They keep saying I'm normal

Rough ride these last few months. Jason is on deployment. Emma and I are waiting it out with family in Arizona. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I'm really depressed or not. Take my medicine some weeks, other weeks I don't. I've had the worse lack of patience with Emma, making me feel like a horrible mother. I can't help but compare myself to the successful mothers all around me: my own mom, who raised 5 kids with seeming ease, and my older sister, who's in the process of raising 5 kids and always with a good attitude. I'm often feeling doubtful, mental, and very very distressed because I have ONE child and can barely make it through the day. Doctors, friends, some family, and support groups say to embrace the medicine, it's ok to deal with depression. But there's a part of me deep, deep with in that can not grasp that concept. I can't help but think that's not who I am. I wasn't raised to give up and give in to my feelings. After several weeks of struggling with this, I'm often told that what I go through on a daily basis is really no different than any other mother, but somehow I still feel like one of a kind.
I was very thankful to be able to go to New Mexico to visit my Grandmother Anderson, Uncle Mark, Cousin April, Nick and Lynsey. I wanted to make sure I had a really good time there so I took my medicine on Tuesday (the day we left). We had dinner with the gang Tuesday night. I was a little nervous to have dinner with Lynsey. We were pretty close friends last time I lived in New Mexico and I hadn't spoken to her in years. But, she hadn't changed a bit and I really enjoyed my time with her. I was reminded of how fun she is and hope to stay in better touch with her.
Most importantly, I was ecstatic to be spending quality time with my Grandma. We were there because she was going to be having open heart surgery on Wednesday. Grandma never changes. I still imagine her as the 50 year old Grandma we left in Idaho many years ago. She's just as bubbly, happy, ornery, lovely, and funny as she always was. For as long as I can remember, I was told I was just like my Grandma Anderson. I'm loud like her, I'm built like her, I have a lot of the same ideas and thoughts as she did. We have most of the same mannerisms. As I watched her and spent time with her Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning before her surgery I felt really silly for the way I had been treating my depression. I have to remember that for an Anderson, I'm normal. I don't have a problem. (Said in the voice and tone of David) I'm an Anderson. My kid drives me crazy, so I yell. It's what I do. It's what I'll always do. Emma will grow up to hopefully be just like me because being like me is being like my Grandma and being like my Grandma is the best earthly person you could be like.
On the way home last night it dawned on me that in the craziness of the last few days I had forgotten to take my medicine the entire time I was in New Mexico. Thinking back I realized I had been patient with Emma, I wasn't exhausted all the time, I was happy and care free. I just had a great time. Depression didn't cross my mind one time.
I learned several things from this trip. One: I'm not depressed, I'm bored. As soon as I was able, I've always had a job and often times more than one. When I left the Navy to raise Emma my life suddenly because very mundane and "boring" (if I may use that word to describe raising Emma). I relish in the time I get to train dogs, but it's not a steady entertainment. My business is small and it's hard to find people willing to pay for dog training these days. I would love to go back to work or back to school, but those things just aren't in my cards right now. My focus at this point needs to be finding daily activities with Emma or other personal projects that will keep me entertained through out my days.
Two: Emma doesn't bug me near as much when she has someone to play with. It's time she had a sibling. There are those who might say I'm not ready for another kid, and yes, the first year might be tough as the new child grows and I have to have ANOTHER kid in diapers (no, Emma's still not potty trained). But, Emma is extremely helpful around the house and already shows signs of being a great big sister. I think if she just had someone to help entertain her through out the day I could be more sane. Until that time, though I will be getting her another pet. Jason and I want to get a couple dogs, anyway, and Emma really loves playing with dogs. Shelby, my parents dog, keeps her entertained for hours.
Three: It's important for me to remember who I am and where I came from. I need to make sure I'm not falling into the liberal, feel-good trap the society likes to drag you into. I need to stop seeking doctors about my "mental" problems. They just don't help. They give me medicine and tell me to find a support group and that it's ok to feel depressed sometimes. But the fact of the matter is, it's not ok. I do not and will not believe it. If my Grandma can raise 3 rowdy boys and a daughter with out depression looming over her and if my mom can raise 5 kids with out depression looming over her, then I can raise one. I just need to stay focused and remember to lean on God for support and not some other group of people who really have no idea what I'm going through or feeling at all.
And lastly: I love my family. I really want to just concentrate on spending quality time with my family. I want to spend more holidays with my family instead of always feeling like we have to go on this big vacation and visit a bunch of people. I want to spend more vacations seeing the family I miss the most and not worrying so much about whose turn it is. The Lee family can only be spread out so far and we need to make sure our immediate family is strong first. If there's anything I want to succeed in, it's having a good relationship with Emma. If I can just gain her trust the older she gets, then hopefully she'll always talk to me and Jason and hopefully we will always be seen as someone who can help her through life's biggest teenage problems. I'm working on a fun surprise for my family which I'll be presenting to them this Christmas. I'm really looking forward to their reaction and putting it into action.

