Emma's 6th Birthday Eve

On the eve of Emma's 6th birthday, I find myself uncharacteristically overwhelmed by the whole event.  My kid's birthdays have always been and will always be one of the biggest days of the year. It's the one day a year that I can show that one child all the special attention of the day. They can be selfish and it's ok. We can spoil them and it's ok. I try to make each moment of the day special. This is the first year that one of my kid's birthdays has truly overwhelmed me. I'm feeling worn to the bone as I stoop over the cat litter, well over due to be changed and the smell of ammonia cleaning my sinuses, having been awake since 2 this morning fussing about some work issues, worrying about cakes and my party favors unfinished, decorations I can't put up with out a ladder that I don't possess. I certainly didn't need Jacey fussing and calling for me from her room while Emma tries to sleep.

Since I was in college and career class at Treasure Valley Baptist Church I'll never forget Mr. Burchard telling a story about how his wife would get balloons the night before their kid's birthday and surprise them with balloons the next morning as they woke up. It was something I always wanted to do for my own children and so far had been successful. This year I'm a busy, working mom and was only fortunate enough, last minute to get Aunt Liz to pick up some balloons for Emma so I could carry on the tradition. I was worried for a moment that it wasn't going to happen.

Now Jacey sits eating popcorn I had made to snack on by myself in my room, playing with Emma's balloons and I'm tired. I'm so very tired. Tomorrow is just the family party. Mom was willing to pick up makings for Emma's dinner and we will celebrate at her house so she can have dinner cooking while I'm at work. It's very unlike me not to make a cake; but I broke down and went with striped delight since I knew I would have absolutely no time or energy to make a cake. Emma wouldn't mind.

It doesn't help that I found out its customary for birthday kids to bring something to share with their friends at school. Now I have to go to frys in the wee hours before the kids get up to go get something Emma can take to school. I want to be that mom that just doesn't care or that just can't do it. But Emma wouldn't understand that. And it's about making good memories for her tomorrow.

I gave encouragement to a co-worker today telling him that "This too shall pass. He won't always be working two jobs, he won't always be deep in debt, his daughter won't always scream into the night relentlessly. This is just a phase of life and that it will end." Sometimes it would be nice to hear the same thing for my own life. Someday I want to throw my kids a birthday party with out worrying about whether the money I spend on a cake that I didn't have time to make myself is cutting into my rent money or not. Someday I hope that I will not always have so little time that I'm continually feeling rushed to complete tasks in time and feeling overwhelmed.

Tomorrow, I will not let the devil bring my down on my daughter's special day. Her big fasionista party isn't until Saturday and though I have to work later than usual on Friday afternoon I hope to have all the time I need to get everything in order. Emma is so excited for her big party with her friends. I don't even know who all is coming since I forgot to put my number on the invite.

Why, oh, why did I have kids only a month apart? I shall follow my own advice that I gave my co-worker today to "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming."