Single Moms

Why did I think I would be a good mother? Why didn't anyone else warn me about parenthood? It's not like my husband or my parents didn't know my personality. Why was I allowed to bare a child? In their defense, my parents would never presume to tell me how to live my married life and Jason and I chose to have a child for selfish reasons. But I'M FREAKING OUT NOW!!
I can't be a single mom. That I know for sure. Jason and I will always be together legally and in spirit; but physically he is not always going to be with me. I'm stuck making the decisions for our family and I haven't a clue what I'm doing.
I have a nervous laugh. I'm a jolly person anyway, but even when I'm nervous or scared I will laugh things off to appear like I have control of the situation or that I'm not afraid of what's going on in my life. Well, some might think that's a good thing and I was fine with it until it rubbed off on Emma. Now, she laughs at me when I'm punishing her or when she tries to get away with something. Because in the heat of the moment, I also laugh. I don't know how to control it.
And to top it off, though I thought I was learning better to say "no" to people, the fact of the matter is...it's still near impossible for me to do. Emma isn't even two and she already has learned that a goofy smile, a funny face, a sad sounding reason for why she did it, or trying to give me a kiss in the heat of the moment, will make me change my no to a yes like nothing else.
An observant friend told me I don't give enough attention to Emma. I don't talk to her enough. And that she whines to get my attention because I don't notice her when she tries to talk to me. The horrible thing is, it is all true. I started trying to take notice of when she talks to me. It's so hard because I really tend to get focused in what I'm doing (especially if I'm on the computer) but now that I listen for her I notice she talks to me a lot and I hadn't even heard her before.
Emma's immediate future is doomed basically until Jason gets back. And when Jason does get back I need to make sure I trust his judgment. I'm so embarrassed to go out in public or to go to a friend's house. It's obvious my friends are annoyed with Emma's loud behavior that I can't seem to control it. They can't see her for the adorable, sweet Angel that I see here at home (not that I blame them).
I feel lost, alone, deserted, and full of failure. How can I ask family and friends to give her a proper upbringing if I can't even do it myself?
And now, Emma has brought all her clothes from her dresser out and put them on the couch. So I will go tend to that.

My little copy cat

I just finished looking through a One Step Ahead magazine to look for Christmas ideas for Emma. I set it down to go to their website and of course Emma wanted to look at the magazine then, too. Maybe she will give me an idea as to what she wants for Christmas. She's standing behind me on the computer chair now, leaning on my back and flipping through the magazine like its a newspaper.
This morning, I made pancakes. I fed Emma first so I could clean up the kitchen in peace. Emma ate two full pancakes and drank some milk and then I took her out of her high chair. It wasn't 10 minutes later, I was sitting down with my pancakes and she decided she wanted to eat with me again. She sat in the table chair next to me and nibbled on another pancake and drank her milk, just like me. We talked for a little bit and then I got up and pushed my chair in. Silly Emma, got up and pushed her chair in too. :)
Emma follows me around the house doing exactly what I do. It's so cute, but so nerve racking. I already know she's picking up bad habits, I just hope they aren't too bad....and now I have a magazine on my head so I'll take this time to go flip the chicken which I'm cooking up for lunch.

Kisses

Well, it has come time to start really going through the house, organizing and getting things ready for the packers. I leave in 48 days. I went through all of Emma's toys and stuffed animals getting rid of all the ones she doesn't play with anymore. Emma helped as she always does, trying to do exactly what I do every moment of the day. When we got to the stuffed animals, though, Emma took a different approach. She picked up a stuffed animal, kissed it, set it down, then picked up another and kissed it. She went on like that through each animal. It was so cute.
Lately, Emma has been very happy and fun. She's learning more and more words. I can just about understand anything that she says even though it is still mostly garbled. She is a real joy to be around. I don't know what I would do with out her.