a bossy manner. She said, "You have to listen to me because I'm a mom and your a child." I've been teaching her Ephesians 6:1. She's always trying to find ways to make me the child so I have to listen. She had also recently been playing like she was the mom of her dolls. So I said, "You may be the mom of your dolls, but your not my mom. You are my child. Jammy is my mom."
A couple days later Emma wanted me to do something else. She said, "You have to do it because I'm Jammy."

Emma takes after Jason with her memory of movies. After a few watches she can quote a movie almost to a tee. Lately she's been watching the Land Before Time. (Don't worry, she gets a lecture about creation vs. evolution before she watches it.) Sometimes she plays her own imaginary games with the movie characters.
We were all laying on the bed, bored as usually, playing games on our phones. Jason had his feet propped on the dresser from the bed making a leg-bridge that Emma decided to play on. She played around his legs for a while calling to her Land Before Time friends. Then, she got up on Jason's legs and looked down to the ground and shouted to some imaginary adversary "You don't come up here unless you want to fight, or something....You Grandma!" LOL Oh, Jason and I couldn't stop laughing.

That same day she and Jason were playing around. Jason would tell her to "Look at that," pointing at nothing. When she looked he would tickle her. She was really having fun with it, but learning quickly. She wanted to get him. So, she pointed and said, "What's that?" Jason looked, but when he looked back Emma was nowhere to be seen. In her excitement she had rolled herself backwards off the bed. We only knew from the faint cries below. Well, I knew. I was watching it all, but unfortunately I'm one to laugh when you fall so I wasn't being very helpful. Jason played caring daddy and Emma soaked it up. She fake cries as long as she can when she's been coddled.

Emma doesn't miss anything. Last night Jason wanted to poke me on my belly with my jump drive. And for some reason I had this fear like I was going to get shocked or something. So I was freaking out and trying to get away. Finally, he talked me into letting him do it, but as soon as he touched me with it, I screamed just in case. ha ha
Well, this morning Emma found the jump drive and said, "Can I touch you with this? It's not going to hurt you." I said, "No." She said, "It's really not going to burn you or scare you." lol She's such a silly kid. She's a really great care-giver and comforter. Lately, I've been crying a lot for no particular reason. She always comes up and gives me a hug and says, "Don't worry, Mom. The dinosaurs are not going to get you."

Emma comes in my room in the morning and goes through my side cubbie, playing with all my stuff. So, this morning when I was ready to get up she was holding her hand like she had something in it. I said, "Put that away." She looked at me weird and I said, "What is it?" She opened her hand and said, "A booger." LOL At least she doesn't wipe it on the walls.

I got up later than usual this morning, although I have been lazily sleeping in most mornings much later than I should. But, at least this morning I have an excuse for sleeping in. Last night, I probably only got a couple hours of REM sleep.
Jason was so tired, he feel asleep almost instantly when we went to bed around 10. He then proceeded to snore loud enough to be annoying. He hardly ever snores so I was really surprised. But, I was playing games on my phone waiting til I could fall asleep, so I let it go for a while. After a while, it was just ridiculous, though. I gave him a shove and it seemed to help.....for a couple seconds. For the next half hour or so I kept shoving him, trying to get him to roll over. When he sleeps, he really sleeps. (He's slept through an earthquake before, literally.)
I finally got him to stop snoring and after finding a comfortable sleeping position of my own, I fall asleep, fighting for my covers while Jason rolls around. It's not too much longer when an orange fuzzy thing decides to sleep on my head. (This happens quite often.) The problem with me is once I'm awakened out of my sleep, I'm pretty much awake again for another hour. So, I laid there half asleep with a cat-hat. Moments later, another cat decides my arm is a comfortable bed. I fall asleep again, eventually and the next thing I know, I'm cat-less and I have this strange feeling that they are getting into something. Most nights I'm awakened by some type of bang or crash from them running around knocking stuff over. Tonight, there is not so much a noise as much as the occasional scuttle from spot to spot.
Two nights ago, Bagheera learned how to knock the mouse cage off the shelf. So, we are keeping the mice on ground level now. (That was a huge, ridiculous mess!) And that's when I realized and my heart dropped. I jumped up, thinking of ways to tell Emma her mice had been eaten by the cats.
I found Bagheera stalking the corner of the camper under the fire extinguisher so I knew I had found a mouse, hopefully alive. Fortunately, my cats don't eat mice. They just like to chase them around. Scout was sitting scared as a....mouse under the extinguisher. I pushed the cats out of the way and put my blanket up in front of him. He immediately ran right into it.
I took him back to the cage. One of their tubes had been knocked off, I assume by the cats. My heart sank again thinking, "Oh, great. McSqueezy is somewhere running around, chewing on wires." I put Scout away and there was McSqueezy just sleeping away in the comfort of his own bed. He probably didn't even know he could escape. He's a couple months younger than Scout and Scout is Alpha so maybe Scout made him stay. ha ha I don't know. But I was glad he wasn't running around. The mice went in the bathroom and I went back to bed to lay awake til Jason's alarm went off. I get the best sleep after he goes to work.
The funniest part is when Jason comes home, I'm going to tell him the story and he's not going to know any of it happened. Half the time he doesn't believe my late-at-night stories especially the ones about him snoring and talking in his sleep lol. And he wonders why I'm so tired during the day.

