Update since the Washington trip

It is two hours past Jacey's normal wake up time and she is still sleeping away. So I thought I would get on the computer to post an update as she is sure to get up and demand all my attention as soon as I sit down.

The girls have been back from Washington for a few weeks now, where they had been visiting their dad. The first week they were gone was really rough for me. I had big plans to clean and organize the house and yard,  visit friends and do things at the church and in the community. But, I couldn't get past my bed. I was so depressed. I felt completely drained of all my motivation and energy. After work and to keep my mind from thinking about all the horrible things that were happening with the kids in Washington, I desired only to lay in bed and watch movies.

But, in the second week they were gone, I started to go through a nesting trance, like when a mother is expecting a baby. I would come home from work and do the most random things as if I were preparing for their home coming. I bought craft supplies so we would have things to do when they got back. I cleaned and started organizing the house. I planned new sleeping arrangements for the girls which involve a bunk bed in my room and the girl's room turning into a play room. My sister pointed out what a great idea this was because late night talks about life and the world would really bond us. I thought back to when I was a kid sharing a bunk bed with my sisters. We would do the same thing, talking til late and looking out the window contemplating life. Ah, the memories of country life. I sure miss my childhood. So, I'm excited to share a room with the girls. I'll never forget the feeling I had after one of Jason's deployments. During said deployment, I had really started to desire to turn my life around. I was seeking to get my heart right with God. I still really struggled with depression and though I didn't recognize it at the time, my marriage was really struggling. Our future was on the edge of a cliff. We came back to Washington to our regular house and good yard. We had nice furniture and a great car. (My dream car, a camaro) But, I felt overwhelmed with "stuff". Stuff to clean, stuff to organize, stuff to fix, stuff to care about, stuff to maintain. Somehow I got it in my mind as Jason was dreaming about owning an RV one night that if we lived in one, our lives would be better. The small space appealed to me. I begged Jason to move us into an RV and he was more than happy to comply since he was currently in the mood for buying an RV. The feeling of comfort and peace that I had from moving into a small space, cozy and snug is the same one I have about putting bunk beds in the room. I'm pulling the family closer together. We'll be snug and warm in our little space in the room and the girls and I can really bond.

In the second week the girls were gone, I also learned to completely rely on Jesus as my friend, protector, Savior, provider and comforter. I had originally planned to go to China with a friend during the girls absence. That fell through. My Russian friend also went to China and I felt very alone. Though I had family and friends, my two friends in China were the ones who kept me active and going. They did things with me and encouraged me to be away from the house and being productive. Learning to stay home and be alone was a good thing. David was also going through some spiritual changes and I was really starting to fall in love with my alone time with Jesus. He put me in a place where He was literally the only one that I felt could comfort me. I grew to rely on him more than my friends in China. I grew to count on him for friendship and comfort more than my other local friends and family. Fact of life: everyone has their own agendas. But Jesus' agenda is always about being there for me. He was only a prayer away at any given time and even when I wasn't on my knees I talked to him like he was always right there with me. I told him my woes and knew he was listening and I shared with him my desires even though I knew He already knew them. My relationship with Jesus was really able to grow. By the time the girls got home, I had a real motivation for things to be different in our home. Honestly, I hate the burden of raising the family all by myself. I feel completely over whelmed ALL the time and at the end of every day I always failed at my goals and tasks of the day. But, if I learned anything while the girls were absent it was that Jesus never fails. He doesn't mind if I mess up either. He helps me get back up and reminds me what my goals are.

I often shy away from expressing too much emotion. So, the day the girls were supposed to arrive any smile on my face or excitement in my expressions were truly genuine. As I always do, I planned in my mind how our reunion would be. I expected Emma to run to me and for Jacey to fly into my arms as fast as she could with a huge smile on her face. And the enemy who took them from me would vanish never to take my girls from me again. So, I had mixed emotions when Jacey took a moment in confusion to determine why I was now standing in front of her. It was probably only half a second in real time, but the time it took her to look at me, smile and fly into my arms felt like a minute. Emma, of course, did run to me from a distance and it was nice to give her a long hug just her with out having to share a hug with Jacey. The enemy didn't vanish, either. Even as we walked out of the airport my baby looked around saying "Dada?" I was torn between being thankful she had bonded with her dad to being very angry that she was being fooled into thinking he was being a part of her life. Since at her young age she doesn't know future visits are in the works. It is not my place to decide what the girls think about their father, though. They are certainly allowed to love him and since they MUST go visit, they might as well have a good time and enjoy it. It is my own pains and selfishness that cause me such anger. I have prayed so fervently that God protect my girls from emotional pains that I know he will not deny them a peace and comfort in all this.

Jacey was tired from her travels and Emma was excited to be home. It was a good 24 hours before Jacey stopped whining about everything and Emma bombarded me with questions and comments for 48 hours straight. It was a very trying time when I had fantasized about such perfection. I soon realized that my kids hadn't changed that much, I had simply gotten used to two weeks of no responsibilities. I forced myself to get back in the groove of having the kids around and it has since been a real blessing. I wouldn't give them up for the world. Between their last visit and the dealings Jason and I had in court recently, Jason and I hadn't spoken directly to each other in weeks. When we finally did have a conversation, it was pleasant but he is still just as selfish as he ever was only caring about what is best for him and not so much about the girls. I'm fine with that, really. I happy to have the girls to myself in a safe place for now. Until Jason gets saved that will never change. I know that God will always have the girl's best interest at heart and I keep reminding myself that my own sins got me in this situation. I will charish every moment I have with the girls and I will not waste any day we have together. And the girls simply have been a joy since they have been back. There is a lot of work ahead of us on all fronts. But it's a learning experience and I think we are doing ok.

Since the girls have been back, I've been compared to Jason's girlfriend and Jason is always trying to incorporate his girl friend in his talks with the girls. I reminded Jason that until there is a ring on her finger there would be no reason for her to be a part of the girl's life. I had a ring on my finger and still he left after 5 years. The last thing the girls need is to be attached to someone else in their dad's life only to have that person leave or be left in another 5 years. I'm quite certain this will have absolutely no affect on how Jason conducts his relationship with his girlfriend around the girls; but I pray, again, that the girls own emotions will be spared. Trust, I must in Jesus, just trust. (I just made up that little diddy right now.) I would say that is the theme of my life right now. Trusting in Jesus has really made things easier in a time when I really really couldn't have done it with out him.