God created her, I carried her, now she is my happiness and my laughter.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Desert Christmas

Emma and I arrived at my parent's house in Vail, Arizona the beginning of December. People, I can not fully express how overjoyed I felt as I immediately started in helping my mom with her busy schedule and going outside with out jackets. I knew I despised Washington, or to be more specific, Oak Harbor; but what I realized was that my love for Arizona is as strong or stronger than my hatred for Washington. All I can say is Emma and I are both extremely happy to be here. And, yes, I know Emma is happy too. I can not express enough how amazed I am at the difference in her nature since we have been here. In the camper, there was always a lot of whining and clinging and complaining and disobedience (from me too, I might add); but here Emma has been an angel. I had no idea she even had it in her. She has been going to bed, including naps, with out a fuss. She has been happy and playful with all members of the family. She has been polite and complimented by others about her politeness at church. She really is a whole new side to my daughter that I did not know she had. I can guarantee you this behavior has come out of her because she now has room to run and play. She's not cooped up for months on end due to rainy days, playing in 37 feet of space. She has friends here at church and school (I put her in a child development center at church two days a week) that she is really enjoying and learning with. I couldn't get her to be interested in her ABC's to save my life, but now that all her friends are doing it....well, she didn't want to be left out. (Should I be concerned?) I'm certainly not concerned that she is doing so well learning. Her teachers at the CDC have been great. A day has yet to go by where I'm not shocked at the way Emma and I are feeling here. I've felt an actual Joy in my heart since I've arrived. My Sunday school teacher has been going over the fruits of the spirit. He talked about joy last week and how joy was happiness outside of circumstances. When he explained it like that I realized I haven't experienced true joy in months, maybe even years. To feel my heart so uplifted in joy as I started getting back into church, Bible, prayer, activities, warm weather....it's just more than I can be thankful for in one day.

I've also enjoyed watching Emma prepare for Christmas. Her school class hosted a Christmas party for the parents last Friday. I have to admit it was kind of fun getting all the little gifts Emma had made for me at school. The CDC has been so great for Emma. I don't feel guilty not being the teacher when she's there. I feel like she's learning such great things and because it's at the church she is also getting in lessons about God. It's exactly the kind of school I would have hoped for Emma if she were ever not to be home schooled. She also did such a great job decorating the tree, wrapping gifts, and helping with the baking. I love this age where they actually want to help out and really enjoy it. She's so excited for Christmas. Jampa had a birthday with gifts, Liz had a birthday with gifts and Emma can barely stand it. She so badly wanted it to be her birthday yesterday when we celebrated Liz's birth. She went to our Christmas countdown and put the count on the 25th and then ran into the living room saying, "It's Christmas!"

Perhaps due to pregnancy emotions or just for once not feeling so selfish and depressed, I've started thinking a lot about if I didn't have Emma in my life. The slightest things put me in a scare and I worry that I won't see her again. It also could be partly sending her off to school for the first time. Even Jason felt it out at sea. Our little girl growing up. It brings tears to my eyes even now as I think about the innocence that will soon be ruined by this wicked world, the dealings with bullies and insecurities she's likely to face and the teen years which I can only assume will be awful as punishment to me for my own teen years. But God is so, so good and gracious and I know he'll watch over my newly acquired little angel :) I'm not really the type to worry, but I can't help but want to be so cautious with my special Tiny Tyke, especially after the recent school shootings, ect.

The last couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I don't hear from Jason often and while I do ok with that for the most part, I think deep down it affects me. It would be nice to hear from him out side of "work talk" and to know he's thinking of us. The ships usually try to pull in for Christmas and so far we have not been able to webcam, but hopefully he'll have better service if they do pull in. Today I read in a devotional about how your focus leads your thoughts and essentially your actions. I find that to be true with how I think about Jason. If I focus on the negative things in our current situation or relationship, I will start thinking poorly of him, us and our circumstances. But, if I can remain focused on the good things in all of that then I can have pleasant thoughts and in turn not be grumpy.

I can't believe that it's the 23rd already. I'm so excited to put Emma's stocking out tomorrow night. I wonder if Emma will be old enough this year to comprehend getting up and opening her stocking in the wee hours. I want to watch her open her stocking, but I'm going to tell her she can go open it when she wakes up and hopefully I'll hear her get up. Of course, tonight is our traditional Scrooge tape night with all the traditional Christmas snacks. Mom might finally let me eat the sugar cookies. Apparently, I was banned from eating them until tonight. The tree is full of presents. A good majority of them are for Emma and I can't wait to watch her open them. I feel awful that Jason has to miss out. This is such a fun age for Emma and she is so cute as she does things consciously for the first time. I will send him videos and pictures, though. This morning I was able to send him a picture of the baby kicking. It was just one kick and hopefully he'll be able to see it. I think he'll enjoy that. I am 22 weeks along right now and starting to feel a LOT of movement. This one is a kicker.

Every day I have to remember to just enjoy each day as they come. These days will not last and, though I have two more months here, I feel like it's not enough. Time is flying so quickly already. I hate that Jason coming home means so many "negative" things for us; but I am just going to enjoy every moment we have here. I know if I pray about it, God will help strengthen me and give me more love for my husband than hatred for Washington. The good news is, Jason got approved to transfer, so we only HAVE to spend one more year there. Many future events could change just how long we have to stay there, but we are hopeful for a speedy departure.

Until then, I pray God will continue to work in my life, making me the wife and mother I need to be for my family. And I'm going to take these Arizona blessings as they come my way!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Christmas Nana

Emma was so excited yesterday to pick up Nana. The house was a real disaster Saturday morning. It had been a couple weeks since I had done a very thorough cleaning. But, the family was very helpful in getting ready for the arrival of Nana. Emma's room could not even be stepped into, it was so messy. I told her to clean her room and a look of dismay clouded over her face. So, I tried a different approach. I said, "Why don't you clean your room since we have to pick up Nana today." She got the biggest smile on her face! She said, "Yeah, we have to get Nana so we can have Christmas."

We've been getting a lot of gifts in the mail over the last few weeks and Emma's been helping me wrap them. Since Jason is deploying before Christmas, we decided to have an early Christmas for just him. We got his gifts and he's getting ours. Nana Karen is involved in this early holiday, as well, since she happens to be here. Nana's arrival was the best gauge I had for telling Emma when we would be able to open the gifts. She's been a little confused though, because I've also been getting a few gifts for regular Christmas. I told Emma we would open those gifts when we were with Jammy. So, yesterday morning Emma kept saying we were going to have Christmas with Nana and then we were going to see Jammy and have Christmas with her.

I've always tried to be careful when I give Emma good news about something because I don't want her to get disappointed when something falls through. And as it turned out, while Nana was still coming, I told Emma way to early. We didn't have to go pick her up from the airport until the evening. We had several errands to run through out the day and every time we got back in the car, Emma said, "Let's just go get Nana." By three o clock, the house was very clean and we had three hours to wait before we could leave. So, Emma had to play with a minimal amount of toys for three hours straight. She did a pretty good job, though. And it was great having the Nana excuse. "No, don't get that out because we have to go get Nana." And every time I would say something like that Emma would regain her excitement. She was a very giddy girl all evening.

On the way to the airport, Emma slept. I was thankful she was getting in a little nap. The drive is two hours so it was a pretty good rest for her and she definitely needed it. She was starting to get grumpy and sassy towards the end of the evening. We left earlier than we needed to out of boredom and now that we live in Anacortes it doesn't take as long to get to the airport. So, we arrived really early and had to wait in the waiting lot. I had a nasty headache by this time and Jason was exhausted. Emma, however, was wide awake. Jason and I tried to get a little nap in while Emma sat patiently in the back for us to make our move.