Well, Emma's waiting to do some painting. We're painting some stuff for her schooling as well as the dog kennel. And we can't do that til we start laundry. So I better get at it.

New Baby

We have had a whirlwind of activities the last few months. Jason transferred to my old command which means he is deploying more frequently, but for shorter amounts of time. Emma and I have been going to Arizona while he is deployed to spend time with the family. We got involved in the church there and both fell in love with the Pastor, his wife and the church family.

Currently, however we are back in Washington. I, personally, am waiting patiently and excitedly for when we can go back to Arizona. This next trip will take place the beginning of December. We traded in Veronica, the Camaro, for a big blue 3500 dodge pick up truck. So, the prospect of taking the RV down with us to Arizona this time is exciting. I won't have to give up on any of my animals or pack for another move. I hate it when Jason misses out on great memories with the family, but I am excited that I will be spending Christmas with my side of the family. It seems like it's been a long time since we have done that.

The biggest thing that has happened recently, however, is that we have a new addition to the family. I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. This is the main reason I decided to post a blog after all this time, because Emma has been saying a lot of funny things in regards to the new baby.

This morning, for example, she came in and laid down patiently next to me in the bed. I have been sleeping in pretty late most days. She is good about playing in her room or being quiet while she waits for me to get up and feed her. I'm greatly appreciative for her patience. When I did turn over towards her she was very talkative. That's another thing about Emma, she can hold a really nice conversation. She asked if Grandpa was coming in his grey car (which is actually Grandma's car). She talked about how dad was at work and then she talked about this dream she had a few days back. Emma dreamed that a baby girl was hiding in the closet. She seemed afraid of the dream the night she had it. I told her she was probably playing hide and seek with the baby. That seemed to satisfy her. The next day she told the nurse at my appointment about her dream which made me realize that she was still being affected by it. I told her that the baby might be her future baby sister. Ever since I told her that she's been talking about the baby in her dream as her baby sister. This morning she told me she wanted to share her toys with the new baby. She asked, "Would that be nice if I shared my toys with the baby?"
She's going to be a great big sister, I think. She seems to think about it a lot and seems excited.

Proof of Emma's crazy sleeping habits

There's a lot going on in the month of July

Emma and I just got back from our two week vacation to Pennsylvania. We were very entertained while we were there. Went to an amusement park, the beach, the board walk, Jason's Pappy's house in Maryland, Jason's Dad's house out in the woods, the "ice cream park" (as Emma calls it) which is really a tasty freeze with a kids play area, and other wise just hung out with Nana and Jeff. Nana had a kiddie pool for Emma to play in, I got a few runs in during the cool of the evening, and we saw some relatives we hadn't seen in a while. It was fun, but it's good to be back in Tucson. There is so much going on here. I often felt, while I was away, that I was missing out on all the wedding planning. But, I'm here now and there is PLENTY to do. Between starting a new, strict weight loss program of running 3 miles morning and night and eating 1200 calories a day, putting together the bridal shower with mom, putting together the bachlorette party with the girls, organizing the wedding budget, planning Jason's home coming, and of course playing scrabble; Emma and I are going to be busy bees the rest of this summer.
As I sit here and ponder all that I have going on and delving pretty deeply in the lives and activities of those around me, I find it hard not to think back on my own past experiences. Past weddings, past home comings, past vacations. Life has not always been a bed of roses and it would be easy to let bitterness take it's place in my heart again, a home it's felt so safe at for many, many years. But, life does go on and I try very hard not to dwell in the past. Instead, I'm trying to make sure my family's future is better.
I am determined to nip Emma's discipline in the bud before Jason gets back. I have to become more consistent and Emma needs less distraction while she's learning new life lessons.I've gotten pretty behind on the pre-preschool that I had hoped to do with her when she turned 2. I was hoping Emma would be a wealth of knowledge by now and while I wish I had worked harder with her, I am proud to say she knows quite a number of letters from the alphabet, holds a pencil correctly, and is learning how to draw letters and spell words. I jest, of course, about her being a wealth of knowledge at this age. However, I do expect her to know her alphabet by the age of 4 and she really should be able to count to 10 by now. This falls on me and I have neglected her educational upbringing while concentrating a lot on spiritual and social which is important as well. It will be nice when the other parents of the home is here so I don't have to do all this on my own.
My mind spirals as I think about all that July will hold. I'm anxious to find out when Jason's going to officially coming home. I'm nervous about moving back to Washington as I've been doing so well here with my depression and involvement in the church. At this point, I think it's important to just take one day at a time. Though, I have to give my mom the credit for that thought because it is she who will tell me that often times when I'm stressing about things that are too far in the future to worry about.

