God created her, I carried her, now she is my happiness and my laughter.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Baby Steps in the Right Direction

When I promised obedience to Christ on Good Friday this year I didn't know what all that would entail. But, it didn't take long for me to see that my spirit could easily be quenched by Hollywood films. When I first made the promise I drenched myself in Spiritual things, always watching preaching sermons and Christian films and listening to Christian music or comedy. As it happens, when the spiritual high begins to subside, it's easy to let some old ways slip back in. I began to notice that when I tried to watch a secular film, especially one with bad words or inappropriate scenes, I would feel very burdened or convicted to keep those things out of my life long-term.

I think it's important to note at this point that I'm an avid movie-watcher. When I watch a movie, I don't just watch it...I become the character that most closely relates to me. I put myself in the story. I love the idea behind films that lets you live a life through someone else and experience their experiences without having to actually experience them. This is probably why films of comedy are not my thing. When I watch a movie I like to feel like its real or could be real (fantasy) in another world. It's an escape out of my own life.

So, for a couple weeks now I've felt heavily burdened to close my Netflix account. I had already turned off the streaming because it was a distraction while trying to do homework. But, I still kept the cheapest DVD plan which was two a month. I would usually only watch one a month and sometimes not even that because we didn't have a great TV area and our DVD player didn't work half the time or I couldn't find the remote. Because I physically didn't really watch the shows anyway I didn't know why I was being burdened to turn off the account. But, really, deep down I knew why. It was because I was holding on to the queue. I had a very long list of movies in my queue that I wanted to watch someday. Each one really intrigued me and there was something about knowing that I wouldn't lose the story if I kept the queue that made me feel attached to it. I began to recognize that God wanted me to give up on the stories. It wasn't that I couldn't watch movies; but why was I holding so hard to these secular stories?

I am an Amazon Prime member so every once in a while I'll get on there and pick a movie to watch. Treat myself, kind of thing, if I get my homework done in a timely manner. So, last night I saw a film featuring Tom Hanks. I felt safe choosing this film because he always makes great films. And though I watched the whole thing, I found myself cringing when bad words were spoken and convicted when the Lord's name was used in vain. The movie ended and I just knew that I couldn't watch these films anymore. It wasn't good for my spirit and if Christ was sitting here with me, physically, I would not choose to watch it. So, this morning I finally broke down and canceled my Netflix DVD plan. I was surprised at how much this meant to me. I even shed a tear. ha ha Because this wasn't an action I was taking because it was taking up too much time or money. On the surface it would seem like Netflix wasn't affecting me at all. But, it was the stories I was missing out on that made me feel emotional. It's like a bunch of cliff-hangers that I was ignoring.

When the deed was done and the account was officially canceled it was like the Spirit living inside of me was rejoicing. I had a similar feeling of a spiritual high that I got when I had made other more dramatic changes to my life. It made me feel good that I was choosing Christ over these stories that really don't mean anything at all. It was like Jesus was saying, "Thank you. I can rest easy, now." And I just felt at peace.

This is encouraging for me. Every day my vows of obedience are on my mind and I try to look for ways I can prove my obedience. But, many days go by and nothing really comes up that I feel I can make a significant point of obedience towards. Some days the enemy makes me feel like my vows are all for naught because on the day to day, nothing is changing. But, my heart IS changing! The changing of one's heart is often slow and unnoticeable. (A concept I learned from a great sermon preached last Sunday. Here is the link if you want to view the sermon on wayward hearts: https://livestream.com/accounts/9449933/events/3245460/videos/156710903 )

Last night I cried. It's a sobbing I've become familiar with since I started my vows. It's an uncontrollable sobbing due to an overwhelming sense of inability to accomplish tasks of Motherhood. Raising my kids alone seems to have been the root cause of my loneliness, trying to find a partner on my own and giving in to my vises before. Since I promised God I would not seek a partner anymore, I find myself feeling extremely overwhelmed with the outcome of my children. When I realize how much of an example I am to my kids, how ignorant I am at raising kids and seeing traits in them that I don't like, I begin to get very anxious and overwhelmed. I begin to think this job is not meant for me; but selfishly I won't give my kids to anyone else to raise because I also need them in my life. Because trust me, I've considered many options that I felt would be better than what I could offer them. And I cry out to God because He truly is the only One I have with the power to help.