Fortunately, Nana's plane arrived early. Poor Emma thought we were going to be getting on a plane. So  she was a little disappointed when we simply pulled up to the curb. There were these rent-a-cops on these little scooters directing traffic right where we were supposed to pick up Karen. So, we couldn't park it and we didn't see her at first. We drove off to drive around again and as we were driving off we got a phone call from Karen saying, "Wait! I'm here!" (Those are my words.)

We finally picked Nana Karen up in the truck. Emma was beside herself with glee. She was giggling uncontrollably and, of course, talking up a storm. There was so much she had to get Nana caught up on. The life of a three year old is so busy. I had to chime in every so often to explain the context of what Emma was talking about. As her mother, I've never felt confused with our conversations; but as she talked with someone who isn't around much it was amazing how "in the know" I am with Emma's ramblings. I had to explain how when Emma says "yesterday" she simply means, it happened in the past. It could be as early as an hour ago or a month ago. If you aren't around her that often, it can be hard to decipher.

Emma's main topic of conversation was how she was scared of owls. She had lots of questions as to whether Karen was scared of owls when she was a kid and she proceeded to tell Karen that God will keep you safe from the owls. I also had to explain Emma's thinking on God, though, because as Emma was telling Karen about God, I realized how confusing it could be if you didn't know Emma. She went through this owl phase (which I thought was over) where every night she was waking up scared of owls. I told her that if she woke up scared, all she had to do was pray to God and ask him to watch over her and keep her safe. Emma would complain about how that wouldn't work because God isn't here. So, I explained how God is here, though we can't see him. I told Emma that he lived in Heaven which was part of the sky, but it was so high up past the clouds that we couldn't see him. Emma took that to mean, the Moon. Since then, I'm starting to discover that Emma is less scared when the moon is out. If the moon is hidden by the clouds or not there, she asks a lot of questions about where the moon is and corresponds it with God. It's kind of cute. And I think it's precious the way her mind is trying to figure out God. I think the connection she has made with God and the moon is kind of neat and I can see how as a kid, it would be comforting to think of it in that way.

Karen decided to spend the first night with us in the RV so she didn't have to check into her hotel late. Our pull out couches don't pull out right now. We took away that feature so that we could have a more comfortable couch. So, she bunked with Emma last night. As Jason and I laid in bed doing our nightly routine, we hear Emma chattering away at Nana and for all the traveling she did, Nana seemed to be pretty cheery in her responses. But, then Nana got quieter, Emma was singing, then Emma was talking, then back to singing and finally silence. So much exciting, new activity for our little Tiny. The next ten days are going to be a whirl wind of...Emma. She gets so overwhelmed with excitement and energy when Nana visits. Jason and I look forward to our free and very willing babysitter for a couple date nights while she's here.

Now, how will I explain to Emma that, though Nana is here, we still can't do Christmas for a few days?

Monday, November 12, 2012

Questions about Dad

Found some questions to ask Emma about Daddy.
1. How old is Dad? Big

2. What color is Dad's hair and eyes? Hair: black Eyes: Green (I think she's right. I don't even know ha ha)

3. What does Dad like to wear? Ships, when I go to Jammy's and I see my cousins.

4. What does Dad like to eat? Chicken

5. What makes Dad smart? Laughing

6. What does Dad work hard at? Ship

7. What does Dad always tell you? Get a time out (he doesn't say it that often, but I guess it stays in her mind lol)

8. What makes Dad happy? Laughing

9. Where would Dad go if he went on a trip and what would he take with him? He would go on a boat and take Emma (so, sweet)

10. What do you love about your Dad? Not going on a trip

11. What would you give your Dad? Chicken and bread

(I asked Emma number 12 and she said, "Oh, my mother's calling" and ran off. I called her back.)

12. What is your favorite thing about Dad? Time outs.

Sometimes it just has to happen

I'm getting tired of allowing other people to affect my mood. And, sadly, it happens most often on facebook, a place I should be able to control. I don't really like people. I'm sorry, but it's true. I never have. I have always been an animal person. I will take a good pet over a friend any day of the week. I like a little companionship here and there, but I like it on my terms. I don't like keeping up with friends and frankly, there are few people out there that truly believe and think the same way I do. Trying to hang out with someone who doesn't share the same thoughts and ideas is just annoying. I'm a very opinionated person and I have no qualms about telling someone exactly what I think. I've learned how to be nice and tone it down for society, but at the end of the day, if your simply irritating me to no end, I'm just going to tell you. If you decide that my comments warrant that we can't be friends anymore, I hate to break it to you, but I don't care. That's just one less person I have to be annoyed by on a daily basis. I speak frankly right now because sometimes it's just time to say, "That's enough!"

And the time is now. I've had enough of liberal thinkers who want everyone to be treated fairly with no feelings hurt and get offended at every turn. I'm sorry, but that's just not the way it is. We were all born sinners. God sent his Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. We have the free will to accept that gift. God gave us the Bible as a guide. The Bible says "Let no man offend, thee." It also says no where that life should be fair. It's extremely clear. Heaven or Hell. God's way or man's way. And he even gave us the means of living a perfectly happy life with a happy ending in His Word. We have, but to put our selfish, carnal nature aside, believe it, accept it and do it. I struggle to do God's will every day. But I know His ways are true and right and I'm no longer going to be letting liberal thinkers affect me or my family.

I'm also doing away as best as I can with the uneducated and the insecure. These types affect my day to day thoughts and attitude even more so than the liberals. I could just scream at the parents who won't teach their children. The public school system is not cutting it. It gets worse by the year, though I won't rave too much on this matter as I haven't done all the research. But, I've done enough to know that future generations are simply doomed if left to the "public" to school them. Teenage mothers, drugs, and insecurities is what our future generation gets in public school, to name but a few. And even if you could teach your children to stay away from those things, education in it's self is in the dumps. A teenage girl called my phone by accident the other day and I was appalled by our conversation. She mumbled so badly that I could hardly understand her. She spoke as if she were on drugs and her attitude was that of rebellion to anything proper. I would have thought she was a 10 year old girl by the way she spoke with out any education in her speech at all.  I don't keep up with many online social groups, but I can tell just from facebook that no one knows anything about the English language anymore. And it's not surprising when half the game isle in Walmart is full of Spanish only games, kids TV programs are in English and Spanish as well as schools, airports, and other overly populated areas with spanish speaking people all catering to the Spanish language by putting Spanish translation first instead of English. I have a hard time finding the English directions anymore on anything I buy including food products. I'm all for learning another language, but lets master our own English language first. I do not speak as properly as English was meant to be spoken, but, I'll be damned if I don't at least teach Emma how to speak properly as well as writing properly. There's nothing more annoying than reading someone's uneducated letter, text, comment ect. Why, oh why don't people find this important anymore?

I'm also far less concerned with whether Emma has friends or is socially expectable than I am with her coming up with insecurities. Uneducated people (among others that I won't go into) like to prey on others by placing thoughts of insecurities in a kid's mind. People make fun of me because I say good grief, be quiet, that stinks and other "nicer" terms. Uneducated people want to feel smart (I guess) by trying to make you feel like an idiot if you don't swear or use the slang of the day. Emma is going to be smart, beautiful, firm in her foundation and firm in her beliefs. And when someone makes fun of her she's going to know how to handle it. I'm still deciding what I'm going to teach her to do or say. I wasn't bothered by bullies when I was a kid. I had a few bullies, but their taunting didn't keep me up nights. My parents, somehow, where able to teach us to be sure of ourselves. To this day, I really could care less what anyone thinks of me. I wear what I want to wear. I say what I want to say. And when peers pressure me I usually laugh at them because I know that all they really want is for me to dumb down to their level. When I was a kid it was nice to blame the parents, but as an adult I realized that I didn't want to do those things anyway. I won't even get started on Alcohol and how it's just a product used by uneducated people to make them feel better. If you don't drink too, then you're the idiot? The weird one? Correction: I'm educated and sure of myself and I can have a good time while being myself with out the help of some drug. I've never succumbed to the dumbing down of our generation and I will never allow Emma to be involved in it either.

