Few more days of freedom

I am almost ready for school. Have my pencil bag, new clicky pencils and eraser, paper, notebooks, bad hair day hat, easy-on-the-go hair cut, babysitters lined up, a car to use (which was a pretty big deal), backpack I don't like but will use, a plan for morning down-time waiting for classes....everything but my books which is enough to make me feel stressed and nervous. I have never started classes with out my books before. I'll be "that guy" or girl. But, as there always is with the government, there were some issues with paperwork. I should be getting my book stipend soon. I also had hoped to get some new school clothes, but I'll have to make do with what I have in my closet for now. I really wish I could have started the semester with my stuff from Washington. I could have had plenty of clothes, a calculator and just all my comforts of having my own things. But, it wasn't in the cards for me to get that stuff right now.

I am not, however, prepared to leave my girls. It's been a fun two-year run being a stay at home mom and this momma's heart is breaking already thinking of how busy I'll become and what little time (in comparison) I'll have with the girls. I hate thinking of the "firsts" I'll miss with Jacey and I fear Emma's behavior will change dramatically. She is going through so many major changes in her life right now. A divorce she can't understand, a new sister, her mom is going back to school full time which might feel like abandonment at first because of her Dad already being gone. I'm already seeing a lot of signs of her struggling quite a bit. Her obedience level has gone way down, she's extremely clingy, and her attitude is not pleasant. She's often grumpy and irritated. I know I could be doing a better job dealing with all these changes and I've definitely failed on many levels to make the transition easier on her. It's never too late, though, and I plan to make the most of these last few days. I have even fewer days with just me and the girls as Jason is arriving on Saturday to visit.

In this time, I've been so thankful for family near and far, related or otherwise. God, for one, has been amazing! As He always is, of course, but for the first time in my life I see how much God loves me. And I literally tear up every time I think about it. The thought most comforting to me, which Patty McCarthy has to continually remind me of, is that God loves MY GIRLS even more than I do. When I remember that, I do feel more at ease. Like, it's not my burden to bare. I leave the worries I have for my girls with the Lord and it definitely makes my days pass by easier.

Church family has also been amazing. I like to try and do things myself before I seek too much help from others, but the amount of people who have genuinely offered their help have been astonishing. Some people it seems more of formality to say, "Let me know how I can help." But, others you can tell by they way they look you right in the eye and touch your arm and share their own stories and insist you let them help in any way they can, that they genuinely love and care about you and want to be a blessing. I've had so many people offer to watch Jacey at no charge that I've had a hard time choosing a babysitter. I think in the long run, it will be nice to have several to choose from as I'm always going to have something different going on each day.

My family has been amazing. I always knew my parents loved me, but being the rebellious child in the family, I always felt like more of a burden to my family. My dad used to tell me when I was a teenager that I would be amazed at how much he would support me if only I were doing the right things. And now, when I've needed my parents more than anything else in the world and I am doing the right thing, for once, I truly have been amazed. My mom and dad always have just wanted to help. I'm devastated and embarrassed at the pains I caused them before; and I'm humbled and honored to be in such loving good graces now.

Liz and Josh have been that happy couple that keeps me in high spirits all the time. Liz will never know how much the little things she does mean to me. She probably doesn't even know she's doing them. I've always been the kind of person who is fine by myself and can live with out friends; but lately I've soaked up every bit of attention I can get. Just swinging by the vet clinic to say hello makes me feel so much better especially since Liz is always so happy. You just can't feel sad around her. I really charish every time she goes out of her way to do something special with me. Gives me some adult time but more importantly, sister time. And Josh has been so great for the girls! Really a great man that they can look up to as a fatherly figure. He's always willing to do something with Emma and never complains. He doesn't mind playing with her and being silly with her. I know he'll be more than willing to do the things with her that a mother just can't do proper like taking her fishing, teaching her to use her bow and gun, cliff diving behind my back and warding off unworthy suiters. I know he will do the same for Jacey, too.

I could not have moved out on my own very easily. I'm so grateful for Dave. Yes, he eats my food. Yes, he and Jake make a lot of noise cooking eggs at 2 in the morning.  But, we get along so well. If I had to live with someone, he's definitely the best choice. My patience level with him is very high. Even in the worst of times (which really aren't that bad) I don't get that mad. He's very easy to live with and if I catch him in the right mood (which I'm learning the art of doing) I can really get him to help me out with quite a few things around the house. I love having another male adult in the house. I feel safer and I have someone to talk to about adult things. David loves new ideas as much as I do. We fantasize about being famous one day either by music or screenplays and he's even interested in writing with me. I'm thankful to have someone to go back to school with and though it's a rare occurrence, when he does spend time with the girls, they really soak it up. They love Dave....for whatever reason :)

I'm so thankful for a family and even in-laws who are there for you when you least expected it. I've relied on certain members of my family in this time in my life that I never would have thought I would have ever relied on before. But, I'm so glad that they were there and frankly some of their advice has been the best I've received. New advice, new perspectives have gone a long way in many areas.

