A Leap of Faith

This evening I was feeling heavy hearted. My sickies were in bed resting. I had a deep desire to just go out in the crisp air and walk. As usual on a lone walk at night, here amongst the trees, I felt the urge to Pray to the Maker of it all.

Sunday service was so good this morning as it has been every week we have gone. I went to church by myself since Jason and Emma were sick. Pastor Parr is so knowledgable of the Bible, I am swimming in new information and more revelation than I can handle. Today he talked about how to grow in good ground. One of his points was that remembering what you learn about God will help you to grow in the good soil. I had to stop and really think about that because so often I go home after church, consider the message maybe through lunch and then forget all about it even though it might have been one that spoke to me deeply. It was really bothering me that I could so easily forget about the amazing things of God that I learned in church.

I was thinking about this on my walk. I felt as if I could not continue walking until I took some time to just concentrate on praying to God. I found an empty RV lot towards the back of the park and sat down at a picnic table that graces each lot. I had ever greens behind me, empty lots to either side, the path I had just taken in front of me and tall, tall pine trees in between it all. The sky was clouded over, but the full moon still shown through. I was overwhelmed with God's greatness and I began singing hymns. I sang It is Well with My Soul and Count your Blessings and then started in on a song I wrote as a child years ago that talked about being thankful to God for everything he made.

Suddenly, new lyrics starting coming to my mind and I ended up finishing the song right then and there. I was so happily singing that I didn't want to stop and I decided to continue my prayer in psalm. I felt a certain closeness to King David as I started singing out a prayer to God. As I sang and prayed I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. This night felt different. I somehow felt that if I didn't make a major change in my life before going back to the camper I would never have another chance to do so again. I admitted to God that I had many fears when it came to giving my life completely over to Him and little faith. But, I knew that it was time. I had felt the burden in my heart for several weeks now. I was often afraid of losing my family or even my own life and I knew it was God trying to get me to a point of no return. I asked Him to help me grow a mustard plant so that I could gather mustard seeds. I told him that I would stop taking my depression medicine and I would let him heal me. I fearfully agreed to doing whatever it took to give my life completely over to Him, even if it meant trouble with my family not being on board with my decision. I have little faith, but I DO know that God is bigger than my lack of faith and certainly bigger than all my problems. I DO know that God will not give me a trial I can not handle. So, I took a leap of faith and I promised to let God lead my life fully from here on out.

Upon this decision I felt a sudden feeling of anxiety rush through my body. I was back at the camper by this time. I knew I needed to immediately read in my Bible and write in my diary and have some alone time with God before I could do anything else. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I knew I had given up control of my life. It was a very scary notion for me as a very controlling person. I couldn't help but start crying as I imagined the future trials I would face with not being able to control what happens in my life anymore, but having faith that God will lead me where I need to go and show me what I need to be shown.

In a small camper, I couldn't hide my emotions from my family. They joined me in the dark room at the back end of the camper. I told Jason my decision to give my life completely to God and I told him how scared I was to do so. Jason lectured me on the goodness and greatness of God and faith. He reassured me that I had his support. He told me to take it one step at a time.

About this time little Emma piped up. She said, "It's not big steps. It's little steps. Sometimes I go to bed and I sleep and I wake up scared. But I pray to God. God lives in the sky and He keeps us safe." (This is near verbatim)

I started balling with joy as my little daughter was telling me about the safety of the Lord, sharing her own personal story, and suggesting that my next steps are just little steps. Oh, Lord, give me the faith of my precious child.

Jason and I laughed and hugged and Jason said, "I think you can see you have the full support of the whole family."

We read Ephesians 1-3 as suggested by our Pastor and I wrote out my new song in my diary so I won't forget it. I feel much better now that my family is on board. I'm still afraid and tomorrow scares me the most because tomorrow is a new day full of new opportunities to mess up. Tomorrow is a test of not having my medicine for the first time. I expect there to be trials, but I look forward to the challenge. I know where to read in my Bible and I know how to pray. Tomorrow is the start of a new walk for me.