Up until now, I've put up with these groups of people. I try to be nice. I try to understand. But, I don't understand. And I don't care about their feelings. I want to tell them they are idiots and move on with my day. I don't think it's very Christian like to tell someone they are an idiot, though, so I won't take it that far. But I can control other parts of my day that allow these groups of people to affect me and my family. Jason is just as fed up with it as I am. And I'm so proud of the lady I know Emma is going to become! I can hardly wait to start teaching her how to be a lady and stand above the idiots. :) It's going to be fun. We'll do lady classes and protocol classes. She'll have one or two good friends who encourage her in the right way and we'll be one happy, stress free family.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Questions I asked Emma

Pinterest had this fun idea to ask your kids a few question about yourself. Her answers at 3 years old were hilarious. I want to try and remember to do this each year.

1. What is something Mommy always says to you?
Daddy

2. What makes Mommy happy?
Bad

3. What makes Mommy sad?
Happy (I don't think she understands these emotions lol but she knows her opposites)

4. How does Mommy make you laugh?
After asking this question Emma just started laughing hysterically.

5. What was Mommy like as a child?
Walked to the store

6. How old is Mommy?
3

7. How tall is Mommy?
Huge (and she held her hands high in the air)

8. What is Mommy's favorite thing to do?
school (kind of true)

9. What does Mommy do when you're not around?
Be Grumpy (lol little does she know I go off and sleep and eat chocolate)

10. If Mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?
time out's (ha ha ha)

11. What is Mommy really good at?
Princess Celestia (A my little Pony character which was sitting on the table as I asked these questions lol)

12. What is Mommy not very good at?
flowers, plants, crowns, headbands, and hairties (huh, I thought I was pretty good at that stuff.)

13. What does Mommy do for her job?
books (kind of true)

14. What is Mommy's favorite food?
Speghetti-o's (her favorite)

15. What makes you proud of Mommy?
Helping her with her pumpkin

16. If Mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Princess Celestia

17. What do you and Mommy do together?
school

18. How are you and Mommy the same?
tall (true)

19. How are you and Mommy different?
puppies.....(ok)

20. How do you know Mommy loves you?
hugs (and she proceeded to hug me)

21. Where is Mommy's favorite place to go?
Washington (what?! It's probably the only "place" she knows to say lol)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

It's like the day after Thanksgiving

We are out of groceries and the Commissary, where we shop, is closed on Mondays for restocking. So, we got KFC last night even though it wasn't in our budget. :S  This morning I felt like I was serving Emma left overs from Thanksgiving dinner. The way I would cook it anyway. I was still in bed when I heard Emma tell her imaginary friends that she wanted mac and cheese and corn and white and feevy. (Which is to mean potatoes and gravy lol) 
This year we are having Thanksgiving dinner at The Farmhouse again. It's a restaurant kind of like Country Cupboard or Cracker barrel. Jason's getting everything he wants for Thanksgiving and Christmas at Thanksgiving because he'll be deployed over Christmas. That includes a very early Christmas with his mom and, of course, us. Other family members will be and will need to send his gifts by that time as well. He chose the Farmhouse because neither of us want to deal with cooking Thanksgiving dinner in the camper. I might still make my own green bean casserole, though because as I recall, last year theirs wasn't good.

Sleepless nights and a constant uncomfortable pregnant feeling makes for late mornings sleeping in. I've accepted this by now, though at first it was not easy as I'm usually an earlier riser. Last night I went to bed with a headache and an upset stomach. This morning when I got up to make Jason's lunch it had not gone away. I'm so thankful for a very patient daughter who can entertain herself for very long periods of time. 

Last night was so windy. We crack a window during stormy weather because I love listening to it at night. I was starting to fear for my plants and things outside, though. Everything is still in tact this morning. The sun is even starting to come out now, which is the first time in several days. I should take advantage by getting some more paint on the dog house.

Well, we tackled counting yesterday again to no avail. I've decided my daughter is just too smart for simple things like counting. If you show her a picture with a certain number of items on it and ask her how many it is, she answers correctly up to 3 items. But asking her to count individually is near impossible for her to do. I can only liken it to a mathematician who can not solve simple problems with out extravagant equations. I do desire an Einstein child :)

Emma's and my future is very uncertain for the next few months. Jason deploys in early December and time seems to be going way too quickly. I do so much look forward to being in Arizona, but I wish time didn't go so fast. I always feel rushed to do something romantic with him before he goes, but we either don't have the money or a babysitter or something keeps us from "dating." Then he goes and I have no memories to miss. We still have big purchases pending, too so I doubt we'll get to do anything special. It's also up in the air whether we will actually take the RV to Arizona. That has been the plan, but not taking it will save us so much money because we can stay at my mom's house. So we've started thinking about that option again. My holidays are all going to be messed up too. But, thankfully, my mom has the same traditions as me and I will really look forward to being in Arizona for Christmas for the first time. I can't believe I've never been there for the holidays. 

I have two pots with half cooked things in them sitting on the stove because I didn't realize I didn't have the ingredients to finish them. We got a few things last night from safeway so I need to finish making that stuff. I'm also going to try and make "rice" crispy treats with some other types of cereal because I have a bunch that isn't getting eaten. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Three Year Olds....So Silly

I love this age for Emma. Was thankful to be over the baby stage, two was fun watching her grow, but three is hilarious. Emma has so many funny things to say all the time. It's so silly how her mind works. She is so smart. Will outsmart Jason and I for sure if we aren't on our toes. Sometimes her smarts don't out weigh reality, though.
The other day she wanted me to do something and was telling me in a bossy manner. She said, "You have to listen to me because I'm a mom and your a child." I've been teaching her Ephesians 6:1. She's always trying to find ways to make me the child so I have to listen. She had also recently been playing like she was the mom of her dolls. So I said, "You may be the mom of your dolls, but your not my mom. You are my child. Jammy is my mom."
A couple days later Emma wanted me to do something else. She said, "You have to do it because I'm Jammy."

Emma takes after Jason with her memory of movies. After a few watches she can quote a movie almost to a tee. Lately she's been watching the Land Before Time. (Don't worry, she gets a lecture about creation vs. evolution before she watches it.) Sometimes she plays her own imaginary games with the movie characters.
We were all laying on the bed, bored as usually, playing games on our phones. Jason had his feet propped on the dresser from the bed making a leg-bridge that Emma decided to play on. She played around his legs for a while calling to her Land Before Time friends. Then, she got up on Jason's legs and looked down to the ground and shouted to some imaginary adversary "You don't come up here unless you want to fight, or something....You Grandma!" LOL Oh, Jason and I couldn't stop laughing.

That same day she and Jason were playing around. Jason would tell her to "Look at that," pointing at nothing. When she looked he would tickle her. She was really having fun with it, but learning quickly. She wanted to get him. So, she pointed and said, "What's that?" Jason looked, but when he looked back Emma was nowhere to be seen. In her excitement she had rolled herself backwards off the bed. We only knew from the faint cries below. Well, I knew. I was watching it all, but unfortunately I'm one to laugh when you fall so I wasn't being very helpful. Jason played caring daddy and Emma soaked it up. She fake cries as long as she can when she's been coddled.