Rather fond of my daughter

Disclosure: I'm writing this on my phone so i appologise for any obvious mistakes.)It all started when Emma found a bug on her perfectly comfortable mattress, bought especially for her visit at my parents house. She refused to sleep on the mattress that lays on the floor next to my bed. For several nights, Emma slept on the floor just off her mattress or half on, half Off her mattress. I guess she eventually found that uncomfortable and she began getting up in the middle of the night and squeezing in on the twin sized bed that I slept on. Most nights I tried to fight it. I would tell her to get back into her bed which resulted in a lot of crying and soothing. I tried a few methods to make the nights easier for her, including rearranging the whole room so her mattress could be right next to mine and we could hold hands at night. (I did this at midnight, moving quite heavy furniture all by my self.) But, alas, after a week or so of this, Emma continued to crawl in my bed at night and I was fighting it less and less. (Mainly because often times I had been sleepin so deeply I didn't notice until morning.) Recently, Emma and I randomly decided to visit Jason's family in PA for a couple weeks. The first night of our vacation Emma and I shared a queen bed. That is, after Emma bed hopped between Karen's bed and mine for quite a while, she finally decided to stay with me. Later, at Karen's house we shared a full sized bed and another queen when at Jason's dad's house. Though out these vacation nights Emma was more and more clingy at night. Half the time she insisted on sleeping right on top of me. If I was playing around on my phone, she had to be watching. Strangely, I found it wasn't bothering me. At times I would tell her to stop wallowing on me but when I was turning over to go to sleep I got used to having my arm around her. In fact, her preciously angelic sleeping body next to mine comforted me quite a bit as most of my nights lately were spent lying awake sometimes until after four am. The morning. I watched Emma sleep, her funny positions, the conversations she had with someone in her dreams, how often she turned over or re-adjusted her pillow. (I couldn't help but notice how similar her sleeping patterns are to Jason's.) We were most recently in a king sized bed while visiting Jason's Grnadpa, Pappy. You would think two people would have plenty of room on a king mattress bed. But, not with my toddler. I lay there trying to sleep and all of a sudden WHAP! Right accross my face goes Emma's little arm. I kindly fold it back over her chest and relax again after the startle. WHAP! Not two seconds later. I was startled again, moving her arm and FOUR more times she whapped me. She was extremely unconsciously insistent that her arm lay exactly on my face. So I did the logical thing and scooter her over to the far side of the bed. The next night she got revenge by sleeping completely perpendicular to me all night. On a king size bed I still had her feet in my ribs. (and I wonder why I don't sleep at night.) However, it never fails. Each night no matter whether I've been whapped or stabbed or sleep talked too, I roll over each night, put my arm around her and dread having to change our style. Tonight, Emma wanted to sleep with Nana. I honestly missed her and was feeling really lonely when an hour later she came waltzing back in stating that Nana was asleep. She got back in bed and much like a grown adult relayed how the rest of her night was going to play out. I currently lay on the edge of the bed while Emma sleeps comfortably in the middle. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

