Long awaited

This is the eve of a much needed break from work, from responsibility, from life. It was difficult to get through the work day. Things were slow as most others have taken off for the holiday. All day I was excited to get my mini vacation started. Traffic has been awful. It's been frustrating having to drive to and fro tying up loose ends from the last couple week, slowly getting all my errands complete and getting the kids home. The evening started out nicely, though. We took some electronics we didn't need to the pawn shop and got $20. Then I had something to return at Walgreens. With all the extra cash I was able to grab a couple really pretty make up bags for the girl's stockings and we also picked up some movies.

Coming home, however, was hard as it has been for the last several months. My home is not a place I enjoy being at and I hate that. I know the girls feel it too. My house is just a place with the essentials we need to be comfortable. A place were we come home and spend our evening being too tired to enjoy each other's company. Then we get up too tired to have a pleasant morning. Sometimes I feel more at home when I'm at work than when I'm at home.

A few days ago I had a glimpse of hope, though. I had a new patient doctor's appointment at the VA hospital. I found out I had free medical there and signed up right away. My appointment was first thing in the morning. The experience was amazing. Everyone was very friendly and I felt really happy there. The nurse practitioner who saw me that morning started asking about my medical history. As soon as we hit on depression I immediately started crying. My "How depressed are you" survey did not score well. The nurse was very concerned. I had been feeling this way for a long time but my depression was so misunderstood by everyone around me that I thought maybe I really was the crazy one. I kept thinking I just need to pull myself together. To be honest, I was waiting for the girls to get older. I kept thinking if the girls were just a little older and taking care of their selves more, things would be better. My last experience with medicine was not good so I never even considered doing it again. I feared losing the girls if someone knew I was mentally ill. So, I spent every single day barely making it through and feeling the whole time like something was wrong with me. I had no idea what I was doing with the kids and I had no idea how I would make it through the end of the year. My thoughts became worse and worse. I cared nothing about what other people thought of me. I knew that they did not understand me, so I just did what I could, what I felt I had to do to get through the day.

When the nurse strongly encouraged me to get on some medicine, I had a bit of nerves; but otherwise had no problem agreeing. I knew that I needed to try one more time, a different kind. I couldn't keep going on the way I was going. So, needless to say, I'm now taking half a dose of Zoloft. The first couple days I felt nauseous and dizzy; but I was determined to keep at it for the designated amount of time. The nurse told me it would take a couple weeks to fully feel the affects so I wasn't expecting to be feeling much better already by day 3. Perhaps God was allowing things to work quickly because I was at the end of my rope or maybe that's just how the medicine was working for me; but either way I was finally starting to feel like myself again. It had been years since I had even been in the presence of the true me. I had forgotten things about myself. My energy level was higher. I was happy in the mornings and patient with the kids. I had more gumption to clean up a mess. Such a difference from what had become the norm for me. I can distinctly recall moments when a plate of food would fall on the ground and I would just stare at it and then walk away and think, the dog will get that later when I let him in. I would spend hours with food on the floor of my kitchen and I didn't care at all. It had been so long since before I was depressed that I had forgotten what it was like to see a mess and desire to clean it up.  My relationship with my children already has greatly improved and it all happened naturally. I always knew that kids were forgiving; but I was always too depressed to care how much I was hurting them. Now I see that even just a couple days of feeling better, being patient with them and having fun with them, they seem to have already forgotten about who I used to be.

I went from crying every morning for weeks upon weeks and tearing up at every emotional thought, to feeling secure and steady. A month ago, I'd be bawling my eyes out to write a post like this; but tonight I just type. There is no crying. There's no over exaggeration of my feelings. There's no feeling like things are too overwhelming.

Now, I still suffer from quite a bit of anxiety. I have medicine for that as well but don't get to take it often because it makes me very tired. I still have moments when I dread going home and I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning. The initial affects of the medicine seem to be evening out. But, I'm not quick to judge it because this is an emotional time for me with Christmas around the corner, I'm feeling lonely, my monthly is due and I'm on new meds. I will give the medicine the allotted amount of time for trial and get it to a point where I can feel the way I'm supposed to feel all the time. Though I still have my moments, I can tell even the moments are not as bad as they used to be. It's nice not crying all the time. I still have overwhelming thoughts sometimes but they are about half of the feeling they used to be. I used to worry about the future and the control I lacked but I hardly care about that at all anymore. I've gained back a lot of happier emotions in my day to day and feel a lot more comfortable with simple things like engaging in conversation; although I still often dread days that are busier than other days. I'm not yet capable of adding anything to my schedule. I can work, eat, sleep and get the kids where they need to be. That's the extent of what I can handle right now. Thinking of putting the girls back in an extra curricular activity feels overwhelming as well as adding to my ministries at church. My hope is that in time as I get a good dose that works for me, I'll be able to add those sorts of things to my days and not feel so overwhelmed by it.