Few more days of freedom

I am almost ready for school. Have my pencil bag, new clicky pencils and eraser, paper, notebooks, bad hair day hat, easy-on-the-go hair cut, babysitters lined up, a car to use (which was a pretty big deal), backpack I don't like but will use, a plan for morning down-time waiting for classes....everything but my books which is enough to make me feel stressed and nervous. I have never started classes with out my books before. I'll be "that guy" or girl. But, as there always is with the government, there were some issues with paperwork. I should be getting my book stipend soon. I also had hoped to get some new school clothes, but I'll have to make do with what I have in my closet for now. I really wish I could have started the semester with my stuff from Washington. I could have had plenty of clothes, a calculator and just all my comforts of having my own things. But, it wasn't in the cards for me to get that stuff right now.

I am not, however, prepared to leave my girls. It's been a fun two-year run being a stay at home mom and this momma's heart is breaking already thinking of how busy I'll become and what little time (in comparison) I'll have with the girls. I hate thinking of the "firsts" I'll miss with Jacey and I fear Emma's behavior will change dramatically. She is going through so many major changes in her life right now. A divorce she can't understand, a new sister, her mom is going back to school full time which might feel like abandonment at first because of her Dad already being gone. I'm already seeing a lot of signs of her struggling quite a bit. Her obedience level has gone way down, she's extremely clingy, and her attitude is not pleasant. She's often grumpy and irritated. I know I could be doing a better job dealing with all these changes and I've definitely failed on many levels to make the transition easier on her. It's never too late, though, and I plan to make the most of these last few days. I have even fewer days with just me and the girls as Jason is arriving on Saturday to visit.

In this time, I've been so thankful for family near and far, related or otherwise. God, for one, has been amazing! As He always is, of course, but for the first time in my life I see how much God loves me. And I literally tear up every time I think about it. The thought most comforting to me, which Patty McCarthy has to continually remind me of, is that God loves MY GIRLS even more than I do. When I remember that, I do feel more at ease. Like, it's not my burden to bare. I leave the worries I have for my girls with the Lord and it definitely makes my days pass by easier.

Church family has also been amazing. I like to try and do things myself before I seek too much help from others, but the amount of people who have genuinely offered their help have been astonishing. Some people it seems more of formality to say, "Let me know how I can help." But, others you can tell by they way they look you right in the eye and touch your arm and share their own stories and insist you let them help in any way they can, that they genuinely love and care about you and want to be a blessing. I've had so many people offer to watch Jacey at no charge that I've had a hard time choosing a babysitter. I think in the long run, it will be nice to have several to choose from as I'm always going to have something different going on each day.

My family has been amazing. I always knew my parents loved me, but being the rebellious child in the family, I always felt like more of a burden to my family. My dad used to tell me when I was a teenager that I would be amazed at how much he would support me if only I were doing the right things. And now, when I've needed my parents more than anything else in the world and I am doing the right thing, for once, I truly have been amazed. My mom and dad always have just wanted to help. I'm devastated and embarrassed at the pains I caused them before; and I'm humbled and honored to be in such loving good graces now.

Liz and Josh have been that happy couple that keeps me in high spirits all the time. Liz will never know how much the little things she does mean to me. She probably doesn't even know she's doing them. I've always been the kind of person who is fine by myself and can live with out friends; but lately I've soaked up every bit of attention I can get. Just swinging by the vet clinic to say hello makes me feel so much better especially since Liz is always so happy. You just can't feel sad around her. I really charish every time she goes out of her way to do something special with me. Gives me some adult time but more importantly, sister time. And Josh has been so great for the girls! Really a great man that they can look up to as a fatherly figure. He's always willing to do something with Emma and never complains. He doesn't mind playing with her and being silly with her. I know he'll be more than willing to do the things with her that a mother just can't do proper like taking her fishing, teaching her to use her bow and gun, cliff diving behind my back and warding off unworthy suiters. I know he will do the same for Jacey, too.

I could not have moved out on my own very easily. I'm so grateful for Dave. Yes, he eats my food. Yes, he and Jake make a lot of noise cooking eggs at 2 in the morning.  But, we get along so well. If I had to live with someone, he's definitely the best choice. My patience level with him is very high. Even in the worst of times (which really aren't that bad) I don't get that mad. He's very easy to live with and if I catch him in the right mood (which I'm learning the art of doing) I can really get him to help me out with quite a few things around the house. I love having another male adult in the house. I feel safer and I have someone to talk to about adult things. David loves new ideas as much as I do. We fantasize about being famous one day either by music or screenplays and he's even interested in writing with me. I'm thankful to have someone to go back to school with and though it's a rare occurrence, when he does spend time with the girls, they really soak it up. They love Dave....for whatever reason :)

I'm so thankful for a family and even in-laws who are there for you when you least expected it. I've relied on certain members of my family in this time in my life that I never would have thought I would have ever relied on before. But, I'm so glad that they were there and frankly some of their advice has been the best I've received. New advice, new perspectives have gone a long way in many areas.

This morning I was thinking I would document my readiness for school. It's no surprise that I completely rabbit trailed off into praise and thanks for God and family. Since I've started giving more of my burdens to the Lord I have kept more inside knowing He's going to take care of it. And these special moments and memories I make with my family are the world to me.
(Jacey just stared at me and smiled so big the whole time I was reading this aloud back to myself to proof-read.)