The Trial

My last few posts have indicated that I'm going through something really serious, lately. For a while, I needed time to organize my train of thought and get a grasp on my emotions. Now that I've done that, it's time to reveal what I've been struggling with.

After five years of ups and downs, good times and bad, sickness and health, love and hate; Jason and I are splitting up. This is a very frustrating time for me because for three of the five years it has been I, who struggled to love Jason properly. In the last year God was really working on my heart and showing me how to be a better Christian and therefore a better wife. But, it was almost like it was too late. Jason became frustrated over the years with my actions and not being sound in his own faith (by his admittance) he fell away from God and therefore fell away from his family. I only wish Jason could see that our marriage WOULD survive if he just gave it another chance. Yes, our marriage has had plenty of chances. But aren't we supposed to forgive 70X7 times? Our flesh sometimes seems so strong that you think, in your flesh, you are making the right decision to handle things on your own. But, if I've learned anything through all of this, it is that we can do NOTHING with out Christ. But, in Christ, anything is possible. And with that is where I have to lay my faith. Jason is ready to move on. He's given up on his wife, kids and God. There is a selfishness and stubbornness in him that only God can remove. The cries of a pained, forgiving and loving family begging him not to leave, is like a fly buzzing in his ear; an irritation to be swatted away so he can live the so-called desired life he thinks he wants.

I finally had to come to the point of realization that I can do nothing to save my marriage. And, I have tried. I love Jason more now than I ever did before and not because of what we are going through, but because God was planting that love in my heart for him a year ago when I was asking God to help me change my heart. And He did. I thought I had given Jason what he always wanted (a loving wife) but it's impossible to please a man who isn't straight forward with you about his own spiritual state of being.

I worry for the kids more than anything. I can move on. Not emotionally from Jason, but physically in my life. I've actually rather enjoyed the freedom I've had to get a job, go back to school, make future traveling plans for my family and getting involved in the church with out being bogged down by Jason's military career or lack of money. I'm not going to let what's happening stop me from living my life to the fullest and spending as much quality time with the kids as possible. My desire is to have a very deep and bonded relationship with my girls. They need a father and they need a good disciplining hand. I can not give them either of those things. But God will be their Father and I pray, daily, that God gives me the wisdom and knowledge to know how to raise these girls on my own.

Emma struggles with the break up in her own four-year old way. She doesn't quite understand the emotions she's feeling and acts out in other ways. When she sees Jason or gets to talk to him on the phone her demeanor really changes. She becomes more loving towards me, giving me lots of hugs and tells me a hundred times in a minute that she loves me. We spend the rest of the day talking about how we aren't going to see daddy again for a long time and that we aren't going back to Washington. She says she loves Washington because that's where her dad is at. She's become more sensitive to arguing whether it be actual arguing between to people or just mom and I bantering back and forth. She'll often times say something like, "Stop fighting, guys." I have to be careful what I say around her because she's very sensitive to the topic of Jason and I splitting up. She acts up in disobedience a lot more, now too since this has all happened.

And poor Jacey will not even know her father on the level Emma does. There is no bonding there for her at all. She hasn't even heard his voice yet because she was too young, in the womb, when he was still around for her ears to have been working. My biggest fear is that in order for God to get Jason's attention, the children might have to go through something traumatic. It brings tears to my eyes knowing what these innocent children have to go through because of their parent's mistakes. I beg God to protect the kids and keep them safe at all costs. And most importantly I ask Him to let them find their own personal and very real relationship with God at a young age and to cling to that for dear life. Having God in your life sooner rather than later is SO important and I see that now. I want so badly to be the proper mother to my children because I'm all they have on this earth. I don't want to mess up and yet I mess up daily allowing my own stresses and frustrations of what's going on affect the way I handle Emma. I hope Emma and Jacey will be patient with me and I hope I can give them the most normal childhood possible. I don't want money to be an issue, but at the same time I don't want to work so hard that we never spend time together.

These are my worries, fears and trials. All of which, I leave in God's hands. Most days I'm simply numb to emotion all together. I think that's the way it should be. In my previous blog I talked about how the emotions of the heart cuz you to act foolishly. I'm happy to not feel guided by emotions. But, it's not just a daily struggle to keep all these things in mind. I must HOURLY be seeking God's help. God is really the one who leads me through each day. With out him living my life through me, I'd be curled up in the closet crying all day. I'm extremely amazed and thankful for the strength God has given me that I could only have experienced had all this happened. Which is, again, why it's good to rejoice in tribulation.


It's up to the prayers and pleads of every Christian family member and friend who are praying with us on this. Only God can fix our marriage now. I know what God is doing in my life to make me a better wife. I talked in my last post about learning to submit. I'm also learning to give up control. I truly believe that when God knows that I'm ready and worthy, I can get my husband back. But, I don't think I've arrived and Jason's heart is as hard as a Pharaoh willing to drown himself in the Red Sea. I know how important it is to give up control on an HOURLY basis. If I do not let God take control, I will never see the victory. And I SO badly want to see my family put back together. I also know that it may not be God's will, and I'm trusting in Him whatever path He takes us down.