Finally, spring break was upon us. It was my turn to pay to get the girls to Seattle to see their dad. The travel plans went by without a hitch. I had plenty of money from my tax return to get them there as well as take myself to Idaho for some quality time with my sister. We took a few days and stayed at a nice hotel, planned a spa day and treated ourselves like royalty with a shopping day and a personal consultant. It was so fun and relaxing and just what I needed after a very stressful first quarter of the year.
Now, I have been home for a while. My first day back to work was met with a lay off of 19 people to include, yours truly. The day I got laid off was a little emotional; but strangely it was also a relief. The strange thing was that on my way to work I prayed and asked God again to show Himself to me. I had such a great vacation with my sister who prayed with me and encouraged me the whole time. I didn't want my first week back to work to be a bust. I asked God to really prove himself to me and show me what I needed to change in my life. Sure enough as soon as I walked down the hallway past my boss's office I was laid off. I knew this lay off was from God. I knew He was letting me know that He wasn't done with me yet. The first step towards change was to leave that job. It weighed me down spiritually, emotionally and physically. My greatest temptation lay in wait behind those walls. Now, I was free. Free of trying and failing, free to put myself in a place where I was completely reliant on God again.
It also worked out really great because my mom was in town packing up her final belongs as they had moved to Chicago. It was a blessing to be able to spend some time with her which I would not have generally had the ability to do. As always she was a great help and friend to me while she was back in town. It was so good to see her again.
Upon her departure back to Chicago, I was feeling a little better than the last time she had left. The first time she left it was very sudden and I did not handle the emotions of the event very well. This time I was prepared. I had spent several good days with her, played some scrabble like we used to do and prepared myself for her to be gone. However, after she left I cared less about the domestic chores of the day and I craved my temptation an awful lot.
God had been preparing my older sister and Domestic Warrior Leader, Kimberly for this very time in my life. If for no other reason, her molding and making was for someone exactly like me who needed a humanly, unconditional love with no judgement and the absolute care to be there for me by text, skype or phone anytime I called on her. I knew God was doing something in my life; however, getting back to a place of full trust and surrender to Him was not easy. I sometimes felt so anxious that I couldn't move my body I felt so weighed down from the pressure of the change going on in my heart. I started to make better choices and leaned on my accountability partner for support. She allowed me to express my deepest, darkest feelings - the "truths" that I hid inside for no one else to see or know about. She didn't help me wallow in my despair. Rather she continually pointed me back to Christ, His forgiveness and the Love God shared with both and all of us. She promised to pray for me and then followed through with that promise. She has never made me feel like I'm too much of a bother or that the feelings I'm having in a particular moment are stupid as I often feel like they are.
I still miss my temptation so much sometimes it hurts and I cry. My kids see me crying and want to know what's wrong. I tell them I lost a good friend and that is what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like the day is going well and then all of a sudden I burst into tears caused by a searing pain in my heart like I've lost a loved one. The battle is real. It's not easy; but it DOES have it's victories.
My life was not feeling any more organized being home. I took Jacey out of daycare to save money. While some might think, "Oh, great you get to spend some quality time with your daughter." I'm thinking, "Oh great. All this time I have to spend with a 3 year-old and I'm so tired already." I have had a hard time finding the joy in being home. I thought I didn't clean my house or stay organized because I was too tired after working all day. It turns out, I don't clean it anyway ha ha I'm still just as tired and frankly I don't know how I pulled myself out of bed each day to work a 40+ hour week. I'm exhausted just doing what little I do. I was feeling so overwhelmed that I had Domestic Warriors help me with a schedule. Kim sat down with me again and I told her what I wanted to accomplish in a day. She helped me put it together to where I wouldn't feel overwhelmed and at the same time feel like I'm at least accomplishing something each day. Today was the first day I got to try out my new schedule. I had set reminders in my phone to go off at each task that was imperative to get done such as eating or helping Jacey learn her letters. If you look around my house you won't see much of a change; but I feel amazing. I followed my schedule even with some set backs. I've had down time, play time, eating time and clean up time. I feel very accomplished in spite of still having much to do.
Change is in the air. And I think it's a pretty big one. God seems to be prompting me to move to Idaho. I would be close to my accountability partner and some other spiritual guidance there. This move might require that I homeschool the kids which in turn may cause an upset with my ex-husband who for some reason is instant the kids go to a public school. I will drop dead before I send my kids to a public school for reason we can talk about another time. So, much prayer is going into this change. I will need to be able to raise enough money for the move which might mean a part time job at another low paying job. I dread the thought of that and am praying for other options. I have also applied to work at a zoo in Idaho as a volunteer coordinator and am trying not to get too anxious while I wait for their decision. I know that it is in God's hands and He knows my heart.
