Morning habits

For the longest time, Emma used to sleep in between 0700 and 0800. But in the last couple weeks she started getting up at 0600. At that time she came into our bed and while at first she would just lay down, it didn't take long for her to get distracted with the cats and start wallowing all over us so that we could not get any more sleep. Since Jason has been on leave the last couple of weeks, we have been staying up late and wishing to get more sleep than 0600.

Finally, one morning, Jason had enough of waking up at 0600 or sometimes before then. When he heard Emma coming in the room he told her to go back to her bed. She cried on the way to her bed, but then we heard her shut her door, get back in bed and quiet down. Later that morning at 0900 she got up again, came in our room and woke us up again. This time we were more rested.

So, the next morning, Jason did the same thing. Emma went back to her bed with less crying.

Emma is such a quick learner. The morning after that, I heard Emma open her door and I thought "here we go again. " But Emma did not come in our room. Instead, she went to the bunny and said, "Mommy's sleeping. Daddy's sleeping." Admiral heard her talking and sat up in his bed making his collar jingle. Emma heard it and yelled out, "Admiral! Stay! You're scaring Mowg."

Shortly after that, Emma tried to come in our room quietly, but I told her to go back to her room. She went back with out a fuss, shut her door, and later on at 0900 got up again and came in to wake us up.

Continuing to learn from her experiences, the next morning Emma did not even come out of her room. At 0900 she opened her door for the first time and crept slowly into our room. We did not even know she was there until we saw her in the mirror. Jason laughed and "held out his scepter" to her. She came in and as she climbed up on the bed she said, "Did you sleep?" She's so cute! Sometimes I just can't stand it. Since then, Emma has not come out of her room until 0900.

A night on the town

Jason wanted to be a rebel against a bank account with no money and decided to take the family out for a family evening. We ate Chinese for dinner. Emma made us laugh as usual while eating out. This time we were sitting by a window and Emma was insistent on eating and drinking using the window sill as her table. On top of that her bendy straw was malfunctioning and was bending in three different places. Her head was following the straw as it bent as she drank and sometimes it was too bent to get a drink. But, she's not one to take defeat. She tried so hard to get a good drink. Finally, after we had our laughs we gave her a new straw.

After dinner, we headed to Emma's first theatre movie. We watched Judy Moody's not so bummer summer. Emma sat very still and quiet, honestly interested in the movie for about half of it and then she got up and ran up and down the isle we were sitting in. It was ok because we were the only ones in the theatre besides a group of teenage girls who were clearly not interested in paying attention to the movie considering we had occasional coins flying over our heads from behind us. Even though she was running around, she was still quiet and Jason and I were able to enjoy the movie for ourselves. I'm sure it helped that we kept stuffing licorice in her mouth. At the end of the movie, Emma wanted to dance to the credit music so we went to the front and holding hands we all danced together until the cleaning lady came in. Kid's innocent nature encourages adults to have more fun. And plus we can get away with it since we have a toddler to blame our silly ways on.

The theatre is in the mall. Jason had a gift card to sears so we walked down there after the movie. Because it was later, the mall was basically empty, so Emma was free to run like a crazy kid in the mall. We even had to do a slight jog to keep up until she suddenly stopped in front of Chucky Cheese to check out the mural on the wall of all the chucky cheese characters. She gets distracted so easily.

Jason tried on and bought 4 pairs of new jeans to go with his new cowboy ensemble. I'm glad he got into the style. I can tell he regrets putting off the switch for so long. He thoroughly enjoys being a cowboy and really enjoys his new wardrobe. Emma also snuck in a pair of shiny, pink platform sandals. She's such a shoe girl (after my own heart).

Icecream followed the mall. Jack in the box did not have cones so we backed out of the drive through and swung into McDonalds. After pulling half way into the drive through, I decided I needed to go to the bathroom, so Jason backed out of the drive through again, throwing off some old people backing out of their parking space in their fancy lincoln. We went back and forth playing the who goes first game and finally we parked and went in. Emma was attracted to the slides right away. She did not even want to eat her ice cream, she was having so much fun in the tubes and slides. We knew it was ready to go when she started crying somewhere in the maze of tubes. She was lost and couldn't find her way back. Then when she did follow the sultry sound of our voices and found the entrance she couldn't figure out how to get down the spiral stair case back to the floor and Jason had to go up there and help her get down.

We spent money we didn't have, but we had fun and it was a great family outing!