They keep saying I'm normal

Rough ride these last few months. Jason is on deployment. Emma and I are waiting it out with family in Arizona. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I'm really depressed or not. Take my medicine some weeks, other weeks I don't. I've had the worse lack of patience with Emma, making me feel like a horrible mother. I can't help but compare myself to the successful mothers all around me: my own mom, who raised 5 kids with seeming ease, and my older sister, who's in the process of raising 5 kids and always with a good attitude. I'm often feeling doubtful, mental, and very very distressed because I have ONE child and can barely make it through the day. Doctors, friends, some family, and support groups say to embrace the medicine, it's ok to deal with depression. But there's a part of me deep, deep with in that can not grasp that concept. I can't help but think that's not who I am. I wasn't raised to give up and give in to my feelings. After several weeks of struggling with this, I'm often told that what I go through on a daily basis is really no different than any other mother, but somehow I still feel like one of a kind.
I was very thankful to be able to go to New Mexico to visit my Grandmother Anderson, Uncle Mark, Cousin April, Nick and Lynsey. I wanted to make sure I had a really good time there so I took my medicine on Tuesday (the day we left). We had dinner with the gang Tuesday night. I was a little nervous to have dinner with Lynsey. We were pretty close friends last time I lived in New Mexico and I hadn't spoken to her in years. But, she hadn't changed a bit and I really enjoyed my time with her. I was reminded of how fun she is and hope to stay in better touch with her.
Most importantly, I was ecstatic to be spending quality time with my Grandma. We were there because she was going to be having open heart surgery on Wednesday. Grandma never changes. I still imagine her as the 50 year old Grandma we left in Idaho many years ago. She's just as bubbly, happy, ornery, lovely, and funny as she always was. For as long as I can remember, I was told I was just like my Grandma Anderson. I'm loud like her, I'm built like her, I have a lot of the same ideas and thoughts as she did. We have most of the same mannerisms. As I watched her and spent time with her Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning before her surgery I felt really silly for the way I had been treating my depression. I have to remember that for an Anderson, I'm normal. I don't have a problem. (Said in the voice and tone of David) I'm an Anderson. My kid drives me crazy, so I yell. It's what I do. It's what I'll always do. Emma will grow up to hopefully be just like me because being like me is being like my Grandma and being like my Grandma is the best earthly person you could be like.
On the way home last night it dawned on me that in the craziness of the last few days I had forgotten to take my medicine the entire time I was in New Mexico. Thinking back I realized I had been patient with Emma, I wasn't exhausted all the time, I was happy and care free. I just had a great time. Depression didn't cross my mind one time.
I learned several things from this trip. One: I'm not depressed, I'm bored. As soon as I was able, I've always had a job and often times more than one. When I left the Navy to raise Emma my life suddenly because very mundane and "boring" (if I may use that word to describe raising Emma). I relish in the time I get to train dogs, but it's not a steady entertainment. My business is small and it's hard to find people willing to pay for dog training these days. I would love to go back to work or back to school, but those things just aren't in my cards right now. My focus at this point needs to be finding daily activities with Emma or other personal projects that will keep me entertained through out my days.
Two: Emma doesn't bug me near as much when she has someone to play with. It's time she had a sibling. There are those who might say I'm not ready for another kid, and yes, the first year might be tough as the new child grows and I have to have ANOTHER kid in diapers (no, Emma's still not potty trained). But, Emma is extremely helpful around the house and already shows signs of being a great big sister. I think if she just had someone to help entertain her through out the day I could be more sane. Until that time, though I will be getting her another pet. Jason and I want to get a couple dogs, anyway, and Emma really loves playing with dogs. Shelby, my parents dog, keeps her entertained for hours.
Three: It's important for me to remember who I am and where I came from. I need to make sure I'm not falling into the liberal, feel-good trap the society likes to drag you into. I need to stop seeking doctors about my "mental" problems. They just don't help. They give me medicine and tell me to find a support group and that it's ok to feel depressed sometimes. But the fact of the matter is, it's not ok. I do not and will not believe it. If my Grandma can raise 3 rowdy boys and a daughter with out depression looming over her and if my mom can raise 5 kids with out depression looming over her, then I can raise one. I just need to stay focused and remember to lean on God for support and not some other group of people who really have no idea what I'm going through or feeling at all.
And lastly: I love my family. I really want to just concentrate on spending quality time with my family. I want to spend more holidays with my family instead of always feeling like we have to go on this big vacation and visit a bunch of people. I want to spend more vacations seeing the family I miss the most and not worrying so much about whose turn it is. The Lee family can only be spread out so far and we need to make sure our immediate family is strong first. If there's anything I want to succeed in, it's having a good relationship with Emma. If I can just gain her trust the older she gets, then hopefully she'll always talk to me and Jason and hopefully we will always be seen as someone who can help her through life's biggest teenage problems. I'm working on a fun surprise for my family which I'll be presenting to them this Christmas. I'm really looking forward to their reaction and putting it into action.