Emma doesn't miss anything. Last night Jason wanted to poke me on my belly with my jump drive. And for some reason I had this fear like I was going to get shocked or something. So I was freaking out and trying to get away. Finally, he talked me into letting him do it, but as soon as he touched me with it, I screamed just in case. ha ha
Well, this morning Emma found the jump drive and said, "Can I touch you with this? It's not going to hurt you." I said, "No." She said, "It's really not going to burn you or scare you." lol She's such a silly kid. She's a really great care-giver and comforter. Lately, I've been crying a lot for no particular reason. She always comes up and gives me a hug and says, "Don't worry, Mom. The dinosaurs are not going to get you."

Emma comes in my room in the morning and goes through my side cubbie, playing with all my stuff. So, this morning when I was ready to get up she was holding her hand like she had something in it. I said, "Put that away." She looked at me weird and I said, "What is it?" She opened her hand and said, "A booger." LOL At least she doesn't wipe it on the walls.

I got up later than usual this morning, although I have been lazily sleeping in most mornings much later than I should. But, at least this morning I have an excuse for sleeping in. Last night, I probably only got a couple hours of REM sleep.
Jason was so tired, he feel asleep almost instantly when we went to bed around 10. He then proceeded to snore loud enough to be annoying. He hardly ever snores so I was really surprised. But, I was playing games on my phone waiting til I could fall asleep, so I let it go for a while. After a while, it was just ridiculous, though. I gave him a shove and it seemed to help.....for a couple seconds. For the next half hour or so I kept shoving him, trying to get him to roll over. When he sleeps, he really sleeps. (He's slept through an earthquake before, literally.)
I finally got him to stop snoring and after finding a comfortable sleeping position of my own, I fall asleep, fighting for my covers while Jason rolls around. It's not too much longer when an orange fuzzy thing decides to sleep on my head. (This happens quite often.) The problem with me is once I'm awakened out of my sleep, I'm pretty much awake again for another hour. So, I laid there half asleep with a cat-hat. Moments later, another cat decides my arm is a comfortable bed. I fall asleep again, eventually and the next thing I know, I'm cat-less and I have this strange feeling that they are getting into something. Most nights I'm awakened by some type of bang or crash from them running around knocking stuff over. Tonight, there is not so much a noise as much as the occasional scuttle from spot to spot.
Two nights ago, Bagheera learned how to knock the mouse cage off the shelf. So, we are keeping the mice on ground level now. (That was a huge, ridiculous mess!) And that's when I realized and my heart dropped. I jumped up, thinking of ways to tell Emma her mice had been eaten by the cats.
I found Bagheera stalking the corner of the camper under the fire extinguisher so I knew I had found a mouse, hopefully alive. Fortunately, my cats don't eat mice. They just like to chase them around. Scout was sitting scared as a....mouse under the extinguisher. I pushed the cats out of the way and put my blanket up in front of him. He immediately ran right into it.
I took him back to the cage. One of their tubes had been knocked off, I assume by the cats. My heart sank again thinking, "Oh, great. McSqueezy is somewhere running around, chewing on wires." I put Scout away and there was McSqueezy just sleeping away in the comfort of his own bed. He probably didn't even know he could escape. He's a couple months younger than Scout and Scout is Alpha so maybe Scout made him stay. ha ha I don't know. But I was glad he wasn't running around. The mice went in the bathroom and I went back to bed to lay awake til Jason's alarm went off. I get the best sleep after he goes to work.
The funniest part is when Jason comes home, I'm going to tell him the story and he's not going to know any of it happened. Half the time he doesn't believe my late-at-night stories especially the ones about him snoring and talking in his sleep lol. And he wonders why I'm so tired during the day.

Well, Emma's waiting to do some painting. We're painting some stuff for her schooling as well as the dog kennel. And we can't do that til we start laundry. So I better get at it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

New Baby

We have had a whirlwind of activities the last few months. Jason transferred to my old command which means he is deploying more frequently, but for shorter amounts of time. Emma and I have been going to Arizona while he is deployed to spend time with the family. We got involved in the church there and both fell in love with the Pastor, his wife and the church family.

Currently, however we are back in Washington. I, personally, am waiting patiently and excitedly for when we can go back to Arizona. This next trip will take place the beginning of December. We traded in Veronica, the Camaro, for a big blue 3500 dodge pick up truck. So, the prospect of taking the RV down with us to Arizona this time is exciting. I won't have to give up on any of my animals or pack for another move. I hate it when Jason misses out on great memories with the family, but I am excited that I will be spending Christmas with my side of the family. It seems like it's been a long time since we have done that.

The biggest thing that has happened recently, however, is that we have a new addition to the family. I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. This is the main reason I decided to post a blog after all this time, because Emma has been saying a lot of funny things in regards to the new baby.

This morning, for example, she came in and laid down patiently next to me in the bed. I have been sleeping in pretty late most days. She is good about playing in her room or being quiet while she waits for me to get up and feed her. I'm greatly appreciative for her patience. When I did turn over towards her she was very talkative. That's another thing about Emma, she can hold a really nice conversation. She asked if Grandpa was coming in his grey car (which is actually Grandma's car). She talked about how dad was at work and then she talked about this dream she had a few days back. Emma dreamed that a baby girl was hiding in the closet. She seemed afraid of the dream the night she had it. I told her she was probably playing hide and seek with the baby. That seemed to satisfy her. The next day she told the nurse at my appointment about her dream which made me realize that she was still being affected by it. I told her that the baby might be her future baby sister. Ever since I told her that she's been talking about the baby in her dream as her baby sister. This morning she told me she wanted to share her toys with the new baby. She asked, "Would that be nice if I shared my toys with the baby?"
She's going to be a great big sister, I think. She seems to think about it a lot and seems excited.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Proof of Emma's crazy sleeping habits









There's a lot going on in the month of July

Emma and I just got back from our two week vacation to Pennsylvania. We were very entertained while we were there. Went to an amusement park, the beach, the board walk, Jason's Pappy's house in Maryland, Jason's Dad's house out in the woods, the "ice cream park" (as Emma calls it) which is really a tasty freeze with a kids play area, and other wise just hung out with Nana and Jeff. Nana had a kiddie pool for Emma to play in, I got a few runs in during the cool of the evening, and we saw some relatives we hadn't seen in a while. It was fun, but it's good to be back in Tucson. There is so much going on here. I often felt, while I was away, that I was missing out on all the wedding planning. But, I'm here now and there is PLENTY to do. Between starting a new, strict weight loss program of running 3 miles morning and night and eating 1200 calories a day, putting together the bridal shower with mom, putting together the bachlorette party with the girls, organizing the wedding budget, planning Jason's home coming, and of course playing scrabble; Emma and I are going to be busy bees the rest of this summer.
As I sit here and ponder all that I have going on and delving pretty deeply in the lives and activities of those around me, I find it hard not to think back on my own past experiences. Past weddings, past home comings, past vacations. Life has not always been a bed of roses and it would be easy to let bitterness take it's place in my heart again, a home it's felt so safe at for many, many years. But, life does go on and I try very hard not to dwell in the past. Instead, I'm trying to make sure my family's future is better.
I am determined to nip Emma's discipline in the bud before Jason gets back. I have to become more consistent and Emma needs less distraction while she's learning new life lessons.I've gotten pretty behind on the pre-preschool that I had hoped to do with her when she turned 2. I was hoping Emma would be a wealth of knowledge by now and while I wish I had worked harder with her, I am proud to say she knows quite a number of letters from the alphabet, holds a pencil correctly, and is learning how to draw letters and spell words. I jest, of course, about her being a wealth of knowledge at this age. However, I do expect her to know her alphabet by the age of 4 and she really should be able to count to 10 by now. This falls on me and I have neglected her educational upbringing while concentrating a lot on spiritual and social which is important as well. It will be nice when the other parents of the home is here so I don't have to do all this on my own.
My mind spirals as I think about all that July will hold. I'm anxious to find out when Jason's going to officially coming home. I'm nervous about moving back to Washington as I've been doing so well here with my depression and involvement in the church. At this point, I think it's important to just take one day at a time. Though, I have to give my mom the credit for that thought because it is she who will tell me that often times when I'm stressing about things that are too far in the future to worry about.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Rather fond of my daughter