Much to contemplate while mopping

I've learned a lot since Jason has been home. He left for three days last Monday. Came back Wednesday. I was in such an emotional slump while he was gone and I did not even realize it until he came back. Nine months away, one month back, one month gone, two days back, three days gone, and now thirty days back on leave; it's been an emotional roller coaster. And that was just in the last year. There were times more often than not that I was sure we would fall apart. I wanted only to stick it out for Emma's sake. Our marriage and life plans were not going according to plan at all. What should I have expected from a couple who having never met before, were friends, dating, engaged, and married all in under a years time? Then we had a child with in another years time; and all the while, we had literally been apart for more consecutive days than we had been together. My family and friends couldn't know how we struggled until it was too much to hide. The world was telling us to give up. I was listening. But Jason's faith grew stronger the farther apart we seemed to get. The more I wanted to leave the more Jason wanted to stay. I sought solace everywhere but the only place I could find any answers was my Bible. God was telling me to listen. He didn't want me talking or asking for things. I was in no condition to be making requests. So, instead, I just listened to what God's Word had to tell me: "Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him."

"...but let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed."

"Even so faith, if it hath not works is dead, being alone."

"For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work."

As I continued to listen, I did not know what all I was learning was going to do for me. I tended to still doubt. There was a part of me deep down inside, beyond the doubt, unfaith, bitterness, and sorrow, that was telling me I was in the right place. As badly as I ached to run away to something or some place more comfortable I somehow knew that I needed to stay exactly where I was at. If I could only have some time and space to figure out what was going on in my life I knew things would be ok. Jason struggled to give me my space and I counted it a blessing to have some time to think while he was underway for 30 days.

When he came back, I was still unsure about many areas of our marriage and my life. I felt like I had been shorted by leaving the Navy so soon. I felt like I had made bad decisions in the beginning causing me to be in this grief stricken life that I thought I had found myself in now. I struggled to find the truth. Jason struggled to let me find the truth at my own pace. He so desperately wanted me to see in the same way, what he saw so clearly. But, amongst it all, there was a still small voice always in the back of my mind that was telling me to just keep reading the Bible, to keep trusting in the prayers I knew where going out for me, and to keep searching for the peace God was longing to give me.

Often times Jason and I will have a real heart to heart talk that eases both of our hearts and minds. We had just such a talk on Sunday, before he left for 3 days. It was the kind of heart felt talk that makes you feel like you like/love that person even more for the insight that the both of you have shared. So, on Monday when Jason left, I started to feel like I was really missing him. This was the first time I had really felt this way since his deployment back in December and I felt an inkling of hope arising in my heart.

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with my other half being gone, as that is how it truly felt. My body was physically in pain every day, my emotions were shot in the head and dying, my ora was down. It's like God was pouring on me my every day emotions but this time unmasked by the bitterness and anger that so cleverly disguised them and pushed them away. I found myself excessively tired all day long, enduring migraines, nausea, and thoughts of wishing I could pass out til Wednesday or that some how Emma could learn to take care of herself, the laundry (that was spread all over my bed) and the housework that was piling up. I was experiencing every emotion I had pushed aside in the last year all in a 3 day period and I was counting down the hours until Jason got home. Then and only then could I crash into my bed, smother myself with "sniff" and not get up for a week. Life could not stop, however, just because I was feeling depressed. I was fortunate that Emma was quite happy to entertain herself with playing outside and watching "Princess woobie" (The Little Mermaid) But I found myself in tears chasing Admiral down the street more than once. During one chase, I even gave up. If I didn't go back home I would have surely fallen in the ditch out of sheer inability to run and cry so hard at the same time. (Luckily, a couple hours later, Admiral came home on his own.) On the second day, I was physically sick to the point that I could not get out of bed even if I wanted to. Emma ruled the roost and finally on the 3rd day Jason came home and took over.

But, upon his arrival, I noticed that I suddenly was starting to feel better. It was only then that it dawned on me the last 3 days had been a result of me missing my husband so badly and wishing so fervently that I could be closer to him. I had not had these feelings in over a year so it was like new and strange to me. But I embraced him and asked him for extra kisses and knew in that moment that I was beginning to see why God wanted me to stick it out. I was not sure what I was feeling so I did not embrace the feelings. I was thankful to be feeling better, but did not want to jump to any conclusions and had spent over a year pushing my feelings aside (or rather I tend to do that in general) and I was not ready to embrace what I thought for sure God was trying to tell me.

What is love to you? I went back and forth contemplating this question through out my whole life. At first I believed in the love of God, parents, and friends. Over time, my friend's love was failing me, I was failing my parents, and in my state of life, I was finding it difficult to find God's love. Then I started to believe love did not exist, but in fairy tales. I was certain love was only found in hollywood. Sometimes I refused to see that love was even in the Bible. I had told Jason I loved him and I had even established three different kinds of love. Emma being in one category, Jason in another, and family in yet another. But when I looked back on my life and marriage with Jason I often wondered if I truly understood the meaning of love. I felt silly for trying to figure it out thinking that only hollywood seeks out the meaning of love. I did not want to appear foolish so I pretended to understand it while all the time confusing myself and those around me for refusing to find the answer. Further more I was getting irritated at the unconditional love that Jason was bestowing on me after all I had put him through in the last year and all that our marriage had been through. The only love I can truly understand is that of a parent for a child. I had become certain that I had never truly "loved" anyone besides Emma and my immediate family in all my life and that all this time I was going off of hollywood's meaning of love. I knew what God's love was for us so I knew that it existed. But, I also knew that I had not loved Jason in the proper way and I did not know how to love him now.

