Finding God's truth for me

Jason and I want to have another Baby. But, I'm trying to find what God wants me to do about my medicine and such while I'm pregnant. I considered going off of medicine and trying to use a therapist to help with my depression.

I John 4:5 They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them.

I believe the therapist is out unless I kind find a Christian one, which in the past has not been easy. I would consider a Pastor, but I'm not sure that's really the Pastor's job to help me through my depression. So I continue reading to see what else God wants to tell me.

Another thing I've been praying about is my fear. I fear a lot of things. I fear the future and what is going to happen in our lives. I fear what giving myself completely over to the Lord means.

I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

I'm not exactly sure how I can apply this to my life yet as I've always felt I was a loving sort. But, I think if I keep searching I'll find that maybe bitterness, anger, or pain is getting in the way of the true love I am supposed to have for God and my family.

I John 4:20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

Yesterday in my Bible reading I learned that keeping the commandments of God will also help with my depression, love, fear, anxiety, ect.

I John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.

I started a list of commandments which of course included the 10 commandments and other other commandments I've come across in my Bible reading. I am going to keep them in my Bible as a reminder of the way I should be conducting myself on a daily basis. I think this will really help.

For my faith:

I John 5:4-5 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?

I believe Jesus is the Son of God, so why don't I have more faith?

On a day like this, you just have to laugh

Yesterday, our snowy, slippery day started out with Emma coming in our bed early in the morning and falling back asleep. When the family did wake up several hours later, Emma had peed through her diaper. We already had a pile of pee-type soiled blankets, sheets and clothes hanging out underneath the RV waiting to be washed so the morning's situation forced us to finally take the laundry to the laundry mat. He had been putting it off because we were not sure if the car would make it through the snow. As we headed down hill to the quiet city of Anacortes, Jason and I both looked at each other at the same time with a look that said, "We're never getting back up this hill."

We started the worst of the blankets with the last of our laundry soap and then went to Safeway with $11 to our name (not counting quarters for laundry) to get more soap. We spotted the cheapest thing, I checked to make sure it wasn't fabric softner and we headed back to the laundry mat.

We started the last load, poured in the soap and then watched it for a minute. The soap seemed really weird. Jason looked at the soap bottle and sure enough it was, in fact, fabric softener. (Written in very small letter, I might add.) I was pretty upset about this; little did I know it was not the worst to come in our day. We used some of our quarters to get some soap from the machine and poured it in. I gave the fabric softener to a lady sitting near by as I never use the stuff.

We were starving at this point and had passed a Little Caesar's $5.99 pizza sign so we walked down to it and got ourselves a Pizza with the last of our money. Emma was very cold from walking in the wind at this point so Jason carried her back as I half ran, half walked back to the laundry mat in attempts to keep the pizza warm.

An hour or so later, the laundry was done, folded and ready to put in the car. Jason started to take it out and then suddenly he came bursting back in the door, angry as could be, stating he didn't have the car keys which were most recently in his left jacket pocket.

I assumed they couldn't have gone far. He re-traced his steps and I looked around the car, laundry and my own pockets. Twenty minutes later he came back with no success. He tried again. Nothing. I decided I would go give it a go, seeing how I had found the back of my mother's earring in the grass when I was younger, I always felt I had a sense for finding a needle in a hay stack. I also did not find the keys and even flagged down an officer who took down our information and stopped traffic to look in the road where we had crossed the street.

Jason made several attempts to find the key again after that. We checked with all the open businesses along the way. I texted a friend to cancel a play date with her and she offered to come pick us up. I accepted her offer gratefully.

As we were waiting for her to arrive, I received a phone call from another good friend who was near tears asking me to come pick up her dogs. Apparently she had fallen and broken both her wrists while running errands with her dogs.

I sighed inside myself knowing that I would have to put my taxi friend out of her way to help us get to my fallen friend's car. Two hours later, I finally arrived to rescue the dogs.

We headed back home, got the dogs settled in, ate some dinner and then headed to the hospital to spend some time with our friend. Jason and I managed to maintain relatively good attitudes through it all. In spite of the fact that on top of all this, each morning we've had to take a blow dryer to our water pipes. Nothing we do is keeping them from freezing over. We had planned to pick up an old mattress from storage after the laundry to use as insulation. Of course, that never happened.