Disclosure: I'm writing this on my phone so i appologise for any obvious mistakes.)It all started when Emma found a bug on her perfectly comfortable mattress, bought especially for her visit at my parents house. She refused to sleep on the mattress that lays on the floor next to my bed. For several nights, Emma slept on the floor just off her mattress or half on, half Off her mattress. I guess she eventually found that uncomfortable and she began getting up in the middle of the night and squeezing in on the twin sized bed that I slept on. Most nights I tried to fight it. I would tell her to get back into her bed which resulted in a lot of crying and soothing. I tried a few methods to make the nights easier for her, including rearranging the whole room so her mattress could be right next to mine and we could hold hands at night. (I did this at midnight, moving quite heavy furniture all by my self.) But, alas, after a week or so of this, Emma continued to crawl in my bed at night and I was fighting it less and less. (Mainly because often times I had been sleepin so deeply I didn't notice until morning.) Recently, Emma and I randomly decided to visit Jason's family in PA for a couple weeks. The first night of our vacation Emma and I shared a queen bed. That is, after Emma bed hopped between Karen's bed and mine for quite a while, she finally decided to stay with me. Later, at Karen's house we shared a full sized bed and another queen when at Jason's dad's house. Though out these vacation nights Emma was more and more clingy at night. Half the time she insisted on sleeping right on top of me. If I was playing around on my phone, she had to be watching. Strangely, I found it wasn't bothering me. At times I would tell her to stop wallowing on me but when I was turning over to go to sleep I got used to having my arm around her. In fact, her preciously angelic sleeping body next to mine comforted me quite a bit as most of my nights lately were spent lying awake sometimes until after four am. The morning. I watched Emma sleep, her funny positions, the conversations she had with someone in her dreams, how often she turned over or re-adjusted her pillow. (I couldn't help but notice how similar her sleeping patterns are to Jason's.) We were most recently in a king sized bed while visiting Jason's Grnadpa, Pappy. You would think two people would have plenty of room on a king mattress bed. But, not with my toddler. I lay there trying to sleep and all of a sudden WHAP! Right accross my face goes Emma's little arm. I kindly fold it back over her chest and relax again after the startle. WHAP! Not two seconds later. I was startled again, moving her arm and FOUR more times she whapped me. She was extremely unconsciously insistent that her arm lay exactly on my face. So I did the logical thing and scooter her over to the far side of the bed. The next night she got revenge by sleeping completely perpendicular to me all night. On a king size bed I still had her feet in my ribs. (and I wonder why I don't sleep at night.) However, it never fails. Each night no matter whether I've been whapped or stabbed or sleep talked too, I roll over each night, put my arm around her and dread having to change our style. Tonight, Emma wanted to sleep with Nana. I honestly missed her and was feeling really lonely when an hour later she came waltzing back in stating that Nana was asleep. She got back in bed and much like a grown adult relayed how the rest of her night was going to play out. I currently lay on the edge of the bed while Emma sleeps comfortably in the middle. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, May 25, 2012

They keep saying I'm normal

Rough ride these last few months. Jason is on deployment. Emma and I are waiting it out with family in Arizona. I have been going back and forth trying to decide if I'm really depressed or not. Take my medicine some weeks, other weeks I don't. I've had the worse lack of patience with Emma, making me feel like a horrible mother. I can't help but compare myself to the successful mothers all around me: my own mom, who raised 5 kids with seeming ease, and my older sister, who's in the process of raising 5 kids and always with a good attitude. I'm often feeling doubtful, mental, and very very distressed because I have ONE child and can barely make it through the day. Doctors, friends, some family, and support groups say to embrace the medicine, it's ok to deal with depression. But there's a part of me deep, deep with in that can not grasp that concept. I can't help but think that's not who I am. I wasn't raised to give up and give in to my feelings. After several weeks of struggling with this, I'm often told that what I go through on a daily basis is really no different than any other mother, but somehow I still feel like one of a kind.
I was very thankful to be able to go to New Mexico to visit my Grandmother Anderson, Uncle Mark, Cousin April, Nick and Lynsey. I wanted to make sure I had a really good time there so I took my medicine on Tuesday (the day we left). We had dinner with the gang Tuesday night. I was a little nervous to have dinner with Lynsey. We were pretty close friends last time I lived in New Mexico and I hadn't spoken to her in years. But, she hadn't changed a bit and I really enjoyed my time with her. I was reminded of how fun she is and hope to stay in better touch with her.
Most importantly, I was ecstatic to be spending quality time with my Grandma. We were there because she was going to be having open heart surgery on Wednesday. Grandma never changes. I still imagine her as the 50 year old Grandma we left in Idaho many years ago. She's just as bubbly, happy, ornery, lovely, and funny as she always was. For as long as I can remember, I was told I was just like my Grandma Anderson. I'm loud like her, I'm built like her, I have a lot of the same ideas and thoughts as she did. We have most of the same mannerisms. As I watched her and spent time with her Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning before her surgery I felt really silly for the way I had been treating my depression. I have to remember that for an Anderson, I'm normal. I don't have a problem. (Said in the voice and tone of David) I'm an Anderson. My kid drives me crazy, so I yell. It's what I do. It's what I'll always do. Emma will grow up to hopefully be just like me because being like me is being like my Grandma and being like my Grandma is the best earthly person you could be like.
On the way home last night it dawned on me that in the craziness of the last few days I had forgotten to take my medicine the entire time I was in New Mexico. Thinking back I realized I had been patient with Emma, I wasn't exhausted all the time, I was happy and care free. I just had a great time. Depression didn't cross my mind one time.
I learned several things from this trip. One: I'm not depressed, I'm bored. As soon as I was able, I've always had a job and often times more than one. When I left the Navy to raise Emma my life suddenly because very mundane and "boring" (if I may use that word to describe raising Emma). I relish in the time I get to train dogs, but it's not a steady entertainment. My business is small and it's hard to find people willing to pay for dog training these days. I would love to go back to work or back to school, but those things just aren't in my cards right now. My focus at this point needs to be finding daily activities with Emma or other personal projects that will keep me entertained through out my days.
Two: Emma doesn't bug me near as much when she has someone to play with. It's time she had a sibling. There are those who might say I'm not ready for another kid, and yes, the first year might be tough as the new child grows and I have to have ANOTHER kid in diapers (no, Emma's still not potty trained). But, Emma is extremely helpful around the house and already shows signs of being a great big sister. I think if she just had someone to help entertain her through out the day I could be more sane. Until that time, though I will be getting her another pet. Jason and I want to get a couple dogs, anyway, and Emma really loves playing with dogs. Shelby, my parents dog, keeps her entertained for hours.
Three: It's important for me to remember who I am and where I came from. I need to make sure I'm not falling into the liberal, feel-good trap the society likes to drag you into. I need to stop seeking doctors about my "mental" problems. They just don't help. They give me medicine and tell me to find a support group and that it's ok to feel depressed sometimes. But the fact of the matter is, it's not ok. I do not and will not believe it. If my Grandma can raise 3 rowdy boys and a daughter with out depression looming over her and if my mom can raise 5 kids with out depression looming over her, then I can raise one. I just need to stay focused and remember to lean on God for support and not some other group of people who really have no idea what I'm going through or feeling at all.
And lastly: I love my family. I really want to just concentrate on spending quality time with my family. I want to spend more holidays with my family instead of always feeling like we have to go on this big vacation and visit a bunch of people. I want to spend more vacations seeing the family I miss the most and not worrying so much about whose turn it is. The Lee family can only be spread out so far and we need to make sure our immediate family is strong first. If there's anything I want to succeed in, it's having a good relationship with Emma. If I can just gain her trust the older she gets, then hopefully she'll always talk to me and Jason and hopefully we will always be seen as someone who can help her through life's biggest teenage problems. I'm working on a fun surprise for my family which I'll be presenting to them this Christmas. I'm really looking forward to their reaction and putting it into action.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