Wednesday night, I felt some things I had never felt before. I was feeling drawn to Jason in a way I had not known possible. That night we shared in an intimate evening that I had never experienced before and when it was over and we were laying on the bed contemplating what had just happened, I started to cry. For, in that moment I realized what was happening. I was falling in love with Jason for the first time. The way my entire heart, body, and soul was so completely drawn to him was something I had never experienced before and I was ecstatic to be experiencing it with Jason.

God needed me in this place. I suddenly realized the pieces of God's puzzle were all falling into place. Having a child right away kept me from going anywhere when things got tough, and the last stressful, trying year of our marriage needed to take place so that I could push the reset button on my heart and learn what it was truly like to be a wife. To be loved. To be a real family.

I've always explained myself to have canned emotions because on a whole I've never really known what I should be feeling. It's like I was just opening a can of emotions, reading the instruction, and applying to my life or situation. Nothing was real. I cried because that's what other people seemed to do during hard time or pain, I laughed for the same reason or because I did not know what type of emotion to have. I was sad, hurt, happy, or forgiving based on what I had seen other's feel during those situations before.

But for the FIRST time in my life, I felt a REAL emotion all on my own. My entire life had been leading up to this point. Jason is the ONLY man who could have married me. None other would have put up with all that I have made him endure. The Navy was the only way we could have met. Emma is the only reason I stayed, and our hardship was the only way for me to learn how to love the man that was meant to be my husband. It all made perfect sense for the first time and my faith was completely restored. I doubted God all this time, thinking he wasn't working in my life, when really the trials and tribulations were all part of his master plan and I was too unfaithful to just let him have is perfect way.

I feel like Jason and I are dating new again for the first time. I've fallen in love with him for the first time and it's not a puppy dog love or attraction. It's an honest feeling. It's something that came from my own heart. I wasn't copying a film or idea. It was my own decision, my own feeling planted by God. I feel special that I have finally experienced this feeling and I feel confident that I will have more faith in the future. God has been so good and patient with me. I think my family is going to do great things from here on out. I know Jason couldn't be happier now that I've figured it all out. Emma is growing up in a loving house hold and she is getting cuter, prettier, and smarter by the day. What I tried for over a year to figure out, God showed me in one day. Half a day really. All I had to do was open up my heart and let Him talk to me. I'm excited to know what else he is going to do with me and my family from here.

I had a love affair with the Navy

This morning I cried because I missed the Navy so much. And while I do not usually cry about it, I am in a continual state of missing the Navy. I get so irritated at people who just complain all day about their military job. The military offers many great character traits, quality in your life, and not to mention free medical. The benefits way out number the day to day grime that you have to put up with. Why do you think they offer so many benefits? Because they know on a day to day it's not the most fun job. But, it is the most rewarding. I miss the structured life style, the brother/sisterhood of my shipmates, the respect bestowed on others and myself, the respect bestowed on this country and the flag. The Navy is and was something to be proud of! I feel extremely honored that I can say I served, though I wish I could have done more than 4 years. I've known people to serve 4 years, absolutely hate every minute of it, get out, and then take the praise of a civilian as if they were so proud to have served. When civilians praise me as a veteran I feel ashamed that I did not do more. Only 20 years could have made me feel like a real veteran.

But, like my mother before me, I gave up something I love for my family. My mom came through and raised a very nice family so I have faith that I can do the same. I would not trade my time with Emma right now for anything. But in a weak moment, when my husband, friends, and people all around me are going off in their Navy uniform serving their country, I do miss the Navy and sometimes I miss it so bad it hurts. Why can't people like me serve and those who complain get out? It's the age old "grass is always greener" concept. Although, the grass in the Navy for me was looking pretty luscious and green all the time!