So, this morning starts with a text from my friend saying she'll have to have surgery this afternoon. Water pipes frozen again. Jason is out thawing the water, Bagheera is watching him from a window, Emma is watching 5 minutes of a movie and then switching to a new one, (she figured out how to change her own movies which has it's perks) and I'm struggling to focus on my Bible reading.

In stead, I think I will get the dishes ready for washing and then shut myself in Emma's room for prayer time instead. We have much to think about as a replacement key is far more than we can afford. Thank God the base has been closed due to snow so Jason has not had to work and since our friend fell, we have been using her car to get around. Curse us and buying that Camero! Lesson's learned.

(DNP - Did not proof read)

I'm wide awake at 0428 in the morning

The rain coming down in not so rhythmic force on the roof of the camper is more soothing than anything else. It's the snow melting off the trees and hitting the roof with a bang and an echo, it's the stray we picked up two nights ago to re-home scratching his ear continually through out the night, it's Pida shaking in fright when the snow hits the roof and jingling her collar, its the many many thoughts running through my head that are keeping me awake.

I was wide awake when we turned the lights off to go to sleep at 11 last night. I'm not sure if I drifted to sleep at all since that time. I made my eyes tired by playing solitaire on my phone. I might have drifted for a couple hours then. Jason tossed and turned next to me. I'm sure he'll get up for work in the morning with complaints of not sleeping well, too.

I grabbed my robe and Sniff and headed to the bathroom. When I entered I saw a blob of white on the blob of purple with my blinded eye sight. Upon leaning closer to see what it was, it was my daughter's diaper (on the purple bathroom rug). I laughed half-heartedly to myself as I realized that though Emma refuses to use the bathroom and continues to wear diapers, when she DOES use the potty she can do it all on her own. Last night, she told me she had to use the potty so I told her to go do it. She took her diaper off, got up on the toilet with out a stool, and wiped when she was done. The only thing she left out was flushing. Yet, during the day, even when I put her in panties she'll refuse to use the potty, soil her panties and continue playing like nothing had happened. I'm at a loss here. What stubbornness.

The thought keeping me awake the most this morning was "How on earth can I bathe the stray?" Jason seems very unsettled with that fact that he smells although I barely notice the smell myself. He's an older lab mix with seemingly hip problems as we have to carry him up the stairs to our camper. With who knows what medical issues behind him, I find we'll be lucky to find him a home quickly on craigslist. His catfood diet can not be healthy for him either. We can not keep him, though it was considered. He's a great dog for inside the camper. He just lays around, is patient when he needs to go out, and is proving to be easily trainable. But with most definite medical needs for his age, the fact that he can't climb the stairs, and because my parents would simply lose their mind if I tried to bring a dog to Arizona this March, we have decided not to keep him. Oh, if only Jason and I both didn't have bleeding hearts for an animal in need. Many posts and inquiries later, we have had no luck tracking down an owner. And back to my original issue, how can I bathe him and make it more pleasant for Jason? I really don't think I should let all that hair go down our shower drain, although we have that tank always open for draining. Jason has already forbidden the shower option. He's a good sized dog so I'm not sure that I could fill enough small bowls I have laying around the house with warm water to do a thorough job outside. If I had a water girl to fill the bowl and bring it back as I washed, maybe. But, alas, Emma is not quite big enough for that task. So, the sleepless night continues.

I was busily writing away in my screenplay while Jason read last night before we went to bed and I still have thoughts on the matter so I suppose I will continue writing until I get tired of squinting and leaning forward to see what I'm writing. (I was reprimanded for wearing a very very old glasses perscription. The doctor told me not to wear them anymore or else my eyes will continue to get worse. I have yet to purchase a new pair and my contacts have to sit 6 hours before I can put them back in. So, I go blind) Then, I'll probably make Jason a lunch so I don't have to get up again when his alarm goes off. Providing I am back in bed, tired and/or sleeping by that time. He's leaving an hour earlier due to snow.

Killing Time

I have mixed feelings about busy days. Jason is working in the evenings this week so Emma and I have spent a lot of time at the convergence zone (indoor play ground) waiting for him to get off of work. Yesterday we were here for 4 hours. I got a lot of writing done in my screen play. Today, we have another four hours here until I have to go to a dog training class. I'm trying to fiddle around on the computer before getting started with my writing, but there just are not many more websites I can fiddle around on for 8 hours.

