Story Time

There once was a very good Chef. His father was a chef and his father before him. And as his grandfather had taught his father every recipe in The Book, a book with all the recipes and answers to making the perfect dish; so the Chef's father taught him. The Chef knew The Book. By this time he could make many dishes perfectly without even having to open The Book, he had viewed it's pages so many times. Other times he made a dish that he hadn't made in such a long time that he did open The Book to be reminded of the ingredients and all the instructions to gain perfection of the dish.

One day, the Chef found himself in a new city. He went to a different grocery and he took them back to a different house, with a different kitchen, a different stove and  a different set of tools for making the dishes. Even some of the ingredients were different than what he was used to.  Likewise, even the people who ate his food were different. The Chef was not concerned. Why should it matter? He thought of a recipe from The Book that he knew well. He went to his new, different kitchen and began to create the dish. He didn't need to open The Book. It was a dish he had made successfully many times before. Oddly, though, the dish did not turn out. He thought that maybe he had forgotten a step. So, the next day the Chef made the same dish; but this time he opened The Book and followed the directions. When it was finished he gave it a taste. It didn't necessarily taste bad; but it wasn't the same. He couldn't put his finger on it exactly; but he knew it wasn't quite right. The Chef was slightly baffled because this dish had come easily to him in the past. The Chef more or less ignored the problem. He offered several excuses for why the dish wasn't quite right. Maybe he was tired. This new city was hot and he just wasn't thinking clearly. He recalled being interrupted a few times during the making of the dish. He could have been too distracted.

Then day after day, from that point on, the Chef attempted to make the dish. And each time he made it, something was off. He could never put his finger on it; but it wasn't the dish he remembered from before. He tried making it by memory. He tried reading and following each instruction step by step like he used to do when he was just a child, learning. He invited fellow Chefs, whom he had met and grown to trust, over to offer solutions. The other chef friends had the same Book and knew all the answers just like him. In fact, when they made the dish for the Chef to show him how it was done, it was just as he remembered it. So savory and perfectly delectable. The Chef was encouraged by this. When his friends left, the Chef went to make the dish again. Yet, again, when he made it, it did not turn out. The Chef had moments of tears and frustration. He felt like a failure. How could he fail at this dish? He KNEW how to make it. He followed the instructions. His friends were making it and it always seem to turn out for them. Why couldn't he succeed? The Chef began to think that his entire, cooking days were all for nought. What was the point of all he had learned if, now, he could not be successful with what seemed like the easiest of tasks?

The Chef stopped trying for several days. But, though he stopped trying in the kitchen, the problem weighed on his mind almost day and night. Sometimes he could not even sleep. The Chef had one friend who was not a chef. He had some cooking experience; but didn't make anything real fancy. He just made normal dishes that sometimes worked out and sometimes didn't. But, the friend was always happy and positive. The Chef finally opened up to his friend about the dish. He explained the situation. The friend, at first, wasn't sure what advice he could give. So, he told the Chef the "right" answer, "You have the Book." The friend said. "Read The Book. Study it. Know it. Be it. Then you can make the dish." The Chef was disappointed at this advice and admitted, "I have done all this. I have The Book. I know The Book. I know everything that Book says. I see my other other chef friends using The Book and having success. Even if someone else asked me how to make this dish, I could tell them word for word because I know The Book so well."

The friend considered this. There was silence for a moment. Finally, the friend spoke up again, "The Book has the right answers, yes. Ideally, you should be able to read The Book, follow the instructions, and your dish will turn out. But, you have tried this time and time again and still your dish does not turn out. Sometimes..." The friend continued, "you have to discover what the recipe in The Book really means for you. What worked for your to make this recipe before may not be how you need to make it now. Things are different now. You have a new and different life, here. How can you apply what you know to get the dish that you want to make?" The friend continued with an example. "When I come to a dish I want to make, I can look up your Book and find the recipe. But, for me, it is complicated. I don't really understand all the instructions. I don't let that stop me. I find the end result that I'm looking for and using your Book as a guide, I make it fit my own needs at my own level. I find a way to make my dish in a way that makes sense to me. In doing this, I always receive the result I'm looking for."

For the first time, the Chef realized that maybe it was ok if he stepped outside of the bounds of what was expected of a Chef in his past, chef community. Just because all his other chef friends, not to mention his father and his father before him, did it the traditional way, didn't mean that he couldn't make his own adjustments to make the dish fit his needs, now, in his new city with the many differences he faced. And so the Chef pulled out The Book again. He set it on the counter and this time he also grabbed a pen. He began to take out ingredients. The knives he used now were different. So, when the recipe called for an ingredient to be chopped a certain way, the Chef made an adjustment with his pen in The Book and chopped them in a way that made sense to him with the knives he had in his new kitchen. The recipe required a certain heat for a certain amount of time. But the Chef's stove was different. He made an adjustment with his pen in The Book and used a setting on his stove that made sense to him based off of the different equipment he was using. The recipe called for an ingredient that was made a little different in the new city. So, the Chef made an adjustment with his pen to add a little more of something else to balance the taste. It made sense to him to make this change. When the dish was complete, the Chef took a bite......It was good! He sat down and finally relaxed. He realized that each recipe that he had learned in his Chef environment with other, like-minded Chefs was going to have to be tweaked. He was different now, in a different city and everything was different. The Chef could still value the recipes he loved; but he had to adjust in a way that made sense to him so that he could be successful.