2 days!

Today, it dawned on me that Jason was deploying in TWO days! How could I have lost track of time? How could I have put off all those things I wanted to do with him before he left? I never have any energy. I never feel like doing anything but laying around. Absolute worst time to feel lifeless. I'm not ready for this deployment. It's going to be really hard on me, emotionally; and I'm not going to be handling my loneliness very well.

There's so much to do! We just have not had any time before he leaves! I don't feel like we have made that special "I'm leaving soon" bond that we usually make. Must be because of how busy we've been and we haven't been on a date at all that didn't involve Emma.

Friday morning Jason is going to go to work and not come home and I'm not going to be ready for that.

Born Sinners

How do you know when your child has reached the age of accountability? It's so sad watching my 3 year old plot and execute a deceitful plan. And I would have been non the wiser except the outcome of her plan lacked in perceived obedience.

More than anything I want to teach my daughter about The Christ and I want her to know her Bible. I want her to understand her Bible. I want her to know, at a young age, about God, His Son, and what He did for us. But, there's that part of me (the evil part, I'm sure) that thinks, "What if I don't tell her? Can I hold off on her being accountable?"

When I have to give Emma a punishment for being bad I try to have her fully understand what she's being punished for. I have her say Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." And if I know other verses off the top of my head then I have her say those too. Is it horrible to admit that I almost wish I wasn't teaching her those verses because I know that means she's becoming accountable?

What keeps me going in my goal to teach her about the Bible and God is the fact that I know I am displeasing God by not telling her. But, how fervently I pray that Emma will find God on her own sooner rather than later.

I found God when I was 8, but my entire Christian life was lived with doubt of my salvation and never really living a proper Christian life. I knew everything there was to live a Christian life because I grew up in a great church that taught all the truths of the Bible. But, although I asked The Christ into my heart at a young age, I honestly don't think I fully understood what that even meant.

I fervently pray for Emma that she will not only KNOW about Jesus, but that she UNDERSTANDS Him too.

Dog training

I felt like a kid waiting to be picked up at school, but his ride never comes as I waited on a park bench trying to will cars to turn into the park and come out of their vehicle with a dog. I held a dog training class at a park in Anacortes last Friday and Saturday but only one person showed up. She was a friend and client whom I had already been working with but I appreciated her support. The weather was awful that weekend, too. There was a very cold wind. So, I'm not surprised that it wasn't a good turn out. Jason, as always, is very supportive and started thinking of ways to better advertise. I did not get any hits from the flyers I put out at vet clinics and pet shops. I only got one call from craigslist. I will blame the weather because my class was awesome! Any dog owner would have wanted to go! If the weather is better before I leave Washington I'll try it again at a park in Oak Harbor. And I think I might have better luck in Tucson. I do enjoy dog training so much and my prices are affordable. I wish people wanted more training for their pets. I would do it for free as much as I enjoy doing it.

Update

It's been a trying last few weeks as I figure out what to do with future events that will unfold with in the next month. The family is uneasy as we come into the final days before Jason leaves for a 4 month deployment. Previous deployments have not gone over so well and we are trying very hard to have trust and faith in God for this deployment to run smoothly. I have so many issues that I have to keep under control while Jason is gone and finding the right support group while he's gone was frustrating. There were so many loving, willing people that I didn't know who would be the right one. I prayed for God to lead me to where he wanted me to go and he led me back to my parent's house in Arizona. I'm trusting that God knows what he is doing. There was a part of me that wanted to stay in Washington because I'm loving our new church and my dog training business is actually doing things. But after prayer and much consideration, Jason and I both agreed that Arizona will be the best place for me this deployment. I do very much enjoy going to Arizona and am excited for the trip! My family is making preparations for Emma and I (and hopefully Bagheera) to arrive March 21st. I can't say I'm not nervous. The last couple weeks here in Washington have not made me feel comfortable with Jason leaving. Jason says I've been very indifferent. I've been trying different things to handle my depression and while it is helping me feel more like myself, it does put me in an indifferent state of mind. I think it is better to be melancholy than grouchy. I'm trying to remember and be reminded that my goal is to be courageous and to gain a new, stronger faith in the Lord.

I absolutely LOVE dog training! I have a couple new clients who I'll be working with up until I leave. I'm feeling very confident in my skills. I'm so thankful for my colleges and mentors who have helped me over the last several weeks. Every time I go to observe a class with my mentor, Joy, I'm given a new found joy for dog training and can't wait until I can start up a real business in a building of my own with a steady flow of clients and using all my ideas to make it fun and interesting. I hope that I will be able to keep up a decent amount of work load in Arizona. My family is being very helpful to spread the word.