Emma is struggling with being spoiled after being sick. She could get away with murder when she's sick and even though she's only sick for a day, it takes her a week to realize she's not going to get spoiled anymore. So far we've had crying fits about needing mac n cheese, her shoe falling off in the car, wanting Dad to put her blanket over her legs even though it was in perfect reach of her, and losing the cat's fish toy. It's kind of cute and funny but certainly unacceptable for the not-so-sickly. Jason, is trying very hard to fight off the same thing Emma got. A weekend isn't long enough for his body to allow itself to get sick.

My dog training class this morning did not go over great. I often feel like I do not have a clue what I'm doing. I look forward to the day I feel completely confident in my skills. I would sure feel better if I didn't have to train with treats. Oh, well.

This week I'm working on Psalms 31:24 "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."

I asked the Lord to help me feel unafraid and this morning he showed me this verse. I have a lot of worries in this time in my life and it is a good time for me to practice leaving it up to God and letting him take control. Because I certainly don't have a clue what to do!

A Leap of Faith

This evening I was feeling heavy hearted. My sickies were in bed resting. I had a deep desire to just go out in the crisp air and walk. As usual on a lone walk at night, here amongst the trees, I felt the urge to Pray to the Maker of it all.

Sunday service was so good this morning as it has been every week we have gone. I went to church by myself since Jason and Emma were sick. Pastor Parr is so knowledgable of the Bible, I am swimming in new information and more revelation than I can handle. Today he talked about how to grow in good ground. One of his points was that remembering what you learn about God will help you to grow in the good soil. I had to stop and really think about that because so often I go home after church, consider the message maybe through lunch and then forget all about it even though it might have been one that spoke to me deeply. It was really bothering me that I could so easily forget about the amazing things of God that I learned in church.

I was thinking about this on my walk. I felt as if I could not continue walking until I took some time to just concentrate on praying to God. I found an empty RV lot towards the back of the park and sat down at a picnic table that graces each lot. I had ever greens behind me, empty lots to either side, the path I had just taken in front of me and tall, tall pine trees in between it all. The sky was clouded over, but the full moon still shown through. I was overwhelmed with God's greatness and I began singing hymns. I sang It is Well with My Soul and Count your Blessings and then started in on a song I wrote as a child years ago that talked about being thankful to God for everything he made.

Suddenly, new lyrics starting coming to my mind and I ended up finishing the song right then and there. I was so happily singing that I didn't want to stop and I decided to continue my prayer in psalm. I felt a certain closeness to King David as I started singing out a prayer to God. As I sang and prayed I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. This night felt different. I somehow felt that if I didn't make a major change in my life before going back to the camper I would never have another chance to do so again. I admitted to God that I had many fears when it came to giving my life completely over to Him and little faith. But, I knew that it was time. I had felt the burden in my heart for several weeks now. I was often afraid of losing my family or even my own life and I knew it was God trying to get me to a point of no return. I asked Him to help me grow a mustard plant so that I could gather mustard seeds. I told him that I would stop taking my depression medicine and I would let him heal me. I fearfully agreed to doing whatever it took to give my life completely over to Him, even if it meant trouble with my family not being on board with my decision. I have little faith, but I DO know that God is bigger than my lack of faith and certainly bigger than all my problems. I DO know that God will not give me a trial I can not handle. So, I took a leap of faith and I promised to let God lead my life fully from here on out.

Upon this decision I felt a sudden feeling of anxiety rush through my body. I was back at the camper by this time. I knew I needed to immediately read in my Bible and write in my diary and have some alone time with God before I could do anything else. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I knew I had given up control of my life. It was a very scary notion for me as a very controlling person. I couldn't help but start crying as I imagined the future trials I would face with not being able to control what happens in my life anymore, but having faith that God will lead me where I need to go and show me what I need to be shown.

In a small camper, I couldn't hide my emotions from my family. They joined me in the dark room at the back end of the camper. I told Jason my decision to give my life completely to God and I told him how scared I was to do so. Jason lectured me on the goodness and greatness of God and faith. He reassured me that I had his support. He told me to take it one step at a time.

