It's hard to admit but,

Lack of energy. Irritable. Tearing and crying on a regular basis. Not sleeping well. Eating poorly. Memory and concentration slipping. Loss of interest in daily or normally enjoyable activities. Trying to move as less as possible in a day. Feeling this way for several months.

A therapist had me read these symptoms for Chronic Depression out loud. I complained about each and every one of these things on a close to daily basis for the last several months. Others had suggested depression, but I was an Anderson, I had a husband and a daughter to care for. I had no intentions of admitting I was depressed. My life has so much to offer me. First of which being that I can call Jesus my personal Lord and Savior. That alone makes me feel foolish for feeling depressed. I have an amazing, caring husband who loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. My daughter is well-behaved and a joy to be around. I'm surrounded by a zoo of animals, I just started my own little business, and I'm writing on a regular basis. All of these things should be more than enough for me to be able to wake up happy in the mornings.

There's no stranger feeling than being happy with your life, but feeling like you don't want to live each day. Every evening I dread the night. Every morning I dread the day. There is really no specific thing that makes it better. When all of this was finally too much to bare on my own and even for my husband, I finally humbled and embarrassed myself to go see a therapist.

I told her that I had depressed feelings, but didn't feel like I could be depressed. So, when she asked me to read those symptoms and let her know which ones I was feeling I burst into tears as I finished. I had every symptom on the page! I had to finally admit that I was depressed. I felt like I had let my family down. They were counting on me to clean the house, make meals, play with Emma and train Admiral. They were such simple tasks and I felt so stupid for being so tired each day that I rarely finished any of my chores. Emma was often put outside or in front of a movie. Sometimes I look at my amazing, lovely daughter playing with the animals, acting silly, and I don't feel anything. I just stare at her. I listen to my husband enjoy a film we are both watching, laughing at all the funny parts and I don't feel anything. I just sit there, staring at the TV. All day long I feel like crying, sometimes for no particular reason at all. All the feelings that I was masking and hiding now came out in full force as I left the therapist office, knowing I could no longer deny what I was trying so hard to deny for the last 8 plus months. I'm tired of faking a laugh because I know something would normally make me laugh. I'm tired of putting on a smile so people don't ask me what wrong. I'm tired of being grumpy in the evenings because I forced myself to do my mundane daily chores, spending all day to get them done when any normal mother could do them in a couple hours. I'm tired of pretending I want to go out and do fun activities or visit with friends, when really all I want to do is lie in bed and pretend my family wants to do things with out me. I'm tired at being irritable towards my husband for no particular reason at all. So, I'm taking the plunge. I'm getting "happy pills" and I'm going to at least use this drug to hopefully give me feeling again. I still won't be myself and the drugs are what's going to make me feel happy, but at least through out the day I can enjoy my family, do my chores, and stop forgetting appointments with people in my business.