The Whole Story

So, about a week ago, I (much out of the norm) answered a strange number that was calling me. It turned out to be a guy answering a Craigslist posting I had posted several months ago stating that I was looking for a large breed dog for my family preferably a Great Dane or German Shepherd. He asked if I was still looking and I informed him that we were due to get a mixed puppy in July, but asked what kind of dog he had. I couldn't believe he had a 2 1/2 year old jet black Great Dane. Full blood, nice shape, free of charge, and came with all the stuff. There was no way I could pass up what I new to be Jason's dream dog of choice. So I agreed to take Admiral off his hands. He needed to give him away as soon as possible because his 9 month old baby girl had developed a bad allergy to him. The guy warned me that he was the runt of the littler and smaller than what I was probably expecting. And I have to admit, I was bummed about that. But it was still going to be a great surprise for Jason's birthday which happened to be right around the corner. (Jason is underway at this time) So, the next afternoon, dog owner, Steve, knocks on my door. He tells me to get ready because the dog isn't well trained and he's about to bring him out of the car. I am taken aback as Admiral, completely fitting name, trots around the corner, head up, shoulders broad, proud as can be. He is no small dog. I couldn't believe he was the runt. He was bigger than any great dane's I had seen before. My heart was beating wildly with excitement. I was immediately attached and the dog was surprisingly mellow in a new environment. We set up his things around the house, I got all the instruction that I needed on how to care for such a big dog and then Emma, the cats and I were left alone with him. I was pet sitting another dog at the time so at first it didn't sink in that this dog was here to stay.

The first couple days were a little difficult because Admiral and the dog I was pet sitting didn't get along. So, I juggled their potty schedules, play time, and walks. Also, unlike all the other dogs I've had in this yard, Admiral had no qualms about trudging right through the dense brush in the back and escaping out the other side. I could not believe it. Emma and I put on our jeans and boots and went in after him. I could tell Emma thought we were on a real adventure and most of the brush engulfed her. She was a real trooper keeping up with me as I chased after Admiral. Luckily he didn't go far and I pulled him back through the brush.

Couple days later I wanted to run inside for something real quick while Admiral was outside playing. As I'm inside I hear Emma yelling for Admiral. I knew he had run off again. I went outside and ended up chasing him a quarter mile down the street, through someone's yard and finally he let me catch him. I knew he could not start doing this every day, but there was nothing I could do about fencing until Jason got back. I immediately called my mom to send me some training papers so I could begin his obedience training stat. After a third escape of me sprinting after a dog who had completely forgotten his name, and having to leave Emma in the back yard by herself while I ran half a mile down the road after a dog who had no intentions of letting up, I decided enough was enough. From then on, Admiral was never outside with out me monitoring his every move.

Other than the running off, Admiral is a great dog for Emma. They play together like he was any other kid. He gallops through the yard after sticks and balls that she throws for him. He likes to chase after her as she runs through the house. He's the playmate that we have been wanting for her. She will play outside by herself now as long as he is there. For as large of a dog as he is, he's extremely gentle with Emma.

Admiral learned quickly not to mess with Bagheera who ended up leaving him with four bloody spots in his nose and part of a claw. But, Mowgli is still a scardy cat and both cats, when they aren't escaped outdoors, just hang out in my room which is off limits to the dog.

I was thankful to hear that Jason was getting in early from his underway trip. I was ready for someone to put a fence up in the back and it was becoming difficult to keep this new, great part of our lives a secret.

On the way home, Jason talked about how excited he was for his surprise, but he didn't want the surprise to be ruined so we didn't talk about it much. I was almost giving away the surprise at every turn because every cool thing I had to say involved the dog. Not to mention I left a sheet in the car from when I had taken Admiral to the park and vet. I had to lie and say the sheet was for the dog I was pet sitting.

Not unlike me, I forgot Emma's diaper bag on this excursion to go pick up Jason. We left the house at 1230 and were not headed out on the home stretch until nearly 1900 so you can imagine Emma's diaper was over flowing. When we got home I really wanted Jason to be the first one to walk through the door so he could have the full affect of Admiral's size and the surprise of it. But Jason insisted on getting Emma who by this time had pooped out of her diaper and we had to wrap her in the sheet. Plus, when we pulled in the garage, Admiral heard Jason's strange voice and started barking. Jason did not seem to realized there was a dog barking in the house. I hoped he thought it was a neighboring dog. I kept thinking to myself "Admiral, you're giving away your surprise." Then, as I was opening the door Jason finally mentioned something about the barking. He said, "There's a dog in the house." I smiled and as he saw Admiral for the first time I said, "Surprise!"

Jason got a huge smile on his face and admired his size (the first thing everyone does) We briefly talked about how the whole thing had played out. He said he was definitely surprised and was extremely excited to finally have the dog he's always wanted.

The initial meeting of Admiral did not go according to plan what with his barking, Jason holding a pooped out baby, and Admiral was shy around Jason for the first while. He even ran into my bedroom when we first came in the house. But, over all it was a great surprise and in my experiences surprises never go according to plan anyway. After we took care of Emma and put her in a bath we took Admiral outside so I could show Jason how he galloped and how he runs back with the ball in his mouth right at you and you think he's going to knock you over.

Over all, we are feeling complete now. Question is still unanswered if we are going to also get the puppy in July.