2 days!

Today, it dawned on me that Jason was deploying in TWO days! How could I have lost track of time? How could I have put off all those things I wanted to do with him before he left? I never have any energy. I never feel like doing anything but laying around. Absolute worst time to feel lifeless. I'm not ready for this deployment. It's going to be really hard on me, emotionally; and I'm not going to be handling my loneliness very well.
There's so much to do! We just have not had any time before he leaves! I don't feel like we have made that special "I'm leaving soon" bond that we usually make. Must be because of how busy we've been and we haven't been on a date at all that didn't involve Emma.
Friday morning Jason is going to go to work and not come home and I'm not going to be ready for that.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Born Sinners

How do you know when your child has reached the age of accountability? It's so sad watching my 3 year old plot and execute a deceitful plan. And I would have been non the wiser except the outcome of her plan lacked in perceived obedience.
More than anything I want to teach my daughter about The Christ and I want her to know her Bible. I want her to understand her Bible. I want her to know, at a young age, about God, His Son, and what He did for us. But, there's that part of me (the evil part, I'm sure) that thinks, "What if I don't tell her? Can I hold off on her being accountable?"
When I have to give Emma a punishment for being bad I try to have her fully understand what she's being punished for. I have her say Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." And if I know other verses off the top of my head then I have her say those too. Is it horrible to admit that I almost wish I wasn't teaching her those verses because I know that means she's becoming accountable?
What keeps me going in my goal to teach her about the Bible and God is the fact that I know I am displeasing God by not telling her. But, how fervently I pray that Emma will find God on her own sooner rather than later.
I found God when I was 8, but my entire Christian life was lived with doubt of my salvation and never really living a proper Christian life. I knew everything there was to live a Christian life because I grew up in a great church that taught all the truths of the Bible. But, although I asked The Christ into my heart at a young age, I honestly don't think I fully understood what that even meant.
I fervently pray for Emma that she will not only KNOW about Jesus, but that she UNDERSTANDS Him too.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Dog training

I felt like a kid waiting to be picked up at school, but his ride never comes as I waited on a park bench trying to will cars to turn into the park and come out of their vehicle with a dog. I held a dog training class at a park in Anacortes last Friday and Saturday but only one person showed up. She was a friend and client whom I had already been working with but I appreciated her support. The weather was awful that weekend, too. There was a very cold wind. So, I'm not surprised that it wasn't a good turn out. Jason, as always, is very supportive and started thinking of ways to better advertise. I did not get any hits from the flyers I put out at vet clinics and pet shops. I only got one call from craigslist. I will blame the weather because my class was awesome! Any dog owner would have wanted to go! If the weather is better before I leave Washington I'll try it again at a park in Oak Harbor. And I think I might have better luck in Tucson. I do enjoy dog training so much and my prices are affordable. I wish people wanted more training for their pets. I would do it for free as much as I enjoy doing it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Update

It's been a trying last few weeks as I figure out what to do with future events that will unfold with in the next month. The family is uneasy as we come into the final days before Jason leaves for a 4 month deployment. Previous deployments have not gone over so well and we are trying very hard to have trust and faith in God for this deployment to run smoothly. I have so many issues that I have to keep under control while Jason is gone and finding the right support group while he's gone was frustrating. There were so many loving, willing people that I didn't know who would be the right one. I prayed for God to lead me to where he wanted me to go and he led me back to my parent's house in Arizona. I'm trusting that God knows what he is doing. There was a part of me that wanted to stay in Washington because I'm loving our new church and my dog training business is actually doing things. But after prayer and much consideration, Jason and I both agreed that Arizona will be the best place for me this deployment. I do very much enjoy going to Arizona and am excited for the trip! My family is making preparations for Emma and I (and hopefully Bagheera) to arrive March 21st. I can't say I'm not nervous. The last couple weeks here in Washington have not made me feel comfortable with Jason leaving. Jason says I've been very indifferent. I've been trying different things to handle my depression and while it is helping me feel more like myself, it does put me in an indifferent state of mind. I think it is better to be melancholy than grouchy. I'm trying to remember and be reminded that my goal is to be courageous and to gain a new, stronger faith in the Lord.
I absolutely LOVE dog training! I have a couple new clients who I'll be working with up until I leave. I'm feeling very confident in my skills. I'm so thankful for my colleges and mentors who have helped me over the last several weeks. Every time I go to observe a class with my mentor, Joy, I'm given a new found joy for dog training and can't wait until I can start up a real business in a building of my own with a steady flow of clients and using all my ideas to make it fun and interesting. I hope that I will be able to keep up a decent amount of work load in Arizona. My family is being very helpful to spread the word.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Finding God's truth for me

Jason and I want to have another Baby. But, I'm trying to find what God wants me to do about my medicine and such while I'm pregnant. I considered going off of medicine and trying to use a therapist to help with my depression.
I John 4:5 They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them.
I believe the therapist is out unless I kind find a Christian one, which in the past has not been easy. I would consider a Pastor, but I'm not sure that's really the Pastor's job to help me through my depression. So I continue reading to see what else God wants to tell me.
Another thing I've been praying about is my fear. I fear a lot of things. I fear the future and what is going to happen in our lives. I fear what giving myself completely over to the Lord means.
I John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
I'm not exactly sure how I can apply this to my life yet as I've always felt I was a loving sort. But, I think if I keep searching I'll find that maybe bitterness, anger, or pain is getting in the way of the true love I am supposed to have for God and my family.
I John 4:20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
Yesterday in my Bible reading I learned that keeping the commandments of God will also help with my depression, love, fear, anxiety, ect.
I John 5:3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.
I started a list of commandments which of course included the 10 commandments and other other commandments I've come across in my Bible reading. I am going to keep them in my Bible as a reminder of the way I should be conducting myself on a daily basis. I think this will really help.
For my faith:
I John 5:4-5 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?
I believe Jesus is the Son of God, so why don't I have more faith?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

