A Rare and Surprisingly Disappointing Opportunity

Fantasy. Things we dream up, but never get to live in real life. Good, pleasant things. Girls, day dreaming about a future husband and what it will be like. Letting your mind run wild with images and ideas of a perfectly romantic evening with your loved one.

I remember being a kid and writing down the ideal perfect husband, how many kids I would have, what their names would be, how many animals we would have on the farm that was a given we would live on. Real life sure turned out different. M.A.S.H. was certainly NO indication of who I would really marry or what job, car or house I would have.

And though I married a man I never would have thought I would be attracted to, I had a child right away when I hadn't planned to, I was in the Navy instead of living on a farm; I actually WAS living a fantasy. In a way, I feel a little proud about that. I don't think many adults in the world could say they lived a fantasy.

I created a fantasy for my marriage and my family and for 5 years I was given the privilege to live through it. My husband loved me unconditionally and was the model husband causing jealousy amongst my other married family members and friends. He listened to me and came home from work wanting to be involved with the family. We were intimate every day and sometimes more than once a day. He always came running when I was crying. He carried my burdens and fought my battles. My husband was a good father. He was involved in my daughter's life, concerned about her up bringing, played with her, taught her how to do things on her own and taught her about life.

And, yes, for 5 years, I believed all of the above were true. But, the thing with fantasy is that it's all just a big lie. It's not real even if you get the opportunity to live it. Like a good dream it fades away when you open your eyes. And that's exactly what happened. I opened my eyes.

I like a TV series called Once Upon a Time. It's about Disney movie characters we all know and love (Cinderella, Pinocchio, Beauty and the Beast, ect. ) and they, through a curse by the Queen from Snow White, are sent to live out a "real" life in the "real" world. The curse was meant to take away their happiness and to show that the cartoon life they were living was just a fantasy. In the series, though, Snow White and the Prince have a child before the curse can take place. They send the child through a magic portal to the real world ahead of them. This is done so that she can save them from the curse when she is older.

It sounds a little funny, but I actually relate to this story. Jason and I had what seemed like a great marriage and a great family. But, because it was just a fantasy I had created in my mind, we ended up being put through a "curse" 5 years later where we were forced to come face to face with reality. My husband never loved me unconditionally. He loved me out of guilt. He behaved like the poster husband because of pride. He pretended to care about his children's upbringing because of a false sense of duty. When the lies and the living of a fake life became too much, I was finally given the opportunity to open my eyes and see that we weren't living in reality. I don't know what Jason's version of the "fantasy" we lived would be, but we both treated each other poorly, no matter how much good there seemed to be, because neither of us, in reality, wanted to be with each other. I often times searched else where for attention and fell into depression because there was a part of me deep down inside that knew my marriage wasn't right. I hate that we involved children in our fantasy, but in a way they are like the child sent ahead of time to save, at least me, from my own insanity.

Does the fantasy I lived come back to haunt me? Of course! Was it fun while it lasted? Sure. Do I painfully miss many parts of our fantasy? I used to! But, that's all it was. Five years of lies, back stabbing, and hypocrisy. I feel like "everybody's fool" when I look back on all the lies I was led to believe over the years and I could kick myself for not listening to that little voice in my head telling me something just wasn't right. No matter which way you look at it, no matter what things could have been different, Jason and I were never meant to be together because EVERYTHING about our relationship was a lie.

So, in conclusion, I keep reminding myself of these things. Every good memory I have is null and void because it wasn't real. The man I thought I fell in love with is really just some guy I made up in my head. The man I actually had is nothing like I would ever want in real life. And like wise, the woman Jason married was certainly not who he intended to love all his life.

I'm glad my fantasy is over. And the reality is that the girls and I are much better off. Reality is that I needed the girls in my life to keep me grounded. Reality is that we needed God in our lives, not some fake fantasy.