This story, or analogy, is based off true events. The people in this story are real, though names have been left out to protect the innocent. :) It's a story about how I feel about my Spirituality on a regular basis. Just because I know the solutions to my problems doesn't make me successful. Just because I have the answers doesn't mean I know how to apply them. Just because I can give someone else great advice about matters in their life, doesn't mean my own advice can be easily applied back on my own life. Why? Why does it come so easily for some people to be determined and successful. Yet, for me, I feel like a continual failure who makes one mistake after another. And when I try to get back on track, when I try to apply what I KNOW from my own Book, it doesn't take. It's true that a friend in my life suggested to me the idea of adjusting. I need to no longer rely on the traditions of my past. It may not actually apply to me now. I'm very different now. I'm a single mom, living alone, doing it alone. What are the basic commandments? How do I apply them to my life where I'm at without comparing to others? In a way, I'm starting from scratch. I'm taking what I absolutely know for sure and have no doubt to be true and finding how it applies to me in my life.

Phase of life: Weird

No matter how old you are in life, there are just some circumstances that require you to need your mom. I'm a pretty big girl and maybe other girls my age are handling things on their own. I'm sure some of them don't even have a mom for one reason or another. But, I'm not ashamed to say that when life turns weird....and I mean, haven't a single idea, thankful to be a Christian so I can rely on God kind of weird....I miss my mom like never before. Partly because my mom, through all my life, has not just been a mother. She has been a friend. I'm reminded of a poem I wrote for my mom when she was "retiring" from homeschooling all 5 of us children. I will not share said poem with you because only heaven knows where it's archived within my computer. But, it's about the memories I had of my mom growing up. They weren't memories of the things she taught me as a mother; but rather the things she taught me as a friend.

Today...this week...this month, I'm longing for my mom to be here and I'm starting to wonder if there will ever come a time where we are just living together for the long term. My house is in disarray today. Unlike other days' disarray-ments, (it's a word if you think about it) today it's a mess because I'm preparing to move. The funny thing is, I prepared to move when I had personally decided I needed to move. I felt like I couldn't afford to live here anymore and was going to move my family of 3 plus 2 cats and a dog into a one bedroom apartment. I gave my notice with property management that I would move out by the 1st of April (2017). Two days later, after sleepless night of tossing and turning over the idea, I finally re-worked my budget and told my property management that I had changed my mind. A few days after that (yesterday) they called me back and informed me that the owners of the home actually wanted to sell the house and so I would have to move out after all.

This is one of those situations where you don't know whether to laugh or cry or pack a few belonging, change your names, and live on the run. I chose to laugh....at first. Luckily, I hadn't unpacked anything yet and had started a garage sale so I felt a little ahead of the game. The matter of where to go is what started to make me feel overwhelmed. I'm not great at making decision on my own. I can't really remember an important decision in life that I HAVE made on my own. Yet, this time I truly felt like I was on my own, humanly speaking. No one was going to swoop in and just tell me what to do, where to move or how to pay for it. As the day went on, I not only was recovering from flu-like symptoms (I had the flu shot), but I also finally started to feel the pressure of all that needed to be done. My laughter turned to tears.

I rather like these phases of life, in a way. It puts me in a place where I HAVE to fully rely on God. I can't even really open any doors. I crack a few windows at this point and God, in his infinite wisdom and power, has to somehow let me know which crack to seep through.

Let's not forget that I also didn't get my tax return this year due to some dumb mistakes several years ago. The return got garnished by a collection agency. So, I'm $7000 poorer than I expected to be at this point. It's also my year to pay for the girls' spring break trip, which takes place end of next week. God has really shown that He is going to provide. So, I'm not necessarily worried. And in a way, doing this alone is part of a prayer I prayed a while back that I would learn how to be alone. Why I prayed that is beyond me. It's funny how God answers the prayers we regret praying sometimes. But, I jest. I'm actually thankful for the lessons and the growth that will come out of this for me.

In short, (and trust me, this is the short version) I just miss my mom. I wish she could be here and I know she wants to be. Between her husband, parents and four other kids I really don't know why I have to share ;) But, I know my mom is praying for me and quite honestly, if someone is going to pray and get their prayers answered, it's going to be my mom. So, I'm thankful that she is doing that. If it is all that she can or would do, it would be enough.

Over and out.