Whenever I get to feeling this way, God has not let me down. I first experienced these feelings on Mother's Day. It swells within me anytime I notice something in my kids that I don't know how to handle like a personality trait I'm failing to refine in them. But, each time it happens I cry to God and give it to Him and tell Him how much I need His help with these kids. Faithfully, He has always led me to a victory after such a prayer. This morning it was this Netflix thing. Silly or small as it seems, God wanted to show me how good it is to be obedient. It makes me feel like He will truly be here for me and the girls. And it encourages me to always be watchful of moments when I can prove my obedience once more. And to also not forget that sometimes it's the smallest of things.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Life Goals

It is the first week of May as I write this. Which means it's been just a few weeks since Easter. Feels like more time has gone by than what has actually gone by. On Good Friday this year I attended an event that changed my whole outlook on my life. Pastor Miles McPhearson from the Rock Church in San Diego was a guest speaker at this event and he encouraged us all to start physically standing for Jesus through obedience. The interesting thing was that even before this challenge from him, I had been dabbling with the idea of being more obedient to Christ....I know, what a revelation, right? And I feel like this was God's way of saying, "Yes, that's a good choice and here's how you get started."

After the Good Friday challenge I went to the front and waited in line to talk to Pastor McPhearson. I wanted to thank him for his message of encouragement and I gave him a very brief background/update on my own life and where I was at in life. I felt like the woman with Jesus who said, "Go, and sin no more" as Pastor McPhearson prayed with me that day and then told me, "Just go, and be obedient to the Lord." It suddenly seemed like such a simple task.

Now, some of you may read my blog regularly or know the intimate details of my life well enough to know some of the major struggles in my past. And let me tell you, my divorce isn't really one of them. Being a single mom, so so hard as it is, isn't really my biggest struggle. Being a single mom comes with a lot of feelings of loneliness, which greatly impacts my greatest struggle; but it isn't actually my greatest struggle. My greatest life-struggle that has been the sole purpose of all my life choices to date is that of seeking the feeling of being loved and feeling unloveable.

Now, don't get me wrong. There was a lot of love in my family. My parents loved us and I know this because of how hard they worked physically, mentally and emotionally to see all their children succeed in every aspect of life. I think it was inevitable for me to feel unloveable the older I got just because of other things like Hollywood movies. "Love" in Hollywood is so far from reality, yet, woman of ALL ages get caught up in what Hollywood portrays to us as love.

And during all this Easter challenging in my life, my amazing and beautiful sister-in-law sent me a book to read called Sex and the Soul of a Woman. It's a book for healing for woman like me who came to see "love" with a man as giving a part of yourself a way through sex. As I opened the pages of this book, the very first sentence, the first paragraph, was me. How empty and hard and bitter I had become as time after time of giving myself to a man to try to gain or keep his affection turned against me every time. What amazed me is how hopeless the personal testimonies shared by other woman were in the book. Each one seemed to say, "I gave away a part of my soul because I thought it's what I had to do to keep his love; but he's gone now anyway and what does it matter? That part of my soul is gone and I'll never get it back." It's so true. You do get to a point after so many attempts at finding love in this way, that you start to say, "Well, I'm ruined now so I might as well enjoy the game, the high. I know this won't last but for now I can feel loved and what does it matter? I've already lost myself." And THAT is so true! I've completely lost who I am as a person. Who was I before I started trying to gain acceptance in this way? It happens at such a young age, that it's almost impossible for me to remember who I was. What were my ambitions? What did I value about myself before I thought my value came from a man or sex?

The third thing that God did this past Easter was He brought to my attention the movie Courageous, that had been sitting on my counter in a Netflix envelope for weeks. One afternoon I was cleaning the house (being productive, for once) and it was like the Holy Spirit stopped me in my tracks. I just suddenly felt an urge to watch this movie. And as I did so, I realized I had gone into a whole different world. The house could have been burning down around me and I wouldn't have noticed I was so fixated on the show. I hardly noticed that the actors weren't the best. I cried throughout the movie and felt fear and anxiety as I watched as if I didn't know the ending or the outcome. (I had seen it before) The story came to life for me and when it was finished I jumped up and I said, "Girls, get ready to go, we have to go to the mall."

We all went to the mall and I was on cloud nine with ideas of things I wanted to do to turn my life around. I bought a notebook to write some vows in and keep a journal of my journey as I attempted to keep them. And then I also bought myself a promise ring. I didn't get a cheap one either. I went to a jeweler and I was there a really long time contemplating my budget and my goals and what I wanted this ring to represent. I left the store with a beautiful rose gold ring with three opal stones to represent myself and my girls. I have a payment plan that will have the ring paid off in a year. I liked this plan for a few reasons. One, every time the money comes out towards the ring I am reminded of my goals and my vows. And two, I decided to use this year to pay off my ring as a way to gauge where I'm at with my vows. I put the ring on my left, wedding finger and I told myself (and my girls) that I was going to be married to God for the next year. Dating Jesus, as I'll sometimes refer to it. During my year of dating Jesus I will learn how to love God and how to be obedient to Him. I will make real efforts to changing my life style, the way I value and think of myself and my relationship with my kids. I vowed in this year of dating Jesus that I will not date anyone else. I will not go to online dating sites, I will not accept offers or pass out my number. I will simply focus on being married to God. When the year is over and my ring is paid off I will have (ideally) learned how to love God and make Him the first and most important part of my life. I will have (hopefully) healed my body and my heart, my mind and my soul of my past attempts at love. I will then switch my ring over to my right hand indicating to God that I'm now ready for anyone he might have in store for me. This doesn't mean I'll go back to online dating or seeking someone. It just means that I'll be willing to date again if God wants that for my life. But, I will also be willing to go on being single if that is His will because that's what this year is all about. Submitting to His will.