Thanks for listening again.
Now, I have been home for a while. My first day back to work was met with a lay off of 19 people to include, yours truly. The day I got laid off was a little emotional; but strangely it was also a relief. The strange thing was that on my way to work I prayed and asked God again to show Himself to me. I had such a great vacation with my sister who prayed with me and encouraged me the whole time. I didn't want my first week back to work to be a bust. I asked God to really prove himself to me and show me what I needed to change in my life. Sure enough as soon as I walked down the hallway past my boss's office I was laid off. I knew this lay off was from God. I knew He was letting me know that He wasn't done with me yet. The first step towards change was to leave that job. It weighed me down spiritually, emotionally and physically. My greatest temptation lay in wait behind those walls. Now, I was free. Free of trying and failing, free to put myself in a place where I was completely reliant on God again.
It also worked out really great because my mom was in town packing up her final belongs as they had moved to Chicago. It was a blessing to be able to spend some time with her which I would not have generally had the ability to do. As always she was a great help and friend to me while she was back in town. It was so good to see her again.
Upon her departure back to Chicago, I was feeling a little better than the last time she had left. The first time she left it was very sudden and I did not handle the emotions of the event very well. This time I was prepared. I had spent several good days with her, played some scrabble like we used to do and prepared myself for her to be gone. However, after she left I cared less about the domestic chores of the day and I craved my temptation an awful lot.
God had been preparing my older sister and Domestic Warrior Leader, Kimberly for this very time in my life. If for no other reason, her molding and making was for someone exactly like me who needed a humanly, unconditional love with no judgement and the absolute care to be there for me by text, skype or phone anytime I called on her. I knew God was doing something in my life; however, getting back to a place of full trust and surrender to Him was not easy. I sometimes felt so anxious that I couldn't move my body I felt so weighed down from the pressure of the change going on in my heart. I started to make better choices and leaned on my accountability partner for support. She allowed me to express my deepest, darkest feelings - the "truths" that I hid inside for no one else to see or know about. She didn't help me wallow in my despair. Rather she continually pointed me back to Christ, His forgiveness and the Love God shared with both and all of us. She promised to pray for me and then followed through with that promise. She has never made me feel like I'm too much of a bother or that the feelings I'm having in a particular moment are stupid as I often feel like they are.
I still miss my temptation so much sometimes it hurts and I cry. My kids see me crying and want to know what's wrong. I tell them I lost a good friend and that is what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like the day is going well and then all of a sudden I burst into tears caused by a searing pain in my heart like I've lost a loved one. The battle is real. It's not easy; but it DOES have it's victories.
My life was not feeling any more organized being home. I took Jacey out of daycare to save money. While some might think, "Oh, great you get to spend some quality time with your daughter." I'm thinking, "Oh great. All this time I have to spend with a 3 year-old and I'm so tired already." I have had a hard time finding the joy in being home. I thought I didn't clean my house or stay organized because I was too tired after working all day. It turns out, I don't clean it anyway ha ha I'm still just as tired and frankly I don't know how I pulled myself out of bed each day to work a 40+ hour week. I'm exhausted just doing what little I do. I was feeling so overwhelmed that I had Domestic Warriors help me with a schedule. Kim sat down with me again and I told her what I wanted to accomplish in a day. She helped me put it together to where I wouldn't feel overwhelmed and at the same time feel like I'm at least accomplishing something each day. Today was the first day I got to try out my new schedule. I had set reminders in my phone to go off at each task that was imperative to get done such as eating or helping Jacey learn her letters. If you look around my house you won't see much of a change; but I feel amazing. I followed my schedule even with some set backs. I've had down time, play time, eating time and clean up time. I feel very accomplished in spite of still having much to do.
Change is in the air. And I think it's a pretty big one. God seems to be prompting me to move to Idaho. I would be close to my accountability partner and some other spiritual guidance there. This move might require that I homeschool the kids which in turn may cause an upset with my ex-husband who for some reason is instant the kids go to a public school. I will drop dead before I send my kids to a public school for reason we can talk about another time. So, much prayer is going into this change. I will need to be able to raise enough money for the move which might mean a part time job at another low paying job. I dread the thought of that and am praying for other options. I have also applied to work at a zoo in Idaho as a volunteer coordinator and am trying not to get too anxious while I wait for their decision. I know that it is in God's hands and He knows my heart.
Thanks for listening again.
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