About this time little Emma piped up. She said, "It's not big steps. It's little steps. Sometimes I go to bed and I sleep and I wake up scared. But I pray to God. God lives in the sky and He keeps us safe." (This is near verbatim)

I started balling with joy as my little daughter was telling me about the safety of the Lord, sharing her own personal story, and suggesting that my next steps are just little steps. Oh, Lord, give me the faith of my precious child.

Jason and I laughed and hugged and Jason said, "I think you can see you have the full support of the whole family."

We read Ephesians 1-3 as suggested by our Pastor and I wrote out my new song in my diary so I won't forget it. I feel much better now that my family is on board. I'm still afraid and tomorrow scares me the most because tomorrow is a new day full of new opportunities to mess up. Tomorrow is a test of not having my medicine for the first time. I expect there to be trials, but I look forward to the challenge. I know where to read in my Bible and I know how to pray. Tomorrow is the start of a new walk for me.

Thoughts of the day

Emma always touches my heart, but this morning she really touched it good. She asked me to come out and give her breakfast. When I came into the kitchen, her little tiny body was sitting at the table. Her legs were out straight and she looked like a tiny little adult. I got her some cereal, but she didn't really eat it. She kept laying down on the bench. I asked her if she didn't feel good but she didn't say. Eventually she went up to her bed to watch a movie. I would normally start school but I'm not feeling great, emotionally, myself this morning so I'll let her rest up there for a while as I pull myself together. I don't know what's going on with me this morning. Last few days I've just felt like crying for no reason. I'm switching to a different type of medicine that is safe for babies should Jason and I decide to have another child which is definitely on our minds.

Lately, I have been thinking that I would buy gifts for people through out the year and then just send out cards and family update letters or pictures for Christmas. I do my Christmas shopping all year round. I already have a gift for my Dad and the next gift giving holiday for him isn't until June. I used to have a chest for gifts, but since we moved into the RV I don't have that space anymore. At the same time, I can see myself coming up on Christmas and still buying people things. Plus, there's always that one family member that I just don't find anything for at all the entire year and if I don't purposely go out looking for a gift they probably wouldn't get one.

Jason and I have both been missing our old dog, Admiral, a lot. He was such a great pup! We wanted to get out of that old house so badly that we didn't think very far into the future and we acted pretty selfishly. We are both wishing we would have kept him. With those thoughts in mind we've been talking about getting another dog. We did an extensive search of dog breeds the other day and found our favorites. We can't get another Great Dane if we want to stay in this camp ground. They don't allow big dogs because of insurance issues, but don't EVEN get me started on how ridiculous that is. I will try to remain pleasant in this blog.

With out any encouragement from me, Jason decided we each needed our own dog. The Lee family can be quite the resource hogs. We like to each have our own pets to cuddle with at night and play with during the day. I can not get my dog until we have a truck because we can not pay for pet care during Jason's deployments when I travel and I don't have any intention of staying in WA so I'll have to wait until we can pull our camper to and fro. Jason is thinking of getting his dog when he transfers to shore duty so that he has more time bonding with it. I'm very thankful for a husband who has a love of animals and is willing to let the family be over flowing with pets. If I had my way I'd already have this RV full of more pets. I've been missing having a rabbit too. It's hard to be an animal lover "on the go."

I have a new dog training client. I start work with her 8 month old Boer Boel (A south American dog that looks part pit bull, part mastiff, has a great personality and beautiful coat!) tomorrow. We are meeting two times a week for socialization and obeying on first command. She has purchased my off leash training program. I'm very nervous about this as it's my first real client to do the off leash training. I often feel like I don't really know what I'm doing and I wish I had a dog of my own to practice on. I like to go practice on the shelter dogs, but there's only so much a dog can learn in a few hours. I am excited my website is getting noticed on google, though and happy to have more dog training business. It's an odd feeling being busy with my own business. For such a long time it was just the Daschounds and they were starting to feel more like family. Their owner was very laid back with the training. The busier I get with my own business, the harder it is for Jason and I to realize that we won't always have as much time together. Especially when he starts school and working at the same time, it's going to be tough to have time together.

My eyes are tired. Shere Khan is sleeping next to me. The camper is warm and cozy. We cleaned up yesterday so today will most likely be a lazy day until Jason gets home. When he gets home I am meeting an artist to see some prototype pictures he's drawn for my screen play. I'm excited for this!

It's been good talking to you all and sharing my thoughts of the day. Hope you are all having wonderful Tuesdays.