It's interesting how all this happens. It's so very clear that God was in on these Easter changes for me. After I wrote my vows I was excited to tell my family and prayer warrior group, my Pastor and even my old friends who needed to know that I had made a change. I saved my Sunday School teacher for last. I wanted to tell her face to face about the vows I was making because she had played an important role in my life, being a friend and encouragement to me in the last several months. I didn't get to church early enough that next time we all met for Sunday school for me to tell her before class what had happened. And so it was fascinating to me to see how God works as she explained her next series of lessons for us. She said she was feeling heavily burdened by the Holy Spirit to start a series on how woman in the Bible can be obedient towards God. I was so giddy with excitement that I couldn't wait to tell her how amazing God was and how neat it was that he would work like this and align things just so.

Well, all that was just introduction to my actual thoughts this morning, ha ha. You know we get these revelations in life sometimes and we get that Spiritual high in the moment. But, if you've ever been to a summer camp or retreat you know that the feeling goes away. What I appreciated about God working this Easter is that he didn't fill me with ecstatic feelings that would fade. Because I am an emotional person and I often base things off of how I'm feeling. What I liked about this moment in my life was that there wasn't any extra ordinary emotions. These various things would happen and the next day I would still wake feeling anxious and depressed as always. My life went on as always. I didn't have any major turn of feelings or any immediate healing. What I did notice though is that God would bless me with a good attitude and good days. I wasn't so grumpy all the time, which immediately helped my relationship with my girls. And I began to have more productive days. My feelings of anxiety and depression in the mornings were easily swept away after I would do a few things to connect with God. And the thing was, I didn't start reading my Bible every day. I didn't start a daily prayer routine. I didn't do a whole lot of things differently. So, these weeks would go by and I would get discouraged sometimes that I wasn't really doing much towards my new vows and I would wonder what it had all been about. But, God would send me an opportunity that day to be obedient. And I would recognize it and I would obey. I would get to go home and write in my journal how I had the opportunity to obey and I would get encouraged. Then the next day would be the same: wake up with depression and anxiety wondering what it was all about, start my day, earn a victory, go to bed happy.

Through out all this I would keep opening my heart to God's will and looking for a direction he was taking me. I didn't know where to find His will; but I was sure to keep looking in the right places. I listen to a lot of sermons, KLove, Christian comedy and God started to show me His will little by little. I've honestly gotten more out of the announcements from my Miles McPhearson sermons I'm listening to than his actual messages, ha ha. He will give an announcement about an app or something that his church is using and I'll download the app and it turns out to be the part that God was leading me towards. I found out that the Rock Church will send you a daily Bible passage to your email. Now, every morning as I go through my phone and get rid of all the red notification markers, I come to my email. Every morning I see I have a new email and it's that Bible passage. I take a moment to read it and learn from it and journal about what I learned and share with others if I feel led.

God doesn't lead me every day like I thought maybe He would. But once a week or so He gives me something to work on. First it is the Bible passages coming to my email. Then it is a sermon about giving God the firsts of all that you have. I wasn't touched by the sermon when I first listened to it. But, days later when I was reflecting about my vows and trying to find God's Will in it all, the sermon came back to me with a goal and something I can work on towards obedience to God.

So, all in all, even though I still feel depressed at times, I see that God is watching me and guiding me. This is exciting for me to see God work in His timing. It's important for me to learn that I have to keep Godly things in my life. If God isn't working as fast as I want Him to I might get distracted by Hollywood or personal desires. It's important for me that no matter how badly I want to just watch a regular movie, I have to watch my sermon videos or Christian comedians instead. No matter how badly I want to listen to an old song that I loved, I force myself to stick with KLove. And it's usually only a matter of seconds that go by before I realize the Godly choices are better. I get much more encouragement from the sermons or Christian music than I do the worldly stuff.

The greatest part about all of this is that my past life disgusts me. I do feel broken and bruised from the choices I made before, the men who hurt me and the parts of my soul that I gave away. Every once in a while an old contact will reach out to me and it angers me that I had even let this person affect me before. It angers me that I allowed myself to let that person dictate my value. Praise Jesus for even that victory alone!