On a day like this, you just have to laugh

Yesterday, our snowy, slippery day started out with Emma coming in our bed early in the morning and falling back asleep. When the family did wake up several hours later, Emma had peed through her diaper. We already had a pile of pee-type soiled blankets, sheets and clothes hanging out underneath the RV waiting to be washed so the morning's situation forced us to finally take the laundry to the laundry mat. He had been putting it off because we were not sure if the car would make it through the snow. As we headed down hill to the quiet city of Anacortes, Jason and I both looked at each other at the same time with a look that said, "We're never getting back up this hill."
We started the worst of the blankets with the last of our laundry soap and then went to Safeway with $11 to our name (not counting quarters for laundry) to get more soap. We spotted the cheapest thing, I checked to make sure it wasn't fabric softner and we headed back to the laundry mat.
We started the last load, poured in the soap and then watched it for a minute. The soap seemed really weird. Jason looked at the soap bottle and sure enough it was, in fact, fabric softener. (Written in very small letter, I might add.) I was pretty upset about this; little did I know it was not the worst to come in our day. We used some of our quarters to get some soap from the machine and poured it in. I gave the fabric softener to a lady sitting near by as I never use the stuff.
We were starving at this point and had passed a Little Caesar's $5.99 pizza sign so we walked down to it and got ourselves a Pizza with the last of our money. Emma was very cold from walking in the wind at this point so Jason carried her back as I half ran, half walked back to the laundry mat in attempts to keep the pizza warm.
An hour or so later, the laundry was done, folded and ready to put in the car. Jason started to take it out and then suddenly he came bursting back in the door, angry as could be, stating he didn't have the car keys which were most recently in his left jacket pocket.
I assumed they couldn't have gone far. He re-traced his steps and I looked around the car, laundry and my own pockets. Twenty minutes later he came back with no success. He tried again. Nothing. I decided I would go give it a go, seeing how I had found the back of my mother's earring in the grass when I was younger, I always felt I had a sense for finding a needle in a hay stack. I also did not find the keys and even flagged down an officer who took down our information and stopped traffic to look in the road where we had crossed the street.
Jason made several attempts to find the key again after that. We checked with all the open businesses along the way. I texted a friend to cancel a play date with her and she offered to come pick us up. I accepted her offer gratefully.
As we were waiting for her to arrive, I received a phone call from another good friend who was near tears asking me to come pick up her dogs. Apparently she had fallen and broken both her wrists while running errands with her dogs.
I sighed inside myself knowing that I would have to put my taxi friend out of her way to help us get to my fallen friend's car. Two hours later, I finally arrived to rescue the dogs.
We headed back home, got the dogs settled in, ate some dinner and then headed to the hospital to spend some time with our friend. Jason and I managed to maintain relatively good attitudes through it all. In spite of the fact that on top of all this, each morning we've had to take a blow dryer to our water pipes. Nothing we do is keeping them from freezing over. We had planned to pick up an old mattress from storage after the laundry to use as insulation. Of course, that never happened.
So, this morning starts with a text from my friend saying she'll have to have surgery this afternoon. Water pipes frozen again. Jason is out thawing the water, Bagheera is watching him from a window, Emma is watching 5 minutes of a movie and then switching to a new one, (she figured out how to change her own movies which has it's perks) and I'm struggling to focus on my Bible reading.
In stead, I think I will get the dishes ready for washing and then shut myself in Emma's room for prayer time instead. We have much to think about as a replacement key is far more than we can afford. Thank God the base has been closed due to snow so Jason has not had to work and since our friend fell, we have been using her car to get around. Curse us and buying that Camero! Lesson's learned.
(DNP - Did not proof read)

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I'm wide awake at 0428 in the morning

The rain coming down in not so rhythmic force on the roof of the camper is more soothing than anything else. It's the snow melting off the trees and hitting the roof with a bang and an echo, it's the stray we picked up two nights ago to re-home scratching his ear continually through out the night, it's Pida shaking in fright when the snow hits the roof and jingling her collar, its the many many thoughts running through my head that are keeping me awake.
I was wide awake when we turned the lights off to go to sleep at 11 last night. I'm not sure if I drifted to sleep at all since that time. I made my eyes tired by playing solitaire on my phone. I might have drifted for a couple hours then. Jason tossed and turned next to me. I'm sure he'll get up for work in the morning with complaints of not sleeping well, too.
I grabbed my robe and Sniff and headed to the bathroom. When I entered I saw a blob of white on the blob of purple with my blinded eye sight. Upon leaning closer to see what it was, it was my daughter's diaper (on the purple bathroom rug). I laughed half-heartedly to myself as I realized that though Emma refuses to use the bathroom and continues to wear diapers, when she DOES use the potty she can do it all on her own. Last night, she told me she had to use the potty so I told her to go do it. She took her diaper off, got up on the toilet with out a stool, and wiped when she was done. The only thing she left out was flushing. Yet, during the day, even when I put her in panties she'll refuse to use the potty, soil her panties and continue playing like nothing had happened. I'm at a loss here. What stubbornness.
The thought keeping me awake the most this morning was "How on earth can I bathe the stray?" Jason seems very unsettled with that fact that he smells although I barely notice the smell myself. He's an older lab mix with seemingly hip problems as we have to carry him up the stairs to our camper. With who knows what medical issues behind him, I find we'll be lucky to find him a home quickly on craigslist. His catfood diet can not be healthy for him either. We can not keep him, though it was considered. He's a great dog for inside the camper. He just lays around, is patient when he needs to go out, and is proving to be easily trainable. But with most definite medical needs for his age, the fact that he can't climb the stairs, and because my parents would simply lose their mind if I tried to bring a dog to Arizona this March, we have decided not to keep him. Oh, if only Jason and I both didn't have bleeding hearts for an animal in need. Many posts and inquiries later, we have had no luck tracking down an owner. And back to my original issue, how can I bathe him and make it more pleasant for Jason? I really don't think I should let all that hair go down our shower drain, although we have that tank always open for draining. Jason has already forbidden the shower option. He's a good sized dog so I'm not sure that I could fill enough small bowls I have laying around the house with warm water to do a thorough job outside. If I had a water girl to fill the bowl and bring it back as I washed, maybe. But, alas, Emma is not quite big enough for that task. So, the sleepless night continues.
I was busily writing away in my screenplay while Jason read last night before we went to bed and I still have thoughts on the matter so I suppose I will continue writing until I get tired of squinting and leaning forward to see what I'm writing. (I was reprimanded for wearing a very very old glasses perscription. The doctor told me not to wear them anymore or else my eyes will continue to get worse. I have yet to purchase a new pair and my contacts have to sit 6 hours before I can put them back in. So, I go blind) Then, I'll probably make Jason a lunch so I don't have to get up again when his alarm goes off. Providing I am back in bed, tired and/or sleeping by that time. He's leaving an hour earlier due to snow.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Killing Time

I have mixed feelings about busy days. Jason is working in the evenings this week so Emma and I have spent a lot of time at the convergence zone (indoor play ground) waiting for him to get off of work. Yesterday we were here for 4 hours. I got a lot of writing done in my screen play. Today, we have another four hours here until I have to go to a dog training class. I'm trying to fiddle around on the computer before getting started with my writing, but there just are not many more websites I can fiddle around on for 8 hours.
Emma is struggling with being spoiled after being sick. She could get away with murder when she's sick and even though she's only sick for a day, it takes her a week to realize she's not going to get spoiled anymore. So far we've had crying fits about needing mac n cheese, her shoe falling off in the car, wanting Dad to put her blanket over her legs even though it was in perfect reach of her, and losing the cat's fish toy. It's kind of cute and funny but certainly unacceptable for the not-so-sickly. Jason, is trying very hard to fight off the same thing Emma got. A weekend isn't long enough for his body to allow itself to get sick.
My dog training class this morning did not go over great. I often feel like I do not have a clue what I'm doing. I look forward to the day I feel completely confident in my skills. I would sure feel better if I didn't have to train with treats. Oh, well.
This week I'm working on Psalms 31:24 "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."
I asked the Lord to help me feel unafraid and this morning he showed me this verse. I have a lot of worries in this time in my life and it is a good time for me to practice leaving it up to God and letting him take control. Because I certainly don't have a clue what to do!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Leap of Faith