This morning I was thinking I would document my readiness for school. It's no surprise that I completely rabbit trailed off into praise and thanks for God and family. Since I've started giving more of my burdens to the Lord I have kept more inside knowing He's going to take care of it. And these special moments and memories I make with my family are the world to me.
(Jacey just stared at me and smiled so big the whole time I was reading this aloud back to myself to proof-read.)

To be more like my Dad...

I've always been proud to be like my Grandma Anderson. Whenever someone tells me, "That's so Grandma" I feel a little more special. And, it is only natural for me to have most of my mom's traits. She raised me, after all. But, now that I'm an adult and not only an adult, but actually living around my family, for once; I'm realizing that there are some character traits my dad has that I would like to acquire.

The first time I noticed it was our trip to Indiana. My dad is extremely observant. Like a fortune teller, he can look at a situation and know, not only what will happen, but also what HE needs to do to make it easier on everyone else. It's mostly the little things and in hindsight it seems like things we should all be thinking about, but don't. Just for one silly example, we stopped at a rest stop (or was it a hotel?) and with out thinking how it would affect me or anyone else I immediately got Jacey out of her seat. In my mind, I wanted to get her out as soon as possible because I knew she was probably tired of being in there. But, as I got out of the truck, if it hadn't been for my dad ready with the stroller, I wouldn't have known what to do with her once we were out of the truck. At each stop, my dad would go to the back and start unloading what we needed at that stop. But, with out fail, when he saw me emerge from the truck with Jacey, he stopped what he was doing and set up the stroller. It was so well timed that I never had to wait to lay her down in it, and I never even noticed how observant that was of my dad until one time it wasn't me holding Jacey and I saw him do it for my mom. I was standing off probably doing nothing, watching my dad unload stuff and my mom with Jacey and it NEVER occurred to me she would need the stroller. It would have occurred to me when she, while holding Jacey, was trying to get the stroller out of the truck. Then, I would have jumped in and helped out; but my dad notices (or just knows) from the very beginning what will be needed and how he needs to help. He probably assessed the situation from the very first stop how things would go. He watched and learned what mom, Emma, Jacey and I all did, habitually, at each stop and planned how he would unload the truck from that point on. At the risk of making him sound less the genius that he is, he was like a well-programmed robot. Get out of the truck, open the luggage compartment, pull the luggage forward, Tiffany and Jacey will be getting out of the truck in 3, 2, 1...stroller, go. Hold out right arm to keep Emma from running in the street, kiss wife....and the program goes on.

By the time we got home, I was noticing more and more about my dad that I hadn't noticed before. Qualities that I was jealous I didn't have and I started watching him more. It was a couple social situations later that I decided once and for all I wanted to try and be more like my dad. When people talk to me I take each and every word very literally. If someone uses a cliche wrong or uses improper grammar or tells a story I've already heard, I'll be polite but I'm short with my responses because on the inside I'm really irritated. I don't really enjoy conversation and for the most part, am always trying to end it so I can move on. My dad isn't a social butterfly, but he will talk to someone as if they are his best friend and what they are saying is the most important thing he's heard that day. He knows exactly how to talk to people to make them feel like what they were saying was interesting or funny. My dad knows EVERYTHING, but someone who talks to him unawares of that fact would never come to learn it just by talking to him. He doesn't boast about his knowledge and I've never heard him say, "Oh, ya I know that" or like statements. Instead he'll simply embellish on what you just said to further your own knowledge or he'll make a witty comment often leading to a new subject. I've seen him act outright surprised and enthusiastic about certain subjects that I know very well he already knows everything about. Or maybe he doesn't and I just assume he does. But, either way, when ever I talk to my dad I feel like he's really interested and enjoying the conversation whether he is or not. And I'm sure others feel the same. He always talks to mom with such love and admiration like she's the only person on the planet when she speaks to him, like he trusts and believes every word she says.

When I talk to someone I naturally assume everything they say is a lie or has some hidden meaning behind it. And I'm sure that's why I don't enjoy conversation. I've always taken my words very seriously. I LITERALLY mean every word I say right down to the ifs, ands or buts. It drives me nuts that I use words like stuff and thing because I know I'm not being as accurate as I could. And I listen to people in the same manner. If something they say isn't quite right I almost cut myself off from listening to them further because I can't figure out their hidden agenda behind their words. When in all reality I'm sure they didn't even realize what they said was a little off and it CERTAINLY doesn't matter. I really need to just calm down, relax and find the parts of a conversation that I can enjoy, the way my dad does.

I'm sure over his many years, my dad has learned to do these things naturally. He probably doesn't even know he's doing it. It's just the way he is now. He doesn't have to try. But, I want to try and be more like him in these areas. It's a practiced art for someone like me who's already pretty set in her ways. But, I really do want to make these few changes to the way that I am.