Phase of life: Weird

No matter how old you are in life, there are just some circumstances that require you to need your mom. I'm a pretty big girl and maybe other girls my age are handling things on their own. I'm sure some of them don't even have a mom for one reason or another. But, I'm not ashamed to say that when life turns weird....and I mean, haven't a single idea, thankful to be a Christian so I can rely on God kind of weird....I miss my mom like never before. Partly because my mom, through all my life, has not just been a mother. She has been a friend. I'm reminded of a poem I wrote for my mom when she was "retiring" from homeschooling all 5 of us children. I will not share said poem with you because only heaven knows where it's archived within my computer. But, it's about the memories I had of my mom growing up. They weren't memories of the things she taught me as a mother; but rather the things she taught me as a friend.

Today...this week...this month, I'm longing for my mom to be here and I'm starting to wonder if there will ever come a time where we are just living together for the long term. My house is in disarray today. Unlike other days' disarray-ments, (it's a word if you think about it) today it's a mess because I'm preparing to move. The funny thing is, I prepared to move when I had personally decided I needed to move. I felt like I couldn't afford to live here anymore and was going to move my family of 3 plus 2 cats and a dog into a one bedroom apartment. I gave my notice with property management that I would move out by the 1st of April (2017). Two days later, after sleepless night of tossing and turning over the idea, I finally re-worked my budget and told my property management that I had changed my mind. A few days after that (yesterday) they called me back and informed me that the owners of the home actually wanted to sell the house and so I would have to move out after all.

This is one of those situations where you don't know whether to laugh or cry or pack a few belonging, change your names, and live on the run. I chose to laugh....at first. Luckily, I hadn't unpacked anything yet and had started a garage sale so I felt a little ahead of the game. The matter of where to go is what started to make me feel overwhelmed. I'm not great at making decision on my own. I can't really remember an important decision in life that I HAVE made on my own. Yet, this time I truly felt like I was on my own, humanly speaking. No one was going to swoop in and just tell me what to do, where to move or how to pay for it. As the day went on, I not only was recovering from flu-like symptoms (I had the flu shot), but I also finally started to feel the pressure of all that needed to be done. My laughter turned to tears.

I rather like these phases of life, in a way. It puts me in a place where I HAVE to fully rely on God. I can't even really open any doors. I crack a few windows at this point and God, in his infinite wisdom and power, has to somehow let me know which crack to seep through.

Let's not forget that I also didn't get my tax return this year due to some dumb mistakes several years ago. The return got garnished by a collection agency. So, I'm $7000 poorer than I expected to be at this point. It's also my year to pay for the girls' spring break trip, which takes place end of next week. God has really shown that He is going to provide. So, I'm not necessarily worried. And in a way, doing this alone is part of a prayer I prayed a while back that I would learn how to be alone. Why I prayed that is beyond me. It's funny how God answers the prayers we regret praying sometimes. But, I jest. I'm actually thankful for the lessons and the growth that will come out of this for me.

In short, (and trust me, this is the short version) I just miss my mom. I wish she could be here and I know she wants to be. Between her husband, parents and four other kids I really don't know why I have to share ;) But, I know my mom is praying for me and quite honestly, if someone is going to pray and get their prayers answered, it's going to be my mom. So, I'm thankful that she is doing that. If it is all that she can or would do, it would be enough.

Over and out.