This evening I was feeling heavy hearted. My sickies were in bed resting. I had a deep desire to just go out in the crisp air and walk. As usual on a lone walk at night, here amongst the trees, I felt the urge to Pray to the Maker of it all.
Sunday service was so good this morning as it has been every week we have gone. I went to church by myself since Jason and Emma were sick. Pastor Parr is so knowledgable of the Bible, I am swimming in new information and more revelation than I can handle. Today he talked about how to grow in good ground. One of his points was that remembering what you learn about God will help you to grow in the good soil. I had to stop and really think about that because so often I go home after church, consider the message maybe through lunch and then forget all about it even though it might have been one that spoke to me deeply. It was really bothering me that I could so easily forget about the amazing things of God that I learned in church.
I was thinking about this on my walk. I felt as if I could not continue walking until I took some time to just concentrate on praying to God. I found an empty RV lot towards the back of the park and sat down at a picnic table that graces each lot. I had ever greens behind me, empty lots to either side, the path I had just taken in front of me and tall, tall pine trees in between it all. The sky was clouded over, but the full moon still shown through. I was overwhelmed with God's greatness and I began singing hymns. I sang It is Well with My Soul and Count your Blessings and then started in on a song I wrote as a child years ago that talked about being thankful to God for everything he made.
Suddenly, new lyrics starting coming to my mind and I ended up finishing the song right then and there. I was so happily singing that I didn't want to stop and I decided to continue my prayer in psalm. I felt a certain closeness to King David as I started singing out a prayer to God. As I sang and prayed I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. This night felt different. I somehow felt that if I didn't make a major change in my life before going back to the camper I would never have another chance to do so again. I admitted to God that I had many fears when it came to giving my life completely over to Him and little faith. But, I knew that it was time. I had felt the burden in my heart for several weeks now. I was often afraid of losing my family or even my own life and I knew it was God trying to get me to a point of no return. I asked Him to help me grow a mustard plant so that I could gather mustard seeds. I told him that I would stop taking my depression medicine and I would let him heal me. I fearfully agreed to doing whatever it took to give my life completely over to Him, even if it meant trouble with my family not being on board with my decision. I have little faith, but I DO know that God is bigger than my lack of faith and certainly bigger than all my problems. I DO know that God will not give me a trial I can not handle. So, I took a leap of faith and I promised to let God lead my life fully from here on out.
Upon this decision I felt a sudden feeling of anxiety rush through my body. I was back at the camper by this time. I knew I needed to immediately read in my Bible and write in my diary and have some alone time with God before I could do anything else. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I knew I had given up control of my life. It was a very scary notion for me as a very controlling person. I couldn't help but start crying as I imagined the future trials I would face with not being able to control what happens in my life anymore, but having faith that God will lead me where I need to go and show me what I need to be shown.
In a small camper, I couldn't hide my emotions from my family. They joined me in the dark room at the back end of the camper. I told Jason my decision to give my life completely to God and I told him how scared I was to do so. Jason lectured me on the goodness and greatness of God and faith. He reassured me that I had his support. He told me to take it one step at a time.
About this time little Emma piped up. She said, "It's not big steps. It's little steps. Sometimes I go to bed and I sleep and I wake up scared. But I pray to God. God lives in the sky and He keeps us safe." (This is near verbatim)
I started balling with joy as my little daughter was telling me about the safety of the Lord, sharing her own personal story, and suggesting that my next steps are just little steps. Oh, Lord, give me the faith of my precious child.
Jason and I laughed and hugged and Jason said, "I think you can see you have the full support of the whole family."
We read Ephesians 1-3 as suggested by our Pastor and I wrote out my new song in my diary so I won't forget it. I feel much better now that my family is on board. I'm still afraid and tomorrow scares me the most because tomorrow is a new day full of new opportunities to mess up. Tomorrow is a test of not having my medicine for the first time. I expect there to be trials, but I look forward to the challenge. I know where to read in my Bible and I know how to pray. Tomorrow is the start of a new walk for me.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Thoughts of the day

Emma always touches my heart, but this morning she really touched it good. She asked me to come out and give her breakfast. When I came into the kitchen, her little tiny body was sitting at the table. Her legs were out straight and she looked like a tiny little adult. I got her some cereal, but she didn't really eat it. She kept laying down on the bench. I asked her if she didn't feel good but she didn't say. Eventually she went up to her bed to watch a movie. I would normally start school but I'm not feeling great, emotionally, myself this morning so I'll let her rest up there for a while as I pull myself together. I don't know what's going on with me this morning. Last few days I've just felt like crying for no reason. I'm switching to a different type of medicine that is safe for babies should Jason and I decide to have another child which is definitely on our minds.

Lately, I have been thinking that I would buy gifts for people through out the year and then just send out cards and family update letters or pictures for Christmas. I do my Christmas shopping all year round. I already have a gift for my Dad and the next gift giving holiday for him isn't until June. I used to have a chest for gifts, but since we moved into the RV I don't have that space anymore. At the same time, I can see myself coming up on Christmas and still buying people things. Plus, there's always that one family member that I just don't find anything for at all the entire year and if I don't purposely go out looking for a gift they probably wouldn't get one.

Jason and I have both been missing our old dog, Admiral, a lot. He was such a great pup! We wanted to get out of that old house so badly that we didn't think very far into the future and we acted pretty selfishly. We are both wishing we would have kept him. With those thoughts in mind we've been talking about getting another dog. We did an extensive search of dog breeds the other day and found our favorites. We can't get another Great Dane if we want to stay in this camp ground. They don't allow big dogs because of insurance issues, but don't EVEN get me started on how ridiculous that is. I will try to remain pleasant in this blog.
With out any encouragement from me, Jason decided we each needed our own dog. The Lee family can be quite the resource hogs. We like to each have our own pets to cuddle with at night and play with during the day. I can not get my dog until we have a truck because we can not pay for pet care during Jason's deployments when I travel and I don't have any intention of staying in WA so I'll have to wait until we can pull our camper to and fro. Jason is thinking of getting his dog when he transfers to shore duty so that he has more time bonding with it. I'm very thankful for a husband who has a love of animals and is willing to let the family be over flowing with pets. If I had my way I'd already have this RV full of more pets. I've been missing having a rabbit too. It's hard to be an animal lover "on the go."

I have a new dog training client. I start work with her 8 month old Boer Boel (A south American dog that looks part pit bull, part mastiff, has a great personality and beautiful coat!) tomorrow. We are meeting two times a week for socialization and obeying on first command. She has purchased my off leash training program. I'm very nervous about this as it's my first real client to do the off leash training. I often feel like I don't really know what I'm doing and I wish I had a dog of my own to practice on. I like to go practice on the shelter dogs, but there's only so much a dog can learn in a few hours. I am excited my website is getting noticed on google, though and happy to have more dog training business. It's an odd feeling being busy with my own business. For such a long time it was just the Daschounds and they were starting to feel more like family. Their owner was very laid back with the training. The busier I get with my own business, the harder it is for Jason and I to realize that we won't always have as much time together. Especially when he starts school and working at the same time, it's going to be tough to have time together.

My eyes are tired. Shere Khan is sleeping next to me. The camper is warm and cozy. We cleaned up yesterday so today will most likely be a lazy day until Jason gets home. When he gets home I am meeting an artist to see some prototype pictures he's drawn for my screen play. I'm excited for this!

It's been good talking to you all and sharing my thoughts of the day. Hope you are all having wonderful Tuesdays.