Finding God's truth for me

Jason and I want to have another Baby. But, I'm trying to find what God wants me to do about my medicine and such while I'm pregnant. I considered going off of medicine and trying to use a therapist to help with my depression.

I John 4:5 They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them.

I believe the therapist is out unless I kind find a Christian one, which in the past has not been easy. I would consider a Pastor, but I'm not sure that's really the Pastor's job to help me through my depression. So I continue reading to see what else God wants to tell me.

Another thing I've been praying about is my fear. I fear a lot of things. I fear the future and what is going to happen in our lives. I fear what giving myself completely over to the Lord means.

I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

I'm not exactly sure how I can apply this to my life yet as I've always felt I was a loving sort. But, I think if I keep searching I'll find that maybe bitterness, anger, or pain is getting in the way of the true love I am supposed to have for God and my family.

I John 4:20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

Yesterday in my Bible reading I learned that keeping the commandments of God will also help with my depression, love, fear, anxiety, ect.

I John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.

I started a list of commandments which of course included the 10 commandments and other other commandments I've come across in my Bible reading. I am going to keep them in my Bible as a reminder of the way I should be conducting myself on a daily basis. I think this will really help.

For my faith:

I John 5:4-5 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?

I believe Jesus is the Son of God, so why don't I have more faith?

On a day like this, you just have to laugh

Yesterday, our snowy, slippery day started out with Emma coming in our bed early in the morning and falling back asleep. When the family did wake up several hours later, Emma had peed through her diaper. We already had a pile of pee-type soiled blankets, sheets and clothes hanging out underneath the RV waiting to be washed so the morning's situation forced us to finally take the laundry to the laundry mat. He had been putting it off because we were not sure if the car would make it through the snow. As we headed down hill to the quiet city of Anacortes, Jason and I both looked at each other at the same time with a look that said, "We're never getting back up this hill."

We started the worst of the blankets with the last of our laundry soap and then went to Safeway with $11 to our name (not counting quarters for laundry) to get more soap. We spotted the cheapest thing, I checked to make sure it wasn't fabric softner and we headed back to the laundry mat.

We started the last load, poured in the soap and then watched it for a minute. The soap seemed really weird. Jason looked at the soap bottle and sure enough it was, in fact, fabric softener. (Written in very small letter, I might add.) I was pretty upset about this; little did I know it was not the worst to come in our day. We used some of our quarters to get some soap from the machine and poured it in. I gave the fabric softener to a lady sitting near by as I never use the stuff.

We were starving at this point and had passed a Little Caesar's $5.99 pizza sign so we walked down to it and got ourselves a Pizza with the last of our money. Emma was very cold from walking in the wind at this point so Jason carried her back as I half ran, half walked back to the laundry mat in attempts to keep the pizza warm.

An hour or so later, the laundry was done, folded and ready to put in the car. Jason started to take it out and then suddenly he came bursting back in the door, angry as could be, stating he didn't have the car keys which were most recently in his left jacket pocket.

I assumed they couldn't have gone far. He re-traced his steps and I looked around the car, laundry and my own pockets. Twenty minutes later he came back with no success. He tried again. Nothing. I decided I would go give it a go, seeing how I had found the back of my mother's earring in the grass when I was younger, I always felt I had a sense for finding a needle in a hay stack. I also did not find the keys and even flagged down an officer who took down our information and stopped traffic to look in the road where we had crossed the street.

Jason made several attempts to find the key again after that. We checked with all the open businesses along the way. I texted a friend to cancel a play date with her and she offered to come pick us up. I accepted her offer gratefully.

As we were waiting for her to arrive, I received a phone call from another good friend who was near tears asking me to come pick up her dogs. Apparently she had fallen and broken both her wrists while running errands with her dogs.

I sighed inside myself knowing that I would have to put my taxi friend out of her way to help us get to my fallen friend's car. Two hours later, I finally arrived to rescue the dogs.

We headed back home, got the dogs settled in, ate some dinner and then headed to the hospital to spend some time with our friend. Jason and I managed to maintain relatively good attitudes through it all. In spite of the fact that on top of all this, each morning we've had to take a blow dryer to our water pipes. Nothing we do is keeping them from freezing over. We had planned to pick up an old mattress from storage after the laundry to use as insulation. Of course, that never happened.

So, this morning starts with a text from my friend saying she'll have to have surgery this afternoon. Water pipes frozen again. Jason is out thawing the water, Bagheera is watching him from a window, Emma is watching 5 minutes of a movie and then switching to a new one, (she figured out how to change her own movies which has it's perks) and I'm struggling to focus on my Bible reading.

In stead, I think I will get the dishes ready for washing and then shut myself in Emma's room for prayer time instead. We have much to think about as a replacement key is far more than we can afford. Thank God the base has been closed due to snow so Jason has not had to work and since our friend fell, we have been using her car to get around. Curse us and buying that Camero! Lesson's learned.

(DNP - Did